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Archive for the ‘Relationships’ Category

My Big Fat Life – Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow. Shit.

In blog, blogging, emotions, failure, family, fast car, feelings, Foolish Hearts, Friend, God, grief, healing, Laughing stars, Life, Love, Pain, Portland Oregon, Questions, Rain, Relationships, The Little Prince, Writing on February 5, 2015 at 6:54 pm

I came here to write about a few updates, but I think my heart is so heavy that I am just going to vent instead. I need.. NEED to get some of what is going on inside, out.

Tomorrow I have a biopsy. I have no clue if there is something going on, and frankly I am hoping there isn’t. I am absolutely terrified.

I’ve done a lot of thinking about my life the past few days. Heaven knows I am beyond happy that I am a parent, and I love these people more than I can express to you.  They give me more joy than I can even begin to list, and it wouldn’t make a lot of sense to since I am pretty sure you wouldn’t find it as entertaining as I do.

I do feel like if something were to happen to me today though, that I would be missing out on some things I have always wanted to happen, and certainly experience. I know that at the end of it all, that I want to know love. I want to know what it is like to share a bed with someone at the end of the day, knowing they will be there. There is no question, no fear, no worry… you just know they are there, and you’re a team. Is that even possible? Have I been watching way too many movies with scripted love?

Does it exist?

 

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My Big Fat Lesbian Life – Wide Awake

In Blog, blogging, Break-up, C.S. Lewis, christian, communication, connection, dating, equality, gay, God, healing, Lesbian Relationships, LGBTQ, Life, Love, Oregon, Portland, relationships, Relationships, respect, sex, single, Uncategorized, women, Writing on January 15, 2013 at 12:14 am

I will open this with a hard truth.

Recently a friend of mine, Lisa Mae, asked me a very honest question during a conversation, as she listened to my latest mess of a dating situation where I had to break off yet another disaster. She asked me “Aren’t you tired of telling the same story?”

Yes. Very much so actually.

In my recent awakening that I have an incredible tolerance for bullshit (see previous blog titled “Bullshit”) I have been far less tolerant of the bullshit, much quicker. While it is awesome, it also really makes dating a challenge. Because people are just full of all sorts of crap that they haven’t dealt with. Her question reveled something to me quite honestly that I need to deal with. I want to write a new story.I had to think about what that means to me.

What it means to me is taking a new step. My first step.. I have decided to change my complete outlook on how dating will be.  I want to change my story in a lot of ways, and it starts with me. While I have a new lower tolerance for bullshit, it makes no sense to keep putting myself into situations where I give space to people I find in a matter of time, I have to walk away from. It’s empowering to walk away, but it also gets very lonely.

So how will dating look? I want to spend time getting to know someone. I want to bring back the lost art of conversation. The kind of conversations that don’t have sentences like “Hey, want to move in?”, “Let’s buy a puppy together.” and the ever so popular “Who’s paying for the U-Haul?” (add side conversations regarding bubble wrap and trailer hitches).

Since my proclaimed change, I have been asked a lot of about what it is I am looking for in another person. I think I have attacked this question in another blog, but I also think my thoughts may have changed (I hope at least matured) since. There are some things that of course, always evolve. These are the things though, that I have found over the past two years, that have come to mean the most to me as a woman.

1.) I need someone who is whole. By this I don’t mean someone who has never lived. I mean someone who has closure in their life. No open doors to the past that keep shades of light flooding into their space. No hauntings of ex partners they haven’t made closure on. I NEED to know that there is space for me in their life. I don’t want to share that space trying to compete with the memory, or emotions of someone else. I am an amazing woman. I deserve nothing less this time.

2.) I need someone who can deal with their own shit (pardon the language).  I need someone who has the ability to handle their own affairs, and does it well. I want to be there to support them in the way a partner should. I don’t want to be a treated as nothing more than a personal assistant.

3.) I need someone who has room for me. I want to be the only woman who is in their life. I want a life partner, not someone to just fill my time, but to share life with. I am not talking about every single moment of every single day. I need them to have outside interests and something separate from me, but I don’t want to worry if they are the type to not keep boundaries with others, for me.. us. I want someone I can build security with, and build trust. That is something that a lot of people don’t get either. I am not paranoid that everyone is a cheater or a manipulator, but trust is built. It is not just given. The floor to build trust on, is security. Make a woman feel secure, and she will trust you. It’s a two way street though.

4.) I want to be able to openly communicate and feel heard. I want to be able to talk to my partner when something isn’t working, and not be met with resentment. I want to give that to my partner as well. Respectfully talk, respectfully listen, respectfully react. I want someone who is able to take personal responsibility and work through something with a resolution, instead of trying to make me feel my response is just wrong and avoid having to take personal responsibility for anything. Ever have someone tell you “Well, it’s your fault. You are just insecure, get over it.” ? Well guess what? Sometimes, we do stupid things to make our partners feel insecure. If we are unable to take personal responsibility, we are not ready to take on the responsibility of being the lover of our partners heart.

5.) I want passion. I know romantic love comes and goes, I have always know that. Though passion is something I want to always work on. Not just the sexual, but conversationally. Mentally. I want someone who can mentally stimulate me. Teach me something I don’t know. Share new things with me. Music, books, literature, spiritual… Something that makes me feel alive. I have to admit, there is something about a mind that drives me wild. Share music with me, and I swoon. Music that is strong, alive with meaning and depth. Someone who can connect to those things, *sigh*.. yeah. Explore me with your mind, before  your hands.

6.) A sense of spirituality. It doesn’t have to be the same as mine, but a mutual respect of my faith, as I respect theirs. There is something to be drawn from each other when you share faith.

7.) Do not try to rescue me. I do not need rescued. I do not need a Prince riding in on a horse. Horses freak me out anyways. Just someone who can stroll in and share a stellar conversation. I want to walk next to someone and be a team. Someone I can depend on, and someone who can depend on me.

8.) I want to meet someone who wants to get to know me, just as much as I want to get to know them. Someone who will ask me questions about the person I am, and show interest in getting to know who I am. I always ask questions, and start conversation. I would love it if someone took the time to show me that I am worth getting to know, as well.

That is a good start to explain what it is I want. I almost venture to say need. I’ve compromised a few of these things from time to time, and well.. how has that worked out for me so far? Yeah, I know that no one is perfect. I am not looking for perfection. I am just looking to be true to those things that I know I have longed for.  Those things I know that move me, as a woman. I know I have compromised these things in the past, to not even be met half way. It doesn’t feel good to have people rush in, take what they want and leave the rest. It’s like allowing yourself to be an emotional clearance sale, opening the doors, and allowing people to just pull off what they want, and leave.

No more emotional clearance sales.

I’m just so much more worthy than being last seasons trend.

 

*Insert Wide Awake by Katy Perry. I couldn’t pick a more perfect song for this entry.

My Big Fat Lesbian Life – .

In 2012, blog, cancer, Edgefield McMenamins, encouragement, equality, Flowers, gay, God, grief, healing, health, homosexuality, Jell-O, kisses, Laughing stars, lgbt, LGBTQ, Life, Love, military, Oregon, people, pictures, Portland Oregon, Questions, Rain, Relationships, religion, sex, single, stress, Troutdale Oregon, Writing on March 4, 2012 at 9:40 pm

It’s been quite a week.

 

That’s all I got.

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – The Birth Control Mobile Rides Again

In blog, Cancer Sucks, Choose Joy, christian, Christmas, civil unions, coat hangers, communication, court, Crying, Current events, current events, dating, Divorce, divorce, Edgefield McMenamins, equality, Facebook, family, fast car, feelings, finances, Friend, friendship, gay, God, grief, healing, health, homosexuality, KVAL TV, Law, lesbian, lgbt, LGBTQ, love, minivan, New York, news, Pain, parenting, people, Politics, portland oregon, promises, Questions, Relationships, religion, same sex, single, sleep, stress, vehicle, vows, wedding, Wedding Ring, women, Writing on January 7, 2012 at 12:09 pm

If you’ve been reading along the past month or so, you know my ex wanted the van back because of a payment arriving one day late.

Here’s the blog link that explains what happened to the van – http://mybigfatlesbiandivorce.com/2011/10/19/my-big-fat-lesbian-divorce-the-van/

We’ve been without a vehicle (which I have always tenderly refered to as “The Birth Control Mobile”. I think with some government funding that I could be hired to do high school drive bys, with my all van windows down and all 6 children arguing over the Game Boy. I could give a reality check to some of the teens and possibly single handedly reduce teen pregnancy… OK so I doubt the government will fund this and the idea of enduring another sibling argument over a video game is a bit exhausting).

Honestly though, giving the van back worked to my advantage. She has the vehicle and I no longer have to make monthly payments on something that is breaking down. It just  makes the most financial sense for my family in the long run to be free from that previous obligation.

However, I was left without a vehicle and I was pretty scared. I was really happy to be rid of the financial obligation of that stupid van, but I was really worried about how I was going to go about the daily things I need to do, to take care of my family.

After looking around and asking people I knew about any possibile vehicles for sale, I had found a place that fixes vehicles donated and then sells them for the cost of repairs. They had one van that had extensive work done, and they were selling for 1,600.00. Clean, great condition, and an 8 seater. I haven’t been able to save up much, let alone 1,600.00, because I am still playing catch up on some bills since I asked the ex to leave, but this van seemed so perfect for my family. I’m almost on track with the finances, but not quite. I need that money tree to sprout about 2,000.00 for that to happen, but so far it’s been more of a pocket change twig.

I looked into some loans and other possibilities, but things kept falling through. I sighed a breath of relief in a way, because I really didn’t want to create more debt while I was working on getting caught up, but I was still trying to figure out how I was going to come up with the money for the van. This was/is a need. It’s not like I was out there trying to find something that was above and beyond what we need. Something to get us safely from point to point is all I was looking for, and this can fit the bill perfectly.

The garage selling the vehicle  had decided to reduce the price for me to 1,000.00 because they were really trying to help me out. 1,000.00 was still more than I had, in fact all I had was 400.00. At 1,000.00 I knew they were reducing the price to below the amount of money and time they had put into fixing the vehicle, but without the money, I still felt pretty hopless.

As things started to feel as though they were crumbling, I can’t even begin to described what happened other than love and human connection stood in the gap.

I received a message from a friend on Facebook, who wanted to know where she could send money towards the vehicle. She sent in a majority of the money I needed to purchase the vehicle, and with the 400.00 I had, I had the van paid for.

Then another friend put money towards the van, which helped pay for fuel.

Then another friend sent in money  to cover registration, and title transfer.

Then another sent in money to have both back tires and windsheild wipers replaced.

These calls jut kept coming in from the garage to tell me that my friends were calling in and putting towards the cost of the van. The woman on the other end of the phone was just so amazed and excited for us, that my friends were not only touching my life, but hers in the process as well.

The van is completely mine.

Knowing the people I have around my life, it doesn’t completely surprise me that they would step in and extend love and human connection and kindness the way they have. I simply know the most beautiful people. But it still moved me beyond belief. I was, and I still am, in complete awe of the kindness. I still look out my window just to look at the van and say a “thank you”. Even though I know it can’t be heard, I hope those who extended the kindness know it is still very much felt.

Someone gave anonymously, so I will never know to who I owe such a big thanks. But you are all truly amazing. These past months have been a journey for sure, but there are those  who have listened, cared, prayed, sent art, cards, phone calls, texts, messages, left comments, asked how we are doing, have taken me to coffee and all those things that friends do for one another. I want you all to know that I feel so loved. Not just because you extend compassion and love, but because you have been woven into my life to begin with.

Thank you soooo much

You are all truly amazing.

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – Rain, Rain Don’t Go Away *waves good-bye to 2011*

In 2011, blog, Blue Like Jazz, children, christian, Christmas 2011, communication, Crying, Current events, dating, desert, Divorce, Edgefield McMenamins, family, Flowers, Friend, gardening, gay, God, grief, I Can Do Bad All By Myself, Laughing stars, lesbian, LGBTQ, Love, marriage, Mary J Blige, Natasha Bedingfield, New Years Eve, New York, news, NYE, Oregon, Pain, parenting, people, Portland Oregon, Rain, Relationships, single, The Little Prince, Uncategorized, vows, wedding, women, writing on December 31, 2011 at 11:36 am

Dang what a year it’s been.

I don’t use today to mark my choice to make some big changes with a resolution list, I believe change should happen now. I know that people tend to look at it as some sort of day to mark as the big change day, but I want to change things right where I am. And I made a lot of changes in 2011.

The real year mark comes this April when I made the change to end my marriage and get out of a bad situation. Had I stayed, well.. it scares me to think where I would be today.

I’m not sure if she was home for NYE, though she probably wasn’t. I do recall thinking to myself that I wanted to not be sitting around for the holiday, again. In all my adult years, I’ve been out only twice for NYE. I had mistaking thought it was only once, but I recalled a really bad date I had years ago. I’m not a party girl and honestly would rather snuggle in with someone I love watching movies and eating pizza. I like going out for great food and all of that stuff, but standing around in a huge crowd of strangers after paying out some insane entry fee to a NYE party, just isn’t my thing. I’d rather spend that money on a new pair of heels or something equally wonderful. But mostly, it just goes to bills.

I picked up my daughter yesterday, and I was so happy to see her. She came bearing pressies for the family. We decided to have our Christmas together, post Christmas. As we piled out of the van (yes van. There is a blog I am working on, it’s an amazing thing) and stepped up to the door, we found a package left at the door. It was from my son overseas. It was his pressies for his brothers. There I stood feeling as though I had both of older children arrive at the door at the same time to celebrate with us. It was amazing timing, and so medicinal for my soul. We opened pressies, had chinese food and smiled. It was a wonderful feeling to have the sense of all my children together in the same room for the holidays.

I am not sure where some of you are, that read my blog. Which by the way, thank you for reading. If you are in a bad place, a bad relationship or a crappy situation… don’t wait to make that change. Courage is not something that comes first, it’s something that arrives during. That first step belongs to you. Don’t worry about what the possibilities are, worry about the reality of the situation of where you are now. If the memories of what used to be keep you tethered to what you have now, let me say that while things change and we grow over time, so does love. Sometimes I imagine love is rain . It’s why Spring is so pretty. I can’t imagine a Spring here in NW Oregon without it. I’m pretty sure you can figure out what would happen if there was no rain. Love is a lot like that. Without it, there is no growth. Trying to get something to grow by just demanding it, doesn’t work. Heck, if it did that money tree I keep trying to plant would have been old growth by now, but love doesn’t work that way. It can’t be forced, it can’t be demanded. But, I’ve learned that love can be given freely to myself, from myself. That means I need to be good to myself and walk away from those places where it has ceased to rain, and I am just stuck in a barren desert.

Last year I was in that desert, today I enjoy what the rain breathes.

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – My Sister, My Son and Holding Hands

In attorneys, Blog, blogging, Break-up, C.S. Lewis, cancer, children, christian, civil unions, court, Crying, Current events, current events, dating, Divorce, Facebook, family, gay, God, grief, health, Henry Miller, homosexuality, Law, Lesbian, lgbt, Love, love, Marriage, military, New York, news, Pain, parenting, people, Politics, portland oregon, Portland Oregon, relationships, Relationships, religion, single, sleep, Uncategorized, wedding, women, Writing on September 12, 2011 at 4:45 pm

Yesterday I received a call from my niece Jellybean (I gave her this nickname when she was 4 and wearing a shiny green rain slicker). She told me that my sister (her mom) is on a ventilator and being kept sedated. This sister is the only sister I have any communication with, out of 6 siblings.

Apparently she complained of shortness of breath, collapsed on the stairs and went into full respiratory failure. They’re not sure what’s going on, though they found pneumonia and believe asthma (and being a smoker) are all contributors. They also said they had an inconclusive CT of the brain, and need to do another this morning.

It’s just heart wrenching, because my sister has struggled her whole life. She seriously needs something good to happen to her.

The nurse said they’ll know more this afternoon.

My son FINALLY got his pathology reports sent from his base overseas to the hospy where he’s awaiting surgery. What the heck was the hold up? Why didn’t they send the reports with him? In the age of technology, why wasn’t this stuff stored in a file somewhere that could be accessed in a New York minute on a computer? *insert quizzical and annoyed look here*

Anyways, his (3rd) surgery will finally be this Friday.

It’s a double edged sword with the situation, because the longer they (The Military) screw around, the longer my child isn’t getting the care that’s so important to his health. On the flip side, he’s so relaxed and finally smiling again since he’s been moved from where’s he’s stationed, to where he’s awaiting treatment. It’s so nice to see that kid smile again. He actually likes the area, is having not just the body treated, but his spirit as well. It’s doing him a world of wonderful.

In the mix of concern over the things going on with my son and my sister, my personal journey is taking a few steps over some hurdles along the way as well. I should probably write it all out and get it into words, but C.S. Lewis beat me to the punch in 1960 in The Four Loves. It reads…

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”

I sometimes think it would be easier to just close myself off from all opportunities of experiencing joy through companionship. It’s not easy to care for someone else, and open yourself to the knowledge that caring doesn’t always equate easy. But then Henry Miller goes on to say..

“Life moves on, whether we act as cowards or heroes. Life has no other discipline to impose, if we would but realize it, than to accept life unquestioningly. Everything we shut our eyes to, everything we run away from, everything we deny, denigrate or despise, serves to defeat us in the end. What seems nasty, painful, evil, can become a source of beauty, joy, and strength, if faced with an open mind. Every moment is a golden one for him who has the vision to recognize it as such.” – Henry Miller

The truth of the matter is, caring can really suck. Actions and words hurt. They can build insecurities that can slowly tear away at a foundation, leaving it unstable enough to fall easily in the first winds of a storm. While I believe these things are repairable, and should not go uncared for, it just sucks when it happens. Because now you’re in the heart of the matter, and whether you grab your partners hand and stand strong together or walk away leaving the other vulnerable, depends on the core of who you are.

I’ve weathered a lot of storms in my life and I’ve also stood through a lot of great adventures. Most of it all, with no one holding my hand. At times by choice and other times because there was no one there. But to know that I can look to someone else, feel their hand in mine, when things come at me … well, I guess the point is that no matter how wonderful it would feel, it doesn’t come without the risk that the very person who holds your hand, will at times, be the very person that can just break your heart.

Such a reality that’s best served with chocolate.

I still believe in love though, and I believe even though our vulnerability opens us to the risk of being hurt, it also opens us to the possibility of joy. Hopefully the joy outweighs the hurt and when it does hurt, we make better choices to be good to each other, love and hold hands.

I found the perfect song for my thoughts today –

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – 4 Months

In attorneys, Ben and Jerrys Ice Cream Comfort, blogging, Break-up, cancer, children, christian, civil unions, clothing, coat hangers, court, Crying, Current events, current events, dating, Divorce, domestic, family, fashion, gay, God, grief, health, homosexuality, Law, law enforcement, Lesbian, Lesbian Relationships, lgbt, Love, love, Marriage, military, movies, news, Pain, parenting, people, Politics, portland oregon, relationships, Relationships, religion, school, single, sleep, Uncategorized, vows, wedding, women on August 20, 2011 at 1:51 am

August 4th came and went. It marked a couple of dates that are significant, but I’ve been so busy living, that I totally let it slip by.

While I understand this is a good thing, proof that my life has continued just fine, I am wishing I had taken total advantage and used it to mark a celebration of sorts. However, it’s never really too late to celebrate getting rid of crap, so I have planned a purging celebration to take place. Getting rid of anything to do with her, or anything she has given me.

August 4th marked the 4th month since I had her asked to leave, but it also marked the anniversary of our first date. The date lasted 10 hours, and took place mostly walking around downtown and talking. We had spent so much time chatting, that both of us had extended past the meters and both of us received a parking ticket that afternoon, on our vehicles. I came across the ticket that I had received, I saved it just for the sentiment of it all. But that has become a part of the purge and I no longer want anything. I want no remnants of that day, anything to remind me that it even happened.

I suppose that might sound like I am trying to erase the past, and dealing with the past is far more healthier than just pretending it didn’t happen. But I am in no shortage of constant reminders that I was married to her. I guess it is like packing a bag. When you have too much to close it, you either find a way to shove it all in and zip up the bag, or you dump the excess.

I am dumping the excess.

I’ve also had her creditors calling and asking for her. She is apparently not answering their calls, so they are instead, calling me. I’ve asked them to please remove my number from their databases, so here is hoping they will.

When I met her, her credit was a mess. I worked my bum off to help get her credit cleaned up so she could buy a house. But the first time she actually decided to try and handle her bank account on her own, she managed to put it in the red. I can actually pin that to the date, because I was shocked when I saw she made a purchase that she couldn’t afford. I completely stopped helping her that day, and ever since then she has tried to pin the blame on me for the mess her life was becoming. Denial of personal used to cause so many of our problems.

It’s weird, I’ve been thinking about that… the denial thing. She could literally stand in front of me, say something or do something, then completely deny it within seconds. It was soooooo weird…. Like, the jewelry.

Since she has been gone, I have found that there was more that I wasn’t told all the details of. I would like to say I was surprised, or even completely shocked, when I found out. But I wasn’t.

I am becoming more and more thankful that I am no longer with that woman. I have seen things for what they really were (and were not) the void has been replaced with a feeling of liberation and salvation.

Which makes this song so perfect for my thoughts today.. Milli Vanilli.. A group as fake as her love was, lypsynching lyrics about putting the blame on anything other than where it should truly fall. Perfect.

http://youtu.be/rB0Le3oM1b8

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – No Wire Hangers!

In Ben and Jerrys Ice Cream Comfort, blogging, Break-up, christian, civil unions, clothing, coat hangers, court, Crying, Current events, current events, dating, Divorce, domestic, family, fashion, gay, gay marriage, God, grief, homosexuality, Law, Lesbian, Lesbian Relationships, lgbt, Love, love, Marriage, movies, news, Pain, parenting, people, Politics, portland oregon, promises, relationships, Relationships, religion, sex, single, sleep, vows, wedding, women on August 2, 2011 at 10:57 pm

I got an e/mail from my now official “ex”.

The ex is now requesting the return of some items, despite the court order actually gives me possesion of all the items that remained in the home, unless otherwise specified.. (there were no items specified)

Amongst the requests? ..

(wait for it)

40 plastic coat hangers, all white, no colors.

I just can’t make this shit up..