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Archive for the ‘Troutdale Oregon’ Category

My Big Fat Lesbian Life – .

In 2012, blog, cancer, Edgefield McMenamins, encouragement, equality, Flowers, gay, God, grief, healing, health, homosexuality, Jell-O, kisses, Laughing stars, lgbt, LGBTQ, Life, Love, military, Oregon, people, pictures, Portland Oregon, Questions, Rain, Relationships, religion, sex, single, stress, Troutdale Oregon, Writing on March 4, 2012 at 9:40 pm

It’s been quite a week.

 

That’s all I got.

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My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – The Little Prince & Laughing Stars – My Friend Aaron Jamison

In Aaron Jamison, AP News, Ben and Jerrys Ice Cream Comfort, Blog, Blue Like Jazz, Brother, C.S. Lewis, cancer, Cancer Sucks, children, Choose Joy, christian, Comedian, Crying, Current events, Facebook, family, Friend, God, grief, health, Husband, Jell-O, KVAL TV, Laughing stars, Life, Love, Marriage, Monopoly, movies, Musician, Myspace, netfix, New York, news, Pain, parenting, promises, relationships, religion, sleep, Steve Taylor, The Little Prince, Troutdale Oregon, vows, wedding, Wedding Ring, women, Writing on October 1, 2011 at 6:23 pm

My friend Aaron Jamison is nearing the end of his journey. He was admitted to the hospital yesterday, where he’ll remain for the 1-2 weeks he was given to finish his story. But his story will never end. All those who have read his life carry the words he wrote, speak and live.

If you haven’t heard of Aaron Jamison, he made national and world news in his journey.

Here’s a few links to his story (please keep in mind that he’s been given so many “expiration dates” as he calls it, he actually had the original date tattooed after it had well gone and passed, that you’ll see a few dates given)..

I wanted to share a blog I wrote sometime ago, shortly after Aaron was diagnosed. It just seems fitting to share it right now..

Originally titled “Shiny Ceiling Decorated In Love” — I’m reminded more of The Little Prince and his laughing stars..

April 15, 2009

It is Tuesday night..

I was driving home from Eugene tonight.. It is a bit of a drive, so I have a lot of time to think to myself.

I was passing the fields through Hwy99 and had some Eva Cassidy filling the air as my mind wandered through my life, trying to make some sense of it all.

I think we all from time to time ponder what it would be like if we were to pass on. Of course, my children would remember me, but would my life have made an impact on anyone else? Would the only thing my children remember of me, be that I was a dork who jumped on beds to wake them up and would laugh as I danced around the house blowing bubbles to make them laugh? Or would it be that I was angry when they tracked mud all over the carpet? …

My phone sends me a message anytime someone I am stalking online changes their status or posts things to their page on Facebook. Don’t worry, I am only stalking one person. ..

So I am driving and pondering the impact of my life, when Aaron changed
his status. It read “is sad and incredibly happy to watch the ones he loves grow and make choices as he waits to fade away. Never thought I’d face or feel the things I am lately.” Just reading that now, haunts me.

..

I proceeded to drive home, and along the way that the night sky was clear. being away from city lights, I could see the sky lit up in all its brilliance with stars that seemed to know no end. Fittingly, I had Eva Cassidy crooning Fields Of Gold into my heart, as I decided to pull over for a few moments and let my eyes drink the vision before me.. I admit I was feeling jealous of the stars who knew their place, their purpose..

Aarons words, my pondering, the words to the song.. the stars before me..

I was still.

I was amazed that God could hang every star with a purpose, with all
intent and design knowing exactly where he placed each and every one.
This really baffles me considering I lose pieces of paper in my very tiny apartment and here is this galaxy filled with stars, not a one lost but yet called by name.

I just sat there and pondered all that I was seeing, as a star fell from the sky and Aarons words haunted me. Of all the stars that will continue to shine, one fell from the sky tonight. One, fell from the sky that will no longer visibly shine. Yet it is the only star I can recall noticing, seeing, and being impacted by. So very much like Aaron, myself.. all of us.

This life is very brief, and tonight that
star fell not knowing the impact it made on the one person who watched it fall from the sky as she pondered her life. Yet, I doubt I will forget it anytime soon.

I am not sure I will ever know if I made an impact in this life to anyone else other than the children I am always joking about sending to therapy as adults. And sometimes, I am not sure of my own path as I flow from place to place wondering if I will ever belong. But I do know that whether I am to be a star that falls or one that continues to
shine visible to the naked eye, my goal will always be to shine through the life of others where eyes can not see. Even if it means I am just to be the one who calls a star by name, not the one to hang brightly.

The only thing to fade, are days. I pray the visions I write upon the hearts of others is sharpie worthy..

Love life.

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My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – Court

In attorneys, cancer, children, christian, civil unions, court, Crying, Current events, dating, Divorce, domestic, Edgefield McMenamins, family, gay, God, grief, health, homosexuality, kisses, Law, Lesbian, lgbt, Love, Marriage, movies, Netflix, news, Pain, parenting, Politics, portland oregon, promises, relationships, religion, single, sleep, Troutdale Oregon, Uncategorized, vows, wedding, women on July 10, 2011 at 11:34 pm

We have a hearing tomorrow, to see if a judge can resolve this.

I guess for now that’s all I really have to say.

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – I Kissed A Girl, And I Liked It.

In attorneys, Ben and Jerrys Ice Cream Comfort, Break-up, children, christian, civil unions, court, Crying, Current events, dating, Divorce, domestic, Edgefield McMenamins, family, gay, God, grief, health, homosexuality, kisses, Law, Lesbian, lgbt, Love, Marriage, movies, news, Pain, parenting, Politics, portland oregon, promises, relationships, religion, school, single, sleep, Troutdale Oregon, Uncategorized, wedding, women on June 15, 2011 at 3:56 pm

I was asked out on two dates for this past weekend, by different women.

I was really flattered, and I did meet with one for coffee.

I managed to survive that awkward moment where you realize you are trying to get back into the swing of life, and embrace what it means to be single again. I even threw the thought around, that maybe I shouldn’t go out at all. I wondered if maybe it was too soon to enjoy the company of another. But then again, when is it really a bad thing to enjoy spending time with someone because you like them?

But that realization wasn’t the was the deciding factor in leading me to meet with her. One of my friends said to me that I deserved to spend time with someone other than my ex. I have no idea why that statement hit me as deeply as it did, but she was right… I do.

After internalizing her words, I decided to meet with this woman for coffee. I have to say it was one of the best first dates I have ever had. No.. it was the best first date I have ever had in all the history of my first dates.

When we had that awkward moment of saying Good Night, she was sweet to kiss me on the cheek. I knew she was being respectful of my space, but at that moment I wanted to kiss her. Really kiss her.  So, I kissed her.

And it was really nice.

And she was the only woman present in my mind when I did.

And I liked that.

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – Updates

In attorneys, Ben and Jerrys Ice Cream Comfort, Break-up, cancer, children, christian, civil unions, court, Crying, Current events, dating, Divorce, domestic, Edgefield McMenamins, family, gay, gay marriage, God, grief, health, homosexuality, Law, law enforcement, Lesbian, lgbt, Love, Marriage, news, Pain, parenting, portland oregon, promises, relationships, religion, school, single, sleep, Troutdale Oregon, vows, wedding, women on May 21, 2011 at 5:17 pm

I’ve had a very long week. Not to mention the rapture was/is supposed to happen today. It seems like a fitting way to end this week. I just read the church predicting the day received millions in donations. What a marketing/fundraising strategy. I don’t remember learning that in business class.

I’m so suing the college for an inferior education.

Let me start venting about my son. He is scheduled to have surgery the 16th of next month, to remove the growth which is also causing incredible headaches. Literally. I don’t agree with the date, but I promised my son I’d respect his reasons and privacy so I can’t really talk about why it has to wait until the 16th. But I have to say I’m really unhappy with the people behind the reasons why it has to wait.

My wife and I are scheduled to go to court this coming week. Our first court hearing. I pretty much relented on everything, save asking for a small amount of support a month (the exact amount she promised and agreed to provide) for a year, and my half of the amended taxes. She’s now claiming she doesn’t have the resources to provide support. So I’m left wondering two things. First, if she doesn’t have the resources, how was she planning to provide this when she made an agreement with me, to provide it before? And secondly, if she lacks the resources to provide it, how does she seemingly have the resources to pay more in legal fees, than I’ve asked for in support?

If she really loves the children, as she’s stated before several people, and considered them her own, then how can she use the money for legal fees instead of following through on her word to “not abandon or screw you (us) over” ?

It just doesn’t add up.

So this week a judge will decide.

Also, this is the second month she’s claimed that the bank states it hasn’t received my van payment. It’s in her name, but I’ve made every single payment, per our verbal agreement, when the van was purchased. Yet, no actual dates the bank states this are ever provided, and honestly the allegations have all been to my advantage. So, we’ll see how June plays out.

She’s also demanding to drop the boys from health insurance, despite when I agreed to move up here it was understood in conversation I’d have to find the boys new health care providers. She knew at the time we entered the children into the care of vital providers (vital to their care) that they only accepted her health care, and without it the boys wouldn’t be able to continue treatments. She made those agreements with me, those providers and essentially the children’s well being. What.A.Mess.

The only promise she seems to be working at trying to keep, is the last one she made when she yelled she would leave me and my 4 (illegitimate) children on a corner, penniless and begging.

Classy.

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – The Reflex

In attorneys, Break-up, children, christian, civil unions, court, Crying, Current events, dating, Divorce, domestic, Edgefield McMenamins, family, gay, gay marriage, God, grief, homosexuality, kisses, Law, Lesbian, lgbt, Love, Marriage, news, Pain, parenting, Politics, portland oregon, promises, relationships, religion, school, single, sleep, Troutdale Oregon, wedding, women on May 21, 2011 at 12:27 am

I have so much to talk about, and I’m going to.

For this very moment though, this song perfectly words everything.

Lyrics:

“You’ve gone too far this time”
But I’m dancing on the valentine
I tell you somebody’s fooling around
With my chances on the dangerline
I’ll cross that bridge when I find it
Another day to make my stand
High time is no time for deciding
If I should find a helping hand

CHORUS
So why don’t you use it?
Try not to bruise it
Buy time don’t lose it
The reflex is an only child he’s waiting in the park
The reflex is in charge of finding treasure in the dark
And watching over lucky clover isn’t that bizarre
Every little thing the reflex does
Leaves you answered with a question mark

I’m on a ride and I want to get off
But they won’t slow down the roundabout
I sold the Renoir and the TV set
Don’t want to be around when this gets out

CHORUS

Oh the reflex what a game he’s hiding all the cards
The reflex is in charge of finding treasure in the dark
And watching over lucky clover isn’t that bizarre
Every little thing the reflex does
Leaves you answered with a question mark

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – I Dunno

In Ben and Jerrys Ice Cream Comfort, Break-up, children, christian, civil unions, court, Crying, Current events, dating, Divorce, domestic, Edgefield McMenamins, family, gay, gay marriage, God, grief, health, homosexuality, Law, law enforcement, Lesbian, lgbt, Love, Marriage, news, Pain, parenting, Politics, portland oregon, promises, relationships, religion, single, sleep, Troutdale Oregon, wedding, women on May 16, 2011 at 5:20 am

I have no clue what’s going on with me today. I feel like I’m on the verge of freaking tears.

I miss her and then I try to remind myself how she made me feel. It’s the only thing keeping me in check.

I was thinking about the last good day we hung out together. Even then she was acting all weird, I guess I saw it then. I just tried to pretend it was me. But I still tear up remembering the day. I wish I wasn’t seeing the things I am about it. I wanted that to be a good memory, I wanted to keep it.

It’s really amazing the amount of stuff I allowed myself to overlook, because I hoped.

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – A Wedding And A Funeral

In attorneys, Break-up, children, christian, civil unions, court, Crying, Current events, dating, Divorce, domestic, Edgefield McMenamins, family, gay, gay marriage, God, grief, health, homosexuality, kisses, Law, Lesbian, lgbt, Love, Marriage, news, Pain, parenting, Politics, portland oregon, promises, relationships, religion, single, sleep, Troutdale Oregon, Uncategorized, wedding, women on May 13, 2011 at 9:51 am

Anyone who has seen Four Weddings And A Funeral, remembers the poem Funeral Blues. If you haven’t, then you’ve missed one of the most poignant pieces of work that describes love, loss and the emotion birthed when love and loss collide.

I could write out some eloquent description of that emotion, but the shortest path to describe the feeling is that it sucks.

Immensely.

I remember when I first heard that grief during divorce was a lot like grief in the loss of a loved one. I thought that to be a rather bold comparison. The two seemed incomparable. In one, your loved one is gone with a finality that you have no control over. Divorce, well in my ignorance, I thought people had some control over that loss and that controlled loss was a whole other ballpark of rules to grieving.

Almost 11 years ago, I lost a son. He was born 4 months after I learned he wasn’t going to live, but he was a conjoined twin to my surviving son (the 10yr old – almost 11) The boys were suffering from a form of Twin Reversed Arterial Perfusion. One of the complications was the surviving twins heart was working for both. I was left in wonder if my other son would live as well. It was, without a doubt, some of the most emotionally difficult months of my life.

While the events are vastly different, I’m finding I’ve learned a lot since I first winced at the idea divorce could toss you into the same ocean of loss. I’ve learned it doesn’t matter what loss people may face. We are all still forced into dealing with the same crappy cycle of grief no matter how loss makes it’s way into our lives. We all hurt, cry, get angry, feel betrayed, cheated and whatever other emotion that may kick us in the ass while we’re down.

With my pregnancy, I grieved the loss of my child long before the final Good-Bye of giving birth and his funeral. Though, I have the continual hope that he lives eternal.

In my in my marriage, I’ve come to see that I was grieving the loss of a lot of dreams long before I was forced into filing the only final Good-Bye that the ending of any marriage is allowed – divorce.

Through this, I can’t help but acknowledge that divorce really is the equivalent of a funeral. The process of divorce works out a way to grieve the passing of hopes, dreams, promises, unity and a way to finalize that loss.

For what it’s worth, as much as I understand all of this, Good-Byes really still suck.

This is the poem from the movie:

Funeral Blues

by W. H. Auden (1907-1973)

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with the juicy bone.
Silence the pianos and, with muffled drum,
Bring out the coffin. Let the mourners come.
Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling in the sky the message: “He is dead!”
Put crepe bows around the white necks of the public doves.
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my north, my south, my east and west,
My working week and Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song.
I thought that love would last forever; I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one.
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun.
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can come to any good.

This is the moving reading from the movie:

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – The Locks Have Been Changed

In attorneys, Break-up, children, christian, civil unions, court, Crying, Current events, dating, Divorce, domestic, Edgefield McMenamins, family, gay, gay marriage, God, grief, health, homosexuality, Law, Lesbian, lgbt, Love, Marriage, news, Pain, parenting, Politics, portland oregon, promises, relationships, religion, single, sleep, Troutdale Oregon, wedding, women on May 11, 2011 at 7:26 pm

The judge signed the uncontested and final restraining order I filed against her. I received notice today.

She is now finally off the lease, and this apartment is officially and solely mine. The lock on the door has been changed.

It feels weird, liberating, sad and passing.

When I moved up here to the Portland Oregon area, I did so at her request. She said we’d be in a house within 3 months, but as life often goes, 3 turned to 6, then 8 and then… and then… and then…

We lived in her upstairs apartment with the 4 boys. It was almost impossible to keep them quiet, and it was a lot to ask them to stop being active for the sake of not pissing off the neighbors.

I really didn’t resent not being in a house right away. I did resent, however, all the work I put into working on her credit and finances with the belief she was buying us a home, only to be left in the dust.

But instead of getting stuck in that resentment, I’m thankful we didn’t buy a home. Because I believe she would have found a way to leave the children and I even more desolate than she’s already attempted to leave us now. I really believe God was looking out for us on that one.

We moved to this downstairs apartment last October. The boys can finally walk across the floor without having to hear me stress about the neighbors, and I like the floor plan a little better. I did go into the old upstairs apartment the other day for a moment (I know the new residents, and they had my mail). It was really moving at first, because I had flashbacks of laughing with her there. I missed that sound.

We never really seemed to laugh together when we moved into this apartment. Arguments were the only sounds that we seemed to share, though some of those arguments were because I longed to share moments of love. Weird, isn’t it? — We argued because I wanted to share love.

Now, in the present, the thing that I just can’t seem to understand is that she’s spending a lot of money on an attorney to contest my requests (all things she previously promised. I’m not asking for anything she hasn’t promised us) and that the money spent in attorneys fees just to contest it, easily could add up to the amount I asked for.

It just baffles me.

Tonight, in our apartment, we’re watching some MST3k and just kicking it back. The boys will go to bed shortly, and I’ll do a little house work. Tomorrow by the grace of God, I’ll wake up and the boys and I will make more new memories in our apartment. We have a few flowers left to put into planters, that the boys got me for Mothers Day. I also think I think I’d really like to take a walk through the gardens at Edgefield as I continue to reclaim it as my favorite place.

Of all the things I’m sure of, I’m sure laundry will be a part of it.

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – Barely Breathing

In attorneys, Break-up, children, christian, civil unions, court, Crying, Current events, dating, Divorce, domestic, Edgefield McMenamins, family, gay, gay marriage, God, grief, health, homosexuality, kisses, law enforcement, Lesbian, lgbt, Love, Marriage, news, Pain, parenting, Politics, portland oregon, promises, relationships, religion, single, sleep, Troutdale Oregon, vows, wedding, women on May 11, 2011 at 6:13 am

I’m lying awake with a million things on my mind. But the only thing I can hear is this song.

I remember the nights I’d lay in bed, next to her, yet being so far apart. This song would play like a soundtrack in my mind, an anthem to the loneliness I’d feel. I really don’t miss that feeling, but I miss her.

How is it possible to miss someone that really inflicted some of the most hurtful moments in my life? It’s like saying I miss walking around with shards of glass in my shoe.

I’m probably all contemplative about those nights, tonight, because I cried when I tried laying in the bed this evening. Apparently I’m not quite at “sleeping in the bed without her at least physically present” status.

This.

Sucks.