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Archive for the ‘women’ Category

My Big Fat Life – Moving Sunsets

In blogging, changes, happy, Life, Love, parenting, smokers who suck at being humane, women on August 17, 2015 at 10:57 am

The past few months of living where I do has become a nightmare. I can’t really get into the details of it all right now, but it’s become a need to move.

I have often debated whether I should move, despite the fact I hate the town I live in. I always come back to the fact that I need to stay since Gabriel has all of his specialists up here, and his health is more important than liking where I live, so I have stayed.There have been some good things, but for the most part it’s all been a struggle for me. I personally like Portland proper, and had I moved into the city, I would most likely have stayed. But I didn’t, and I’m not.

This whole issue with the area where I am living now has forcibly uprooted me, and while a pain in the ass and beyond expensive, I have found a place to go that I am finally looking forward to. I can’t say where I am going exactly, but I can tell you that there will be sunsets involved.

I really miss the sunsets.

It’s been a really long time since I ever thought about the fact that I lived here with my ex, and honestly if I even thought about her being in my apartment, I would feel as though she was a stranger invading our space. I can’t even imagine having ever even dated her, let alone having entered into a partnership with her. It just seems that long ago, and while I long ago threw away any of the things we shared, down to the towels, it really does seem like the boys and I are the only ones who ever lived here. But in the back of my mind a part of me feels like this is the final dumping of anything she touched, and it’s a good thing in every way possible. It feels like a closure in so many ways, and yet it’s been a tremendous growth in so many others. I leave with that, and it makes it all worth it. If everything I went through was needed to bring me to this moment in my life, I would do it all over again even knowing what I know now. Moving up here has been the passage I needed to walk in order to get where I ultimately wanted be, and for the first time in my life I feel like I am closer to being where I want to be than I ever have been. It’s a pretty amazing thing and not as terrifying as I thought it would be.
I have just a few days left here in this place, and while it’s my typical to write before I move, I am not sure I want to do that here. I think this whole blog has chronicled the life that has taken place in this apartment.  While not always easy, so much good has happened here too. Beyond the pain and the tears, laughter and love has happened within these walls. When I leave, there will be no tears of resentment or fear. No feelings of being duped, manipulated or taken advantage of. I don’t feel like I am packing my boxes just to move and jump on a land mine in the name of love. There is nothing left to reflect on. Just love, peace and being stronger to handle the changes that life continues to bring.

I guess in a way this is my personal sunset.

Perhaps it’s time to start catching those sunrises.

My Big Fat Life – My Penis Says I Like You

In dating, feelings, women, Writing on March 15, 2015 at 12:11 am

There is a huge transition from dating men from having dated women. The dynamic is just completely different. I know that there are some differences because of individual personality, but over all… there is a difference.

For example, when I was dating women it was a much easier flow of conversation. I think that women just naturally seem better at carrying on a conversation that makes the other feel like we are interested in learning about the other. By that I mean we tend to ask questions that help us get to know you in a more sentimental, and personal way. We like to talk about feelings, favorite colors, and our favorite childhood memories, and we like to ask you about yours. It’s these skills that can have us get into a grocery check out line with a cart, and walk away with our bags of groceries and 5 new friends.

Men however, are a whole other ball game. In my experience so far they don’t tend to ask questions, or carry much of a mutual conversation. You would almost hear the argument “They are listening. They don’t need to ask if you are already telling them”, but I’m not. I’m pretty picky when it comes to going on a date… or not. That is obviously my problem.

I have gone on some dates to get some experience in learning how to date men all over again. I am learning to move through some of my social anxieties of meeting someone for the first time. At least that is what the goal was. I just find I have sharpened my skills at sipping coffee, and quietly listening to a make-shift counseling session. Since dating men this past year, I’ve also come to find a part of my struggle is questioning whether men even find me attractive. Just to elaborate on the attaction part, I once dated a woman who once told me that in the lesbian world she thought she was pretty hot. In the heterosexual world, she thought she was average. After I stopped laughing, I got what she was saying. I had far more confidence dating women than I did men. Not because I somehow thought I was physically fabulous on the lesbian dating circut, but because I did feel more confident with women. I felt we shared more conversation, and that made me feel more secure physically… if that makes sense. I guess I could use the insane amount of sexual advances directed towards me as a measurement, but to be honest I would rather not measure my attractivness by the reaction of my date’s penis. Attraction is so much more than just the physical.

With dating men it’s usually 45 minutes of them talking about their ex, how wonderful they (they guy) is, or some other counseling/interview session. The one thing that blows me away is the amount of guys who make sexual advances on a first date. One guy actually grabbed me by the waist, pulled me in and tried to kiss me. When I pulled away and told him that I don’t kiss on a first date, his response was “You do now”. My response was “No, I don’t”. This isn’t even the first time something like this has happened, and it floors me. Whatever happend to that nervous moment that someone reaches to hold your hand?

Is there just this huge group of men in their late 30s and 40s who are walking around with a perpetual hard on? Is there something that they can not take for this? Maybe some anti-testosterone penile introduction reaction pill that keeps it from responding within the first hour of meeting someone so we can have an mutually held verbal conversation and learn whether we find find each other mentally attractive?

Anything?

….

I especially love the courtesy of the text message after the inital meeting that asks me out for a second date. It usually says something like “It was nice to meet you. When are you avaiable to meet again?” (please keep in mind that some awkward inappropriate sexual advance has already taken place). I can’t say for certain, but I suspect if I plugged that sentence into Google translate from male to female, it would read something along the lines of “Hey, my penis says I should ask you out again. Perhaps I can spend the next date telling you all about my divorce some more, and how much I would like to have sex with you. I’d really like that. I’ll even pay for the coffee this time.”

I’m not trying to suggest that ALL men are slaves to the penis. I just don’t think I have met that one yet based on the dates I have been on.

Just. One. Nice. Guy. Who gets that sharing experiences on a first date doesn’t always invovle some sexual advance, or awkward flirtatious innuendo.

Please.

My Big Fat Lesbian Life – Come here, Go Away, Go Away.

In dating, Divorce, family, gay, Lesbian, lgbt, Love, single, Uncategorized, women on January 27, 2013 at 5:20 pm

In the spirit of my new change, I have been backing up my way of thinking with action.

This week, I blocked the phone calls and text messages of someone who would literally stress me out everytime she sent me a text. I won’t go into all the reasons why she stresses me out, only to say that she seems to be in a place I don’t want to be. The negative energy, the denial.. In the past, I would have been accepting. Not anymore.

I started going to Al-Anon. Al-Anon is for the family and freinds of alochoholics. While I have dealt with a lot of the things that I expereinced at the hands of my Mothers addiction, I still have that caretaking mentality. It is what has kept me in bad relationships, making excuses for the others behavior. In the process none of my boudaries were respected. Actually, I am not sure I even had any. But I have them now, and I need to repect them. I need to hold them close and true. If someone chooses not to respect those boundaries, at least I will.

I deleted someone I had an involvement with at one time, from my Facebook page, It was Bea.. the one I wrote about, who I was totally into in High School. I have no idea why, but seeing her page and topics seemed to upset me in some weird way. So, after some thought, I decided to let whatever it was, be what it is.

I feel good about these changes. Of course I never want to hurt anyone. I find that a difficult thing to face. I also know I am tired of hurting myself, while choosing to protect the feelings of others. It’s time to take those steps and finally let my actions show that I care about myself and that I respect the boundaries I have set out for myself.

It feels good to finally liberate myself, from myself.

My Big Fat Lesbian Life – Wide Awake

In Blog, blogging, Break-up, C.S. Lewis, christian, communication, connection, dating, equality, gay, God, healing, Lesbian Relationships, LGBTQ, Life, Love, Oregon, Portland, relationships, Relationships, respect, sex, single, Uncategorized, women, Writing on January 15, 2013 at 12:14 am

I will open this with a hard truth.

Recently a friend of mine, Lisa Mae, asked me a very honest question during a conversation, as she listened to my latest mess of a dating situation where I had to break off yet another disaster. She asked me “Aren’t you tired of telling the same story?”

Yes. Very much so actually.

In my recent awakening that I have an incredible tolerance for bullshit (see previous blog titled “Bullshit”) I have been far less tolerant of the bullshit, much quicker. While it is awesome, it also really makes dating a challenge. Because people are just full of all sorts of crap that they haven’t dealt with. Her question reveled something to me quite honestly that I need to deal with. I want to write a new story.I had to think about what that means to me.

What it means to me is taking a new step. My first step.. I have decided to change my complete outlook on how dating will be.  I want to change my story in a lot of ways, and it starts with me. While I have a new lower tolerance for bullshit, it makes no sense to keep putting myself into situations where I give space to people I find in a matter of time, I have to walk away from. It’s empowering to walk away, but it also gets very lonely.

So how will dating look? I want to spend time getting to know someone. I want to bring back the lost art of conversation. The kind of conversations that don’t have sentences like “Hey, want to move in?”, “Let’s buy a puppy together.” and the ever so popular “Who’s paying for the U-Haul?” (add side conversations regarding bubble wrap and trailer hitches).

Since my proclaimed change, I have been asked a lot of about what it is I am looking for in another person. I think I have attacked this question in another blog, but I also think my thoughts may have changed (I hope at least matured) since. There are some things that of course, always evolve. These are the things though, that I have found over the past two years, that have come to mean the most to me as a woman.

1.) I need someone who is whole. By this I don’t mean someone who has never lived. I mean someone who has closure in their life. No open doors to the past that keep shades of light flooding into their space. No hauntings of ex partners they haven’t made closure on. I NEED to know that there is space for me in their life. I don’t want to share that space trying to compete with the memory, or emotions of someone else. I am an amazing woman. I deserve nothing less this time.

2.) I need someone who can deal with their own shit (pardon the language).  I need someone who has the ability to handle their own affairs, and does it well. I want to be there to support them in the way a partner should. I don’t want to be a treated as nothing more than a personal assistant.

3.) I need someone who has room for me. I want to be the only woman who is in their life. I want a life partner, not someone to just fill my time, but to share life with. I am not talking about every single moment of every single day. I need them to have outside interests and something separate from me, but I don’t want to worry if they are the type to not keep boundaries with others, for me.. us. I want someone I can build security with, and build trust. That is something that a lot of people don’t get either. I am not paranoid that everyone is a cheater or a manipulator, but trust is built. It is not just given. The floor to build trust on, is security. Make a woman feel secure, and she will trust you. It’s a two way street though.

4.) I want to be able to openly communicate and feel heard. I want to be able to talk to my partner when something isn’t working, and not be met with resentment. I want to give that to my partner as well. Respectfully talk, respectfully listen, respectfully react. I want someone who is able to take personal responsibility and work through something with a resolution, instead of trying to make me feel my response is just wrong and avoid having to take personal responsibility for anything. Ever have someone tell you “Well, it’s your fault. You are just insecure, get over it.” ? Well guess what? Sometimes, we do stupid things to make our partners feel insecure. If we are unable to take personal responsibility, we are not ready to take on the responsibility of being the lover of our partners heart.

5.) I want passion. I know romantic love comes and goes, I have always know that. Though passion is something I want to always work on. Not just the sexual, but conversationally. Mentally. I want someone who can mentally stimulate me. Teach me something I don’t know. Share new things with me. Music, books, literature, spiritual… Something that makes me feel alive. I have to admit, there is something about a mind that drives me wild. Share music with me, and I swoon. Music that is strong, alive with meaning and depth. Someone who can connect to those things, *sigh*.. yeah. Explore me with your mind, before  your hands.

6.) A sense of spirituality. It doesn’t have to be the same as mine, but a mutual respect of my faith, as I respect theirs. There is something to be drawn from each other when you share faith.

7.) Do not try to rescue me. I do not need rescued. I do not need a Prince riding in on a horse. Horses freak me out anyways. Just someone who can stroll in and share a stellar conversation. I want to walk next to someone and be a team. Someone I can depend on, and someone who can depend on me.

8.) I want to meet someone who wants to get to know me, just as much as I want to get to know them. Someone who will ask me questions about the person I am, and show interest in getting to know who I am. I always ask questions, and start conversation. I would love it if someone took the time to show me that I am worth getting to know, as well.

That is a good start to explain what it is I want. I almost venture to say need. I’ve compromised a few of these things from time to time, and well.. how has that worked out for me so far? Yeah, I know that no one is perfect. I am not looking for perfection. I am just looking to be true to those things that I know I have longed for.  Those things I know that move me, as a woman. I know I have compromised these things in the past, to not even be met half way. It doesn’t feel good to have people rush in, take what they want and leave the rest. It’s like allowing yourself to be an emotional clearance sale, opening the doors, and allowing people to just pull off what they want, and leave.

No more emotional clearance sales.

I’m just so much more worthy than being last seasons trend.

 

*Insert Wide Awake by Katy Perry. I couldn’t pick a more perfect song for this entry.

My Big Fat Lesbian Life – I’m Angry. I’m Sad. I’m Hurt. I’m Angry.

In Aaron Jamison, Blog, cancer, Cancer Sucks, children, Choose Joy, christian, communication, connection, Crying, Current events, emotions, encouragement, Facebook, feelings, Friend, friendship, God, grief, healing, health, kindness, Lesbian, Life, Love, military, Mom, Oregon, Pain, parenting, people, pictures, Portland, portland oregon, Questions, relationships, religion, women, Writing on March 30, 2012 at 6:51 pm

A couple of days ago my son had his 4th surgery. This time, they removed half of his thyroid because of a growth.

If you’ve been reading my blog, you know I was expecting him home in April (he’s stationed overseas, Marines). I haven’t seen him once since his cancer diagnosis a year ago.

They’re not sending him home in April. In fact, it could be months before his discharge now.

He posted a pic of his surgical scar on his Facebook wall after surgery, and my heart just sank. Well meaning friends have tried to keep my eyes on the fact my son is still alive, getting care, and will be home. But I’m angry, and I need to be angry. Of course I’m thankful my son is still alive, in medical care, and will be home.

But I’m angry.

I’m angry that my son has cancer at 22. I’m angry I can’t be with him. I’m angry he has to have surgery. I’m angry he is left with the scars to remind the very real battle he is fighting. I’m angry that I can’t be angry and feel like I have permission to be angry.

I’m grieving. Anger is an important part of the process, and I can’t skip one piece to reach acceptance. It’s like building a bed, but eliminating the sides of the frame. If you don’t add all the pieces, it will just keep falling apart every time you lay down. Repeating the motion will produce the same result. I need to be angry, be free to be angry, be free to say it out loud and feel safe in doing so.

I know people mean well, and I’m blessed to have people in my life who love and care enough to want to remind me of what’s good. I love each and every one of them for it. I just need to be angry too, and be told its OK to hurt that my son is dealing with such big stuff in his life, and know that this feeling is normal as I watch my son stand through this. It doesn’t reflect on my faith, but rather the fact I’m human.

I’m sad, I’m hurt…

I’m angry…

and it’s OK.

My Big Fat Lesbian Life – Fill A Heart

In Blog, blogging, Blue Like Jazz, christian, Current events, Edgefield McMenamins, emotions, encouragement, equality, Facebook, kindness, Kiss, kisses, Laughing stars, Lesbian, lgbt, Life, Love, Oregon, people, portland oregon, Rain, relationships, The Little Prince, women, Writing on February 27, 2012 at 11:34 pm

Somedays, I just feel like I can’t do anything right.

It could be the way I keep managing to slam my seat belt in the car door, lose my keys, the days I forget to start the dishwasher, misplacing my favorite earrings, or over tweeze one brow giving me a permanent look of raising a brow. I don’t even know how to raise only one brow.

It’s days like that, that I need my heart filled. I need to hear what it is I’m doing right, versus where it is I’m falling short.

I’m sure we all feel like this from time to time, but I think we forget outside of ourselves and that hearts need to be filled.

So go… say something nice to someone today. Let them know what they’re doing right. It doesn’t have to be some big display of praise, though don’t stop yourself if that’s what’s on your heart. But fill someone’s heart today with letting them know what they mean to you, or what it is they do that makes you smile.

With today’s gas prices one thing we can be sure of, we can all afford to fill a heart.

My Big Fat Lesbian Life – Into The Wild & Into My Heart

In Blog, blogging, Blue Like Jazz, Choose Joy, Current events, dating, equality, Facebook, family, feelings, friendship, gardening, God, healing, Kiss, Laughing stars, Lesbian, lgbt, Love, Oregon, parenting, people, portland oregon, Rain, relationships, women, Writing on February 10, 2012 at 9:08 am

It’s been no secret to anyone around me, that moving up here has been one of the biggest culture shocks to my system. Of course the reasons I moved from my small town, were of the worst reasons in the bigger picture, but at the time I truly felt it was what I needed to do to give my marriage a chance. It wasn’t the plan when I first married, and it wasn’t the plan after I had moved (we both wanted to move to the country) but all of that aside (I’ve written that out of my system already) this is where I have landed.

I laid in bed for a bit, and tried to figure out exactly at what point it was I transitioned in this woman that adapted to her surroundings. Where it was exactly I had closed that door to the barefeet against the grass, and replaced it with the sound of my heels walking across a parking lot. That isn’t to say that I don’t appreciate wearing heels, but if given the option I would gladly toss my heels and all they have come to resemble since moving here.

I’m meeting with a life coach once a week. She asks questions that I sometimes struggle with the answers to, because they face me to explore myself in ways I haven’t in quite sometime. One of my challenges this week is to list 10 things I need. That might not sound hard to some of you, but to me it made me stop in my tracks. I haven’t thought about what I need in quite awhile. My day is usually filled with the needs of others, and ofettimes I set aside what it is I need as a person. I don’t want to lose the sound of myself, because I can feel it slowly getting quieter above the sounds of other things. So I thought about the things she asked and listened to what I could still hear.

I came up with a list. This list is of course, subject to change the more I think about it, but off the top of my heart, this is what I heard when I listened to that woman inside of me.

So, here it is:

1.) Peace. I need the peace that can only come from being away from the noise of the daily movement up here.  The peace that comes from planting a seed, or a flower in the ground. I miss gardening. I miss feeling connected to something around me.

2.) I want to feel of grass on my feet and the sun on my face. In all reality I don’t mind the city; I love aspects of it. I just hate the area I live in currently.

3.) To touch and be touched.

4.) To be desired. Desired in that quiet way a soft kiss on the neck can make you feel. That kiss that makes you feel wanted. I love words, and who doesn’t like to get that text that says “I think you’re beautiful” or some equally romantic thing that makes you feel thought of throughout the day.. but that  moment that you are being quietly explored in a way that says “I see you”..well, it’s pretty amazing.

5.) To love and be loved. I’ve been working on #17 on my life list for sometime now.

6.) Open skies. No city lights, just the stars when I walk outside. Being able to watch the sun set and sleep behind the horizon. Even if it’s just making time once a week to land somewhere I can see it all.

7.) Randon kindness

8.) Music. I’m pretty sure the soundtrack to my life involves a song by Barry Manillow. That’s the only time you will see me admit this.

9.) It really is hard to come up with 10 things, because the things I mentioned above are the essential things in my life. Peace, open spaces, love, to be desired, touch, music.. Those are the things that my soul needs. All else that follows is like that extra bit of butter on your already delicious pancakes.

A quote by my favorite author, Donald Miller, says:

“And so my prayer is that your story will have involved some leaving and some coming home, some summer and some winter, some roses blooming out like children in a play. My hope is your story will be about changing, about getting something beautiful born inside of you, about learning to love a woman or a man, about learning to love a child, about moving yourself around water, around mountains, around friends, about learning to love others more than we love ourselves, about learning oneness as a way of understanding God. We get one story, you and I, and one story alone. God has established the elements, the setting and the climax and the resolution. It would be a crime not to venture out, wouldn’t it?”

That pretty much sums up my list of things I need, and I guess a little bit of what I want. I know I could only come up with 9, but I wasn’t sure exactly how to fit ” I would like to pet a pig” into the whole scheme of things. I would like to see a firefly much more than petting a pig, but petting a pig seems more doable up here in Oregon.

My Big Fat Lesbian Life – Dancing My Life

In Blog, blogging, Blue Like Jazz, C.S. Lewis, children, Choose Joy, christian, Current events, dating, equality, Facebook, family, feelings, Flowers, Friend, friendship, gardening, God, grief, healing, health, homosexuality, Kiss, Laughing stars, Lesbian, lgbt, Life, Love, Musician, Oregon, portland oregon, relationships, single, women, Writing on January 23, 2012 at 9:00 pm

I’ve often wondered what it would be like to dance under the night sky.

It’s actually on my life list of things to do.. Dance under the stars with someone I love. I used to think it would be the ultimate of romantic. Music playing softly, holding close, and just getting lost in the moment.

Of course since I have written that list, things have changed. My understanding of what love is and how love acts is much bigger than those tender moments we share, but rather dancing under the night sky can be the dance of two hearts just being close. It’s a dance all it’s own.

I’ve neglected my list in quite sometime. Maybe because somewhere along the line I realized that going from goal to goal sounds boring. It’s all the moments that take place in between that mean the most to me.

So while I still would like to experience some of those things, I’d like to live in between all of those moments.

Stars are good, stars are magical. But life, is amazing.

My life list..

1. Fly in an airplane for the FIRST time. (see Tennessee)

2. I would really like to start playing the cello again. (Bought one May 2010) — (update.. Cello no more. It was the victim of my divorce)

3. See St. Peters Basilica

4. Dance under the stars with someone I love.

x. Ride in a hot air balloon. (2010 I am changing this. They are pretty to watch, but I think I want mark it off as “eh, I can do without even going up in one.” So.. Move to the country. Or at least somewhere I have my open skies again. (Update, 8/2015 – done!)

6. Changed from original.. My original #6 isn’t realistic.. So I’m changing it to get the nerve to Karaoke, no matter how bad I suck.

7. Meet Diane Sawyer.

8. Own a used bookstore.

9. Go out on Puget Sound in a sail boat.

10. See a show on Broadway, or a Broadway show.

11. Go to the ballet.

12. Learn to play the harp.

13. See Southern California.

14. See Chicago

15. See Boston

16. Plant an all white flower garden

17. This one is personal, but I’ll let you know when it happens

18. See Disneyland

19. See the Northern Lights

x. Learn to ice skate – Jan. 1 2009 – Sherwood Oregon, Gordon Z

x. Go to an art museum – Jan 31 2009 Portland Art Museum. I stood in front of a Monet and Renoir and Van Gogh! Amazing..

22. Get a tat

23. Finish writing my book

x. Finally go to OMSI- April 4th 2009 – Went with Kel! Yay! 🙂 Had fun, saw an interesting exhibit on the Mona Lisa

25. Work on one investigative story for Dateline NBC or 20/20.

26. Deep sea fishing.

x. Finally get the nerve to dye my hair black..April 26 2009 I did it

28. (adding this one 2010) Meet Daniel “Rudy” Ruettiger

29. (adding 2010) See a firefly.

30. Meet Tyra Banks

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – Thank You

In 2011, AP News, attorneys, Blog, Blue Like Jazz, Break-up, C.S. Lewis, cancer, children, Choose Joy, christian, Christmas, civil unions, clothing, coat hangers, Come Here Go Away, communication, cookies, court, Crying, Current events, dating, desert, Divorce, domestic, equality, Facebook, failure, family, fashion, fast car, feelings, finances, Fleetwood Mac, Flowers, Foolish Hearts, Friend, gardening, gay marriage, get a life, God, grief, health, Henry Miller, homosexuality, Jell-O, Kiss, Laughing stars, Law, law enforcement, Lesbian, Lesbian Relationships, lgbt, Love, Marriage, minivan, Musician, Natasha Bedingfield, Netflix, New York, news, NYE, Oregon, Pain, parenting, Pears, people, pictures, Politics, Portland, portland oregon, promises, Questions, Rain, Regret, relationships, religion, same sex, school, September, single, sleep, Steve Perry, Steve Taylor, stress, Uncategorized, vehicle, vows, wedding, women, Writing on January 17, 2012 at 12:32 am

After much thought, I decided this letter belongs as the last entry under My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce heading. It’s really more of a morph (non Power Rangers style, though I’d like to be the Pink Power Ranger if I had to choose).

In saying that, I’m struggling for the words to open a good-bye letter. Saying “good-bye” has never been my strong suit. I’ve led a life of good-byes while I’ve longed for a life of “Hello”.

But you didn’t say good-bye to me or the boys, and in retrospect, neither did we to you. Rather, we’ve lived our good-bye through each day we’ve discovered our laughter and ourselves once again.

So, let me start by saying Thank You.

I didn’t know where this journey of uprooting myself and the children to move up here would lead us. Of course I had hoped it would lead us to a better level of a new chapter in our lives, and it has. Just….without you. At first I felt that was more of an ending, but in reality it’s become a beginning.

I know I cried a lot after moving up here. I had left behind open skies, the sound of crickets at night, and the quiet streets. But despite the reasons we married, I had left it all behind because I made a commitment and I wanted to see where that journey could lead us all as a family. It wasn’t easy but that was the level I believed in my keeping my word. It wasn’t what we agreed on when we decided to marry that day we went to the courthouse, but still….

I thought despite things hadn’t come into my life as I had hoped, that it could somehow grow into what I dreamed of once I moved and in time.

Maybe I didn’t see you as my partner the way I should have when we decided to marry, but I gave it my all to grow into love with you and to be your wife. Eventually I did, but by that time I had also realized that our union was in reality a business arrangement between two people for your job, and would never really be the loving relationship of two hearts discovering each other in the natural progression I had longed for. By that time though, emotions were involved so walking away became a tangled mess. I should have walked away much sooner, but I can’t question or second guess myself anymore, because things turned out exactly as they should.

Since I’ve lived here on my own, I’ve discovered my own heart, my own voice, and my own open skies once again. Perhaps meeting you was exactly what I needed to move me to this new level of my life that’s opened up new and different opportunities for the boys and I.

B is flourishing in his new school, C is mainstreamed without an aide, G is reaching new milestones and D is excelling academically. Who knows if any of that would be the case had we not moved.

I’ve made new friends, explored new opportunities, found that I’m much stronger than I’ve ever given myself credit for, and learned to trust myself once again.

I’ve also found that I know exactly what I’m longing to feel with another person and a liberty to allow myself the freedom to feel it without reserve when it comes. I’ve had opportunities to do just that, but I haven’t settled. Because I’ve heard my voice when I filed for our divorce, and I liked the sound of my own strength.

So Thank You.

I say that without malice, sarcasm or for any other reason than to simply thank you.

You were the train ride here, that held a work shop of lessons that I needed to learn, for whatever reasons I needed. I appreciate that and I’ll always thank you for that.

But now, I need to tell you Good-Bye openly with my words instead of just living it as I have. The boys have said good-bye in their own ways, so I’m not just saying this as your ex wife, but also as your ex family.

We’re good.

I wish you love, happiness and I truly hope you find the peace you’re so desperately seeking. I hope you find healing, hope and joy. I hope many good things for you. I’m pretty sure neither of us had planned for it to end as badly as it did. That’s OK.

Because I’m exactly where God has planned all along.

If you listen to this song, you’ll hear exactly where my heart is in writing this. It starts when Chris Colfer sings, and ends with my

Good-Bye.

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – This Is My Life

In AP News, Blog, blogging, Break-up, children, christian, civil unions, communication, court, Crying, Current events, dating, desert, Divorce, domestic, Edgefield McMenamins, equality, Facebook, failure, family, fashion, feelings, finances, Flowers, Friend, friendship, gardening, gay, gay marriage, God, grief, healing, health, homosexuality, Kiss, Laughing stars, Law, Lesbian, lgbt, Life, Love, movies, Myspace, Netflix, New York, news, Oregon, parenting, people, Politics, Portland, portland oregon, promises, relationships, same sex, single, The Little Prince, vehicle, vows, women, Writing on January 14, 2012 at 1:44 am

For some reason I thought it had already been 9 months that had passed, but in reality it’s just passed. That’s a good thing, because that tells me my life has continued in a more positive light. I’ve been writing more about the things the my life is about now, then it was when I was married. Another good indicator that I’ve moved on.. That I’m whole again.

Because of that, I’ve decided that I may continue writing up until the year mark, but I’d like to focus more on my life today and where I’m going now. This blog will no longer be about My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce, but instead my life.

I thought I might wait until that year mark, but honestly I’m ready now. Because I’m living.. now.

As of today, I’d like to introduce you to My Big Fat Lesbian Life.

Hi, I’m Lia.

I’m a woman,

A Mom,

This is my life.