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Posts Tagged ‘Changes’

My Big Fat Life – Moving Sunsets

In blogging, changes, happy, Life, Love, parenting, smokers who suck at being humane, women on August 17, 2015 at 10:57 am

The past few months of living where I do has become a nightmare. I can’t really get into the details of it all right now, but it’s become a need to move.

I have often debated whether I should move, despite the fact I hate the town I live in. I always come back to the fact that I need to stay since Gabriel has all of his specialists up here, and his health is more important than liking where I live, so I have stayed.There have been some good things, but for the most part it’s all been a struggle for me. I personally like Portland proper, and had I moved into the city, I would most likely have stayed. But I didn’t, and I’m not.

This whole issue with the area where I am living now has forcibly uprooted me, and while a pain in the ass and beyond expensive, I have found a place to go that I am finally looking forward to. I can’t say where I am going exactly, but I can tell you that there will be sunsets involved.

I really miss the sunsets.

It’s been a really long time since I ever thought about the fact that I lived here with my ex, and honestly if I even thought about her being in my apartment, I would feel as though she was a stranger invading our space. I can’t even imagine having ever even dated her, let alone having entered into a partnership with her. It just seems that long ago, and while I long ago threw away any of the things we shared, down to the towels, it really does seem like the boys and I are the only ones who ever lived here. But in the back of my mind a part of me feels like this is the final dumping of anything she touched, and it’s a good thing in every way possible. It feels like a closure in so many ways, and yet it’s been a tremendous growth in so many others. I leave with that, and it makes it all worth it. If everything I went through was needed to bring me to this moment in my life, I would do it all over again even knowing what I know now. Moving up here has been the passage I needed to walk in order to get where I ultimately wanted be, and for the first time in my life I feel like I am closer to being where I want to be than I ever have been. It’s a pretty amazing thing and not as terrifying as I thought it would be.
I have just a few days left here in this place, and while it’s my typical to write before I move, I am not sure I want to do that here. I think this whole blog has chronicled the life that has taken place in this apartment.  While not always easy, so much good has happened here too. Beyond the pain and the tears, laughter and love has happened within these walls. When I leave, there will be no tears of resentment or fear. No feelings of being duped, manipulated or taken advantage of. I don’t feel like I am packing my boxes just to move and jump on a land mine in the name of love. There is nothing left to reflect on. Just love, peace and being stronger to handle the changes that life continues to bring.

I guess in a way this is my personal sunset.

Perhaps it’s time to start catching those sunrises.

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My Big Fat Life – Dating Men

In Uncategorized on January 5, 2015 at 5:45 am

Dating men.

Years ago when I used to date men my friends would find my dating stories entertaining. Not because they were good, but because my dates were bad. Very bad. From the guy who came up behind me and grabbed my hips while thrusting into me (I had innocently bent over a display in the store… yes, he did this is public) to the guy who tried to convince me that God didn’t want him masturbating so he needed me to give him a hand job. It seemed my dates were more set ready for a comedy tour than to set the stage for a successful relationship. For the record both of those were first dates.

Dating women seemed to be easier in a lot of ways because we communicated in a very personal way. We would spend the first hour of a conversation learning about each other. Our favorite colors, band, movie, where we grew up and all of that basic information we talk to people we are interested in getting to know better. Men, however, have proved to be a different experience.

Since I started to date men again, I’ve been on a few dates.  A sad majority of them have been listening to people tell me what a rotten awful person their ex is, and/or how they are just looking for a good time. One guy spent an hour telling me how wonderful he was, and another showed up looking NOTHING like his profile photo (this is also the guy who also informed me in the middle of dinner that he was too distracted by my breasts while looking at me, to even look me in the eyes while talking). Since a majority do seem to want to talk about their ex, I’ve I considered starting my own mobile dating crisis counseling service. Possibly setting up an app that allows guys to book a date with me. Payment in form of dinner, and random compliment not related to my breasts.

*make note to invest in tacky shirt that says “My other eyes are green” *

Now… I am not trying to make men seem shallow. I don’t believe they all are. I just simply have had some pretty bad experiences. In part because I guess I expect men to communicate the same way I would if I were interested in getting to know someone. I know I wouldn’t spend time starting at their chest, and I certainly wouldn’t spent the first 45 minutes of being in their presence talking about how awful my ex is. I just wanna know what your favorite pizza is, and if you can tell some stellar jokes.

I’ve made a big change in dating, and I expected it would be a learning curve. I’ve gotten to sharpen up my listening skills, and that’s always a good thing, right?  I guess a part of me is still just confused about the communication piece. Or maybe I’m not, and I still don’t understand why someone wouldn’t want to take the time to get to know me as a person or involve in a two way conversation over dinner. Is it really that hard to ask someone what their favorite color is?

Green.

So here I am on this adventure changing my whole way of life. So far it’s been interesting, and not exactly in the best way. But I guess it is all how you look at it, so maybe I will start writing a comedy sketch or shopping around for reality shows that might want to follow an out of the closet heterosexual, who is raising 4 boys on her own as we weave our way through the medical journey of one. TLC might be in the market now that Honey Boo Boo is off the air.

I know the differences between how men and women communicate is usually pretty different. I get that. Despite knowing this, I am still holding to my desire that someone might find me fascinating enough to want to know what my favorite flower is. If I don’t, I may start to ask people to sign releases and my dating life may soon be coming to a stage near you.

I’ll call it the Diaries of Dating: A One Woman Show. It’ll tour for one date only. I’ll whine about my ex for the first 45 minutes of a set, and then get too distracted by my own breasts to continue talking while looking at the audience.

I think I have the perfect shirt to wear for this.

MY Big Fat Life – Tolerance, Acceptance, Pray Away The Gay, and Facebook

In Uncategorized on November 6, 2014 at 12:20 am

Recently I was unfriended on Facebook.

Before I start to sound like a whiny teenager (soory teens, but you really do get freaked out about this stuff) I have to say this was someone I considreed a realy close friend at one time. Since unfriending on social media is the new “I don’t want to be your friend anymore” talk, of course it is going to sting a bit.

The reason why I was unfriended is what really gets me though. I had posted on someones page about my journey this past year. She (the friend) somehow took it as me saying you can *pray away the gay*. Gosh how I despise that saying. I wasn’t even saying that. In fact, I never even said that people can “pray away the gay”. However I also won’t minimize the role my faith has served in how things have changed for me this past year. But that change was between God and I, and a change in my faith, not some act of praying anything away.

See, I know how that “pray the gay away” thing works. It doesn’t. At least not in the traditional way the church teaches. I’ve been there. I have spent countless hours seeking pastoral counsel, asking for prayer at the altar, talking to people, praying for God to take the thoughts away, to remove the attraction, to not send me to hell because I couldn’t seem to control my thoughts when I saw an attractive woman, and pretty much everything else I could think of to “pray away the gay”. I know how hurtful that saying can be, and I know the damage it can do.

None of the above mentioned acts changed who I was. Of course they didn’t, because I was going through church approved actions expecting a result. I was in desparate places begging for changes, change of mind, change of desire, change of who I was. But none of those things changed who I was, and unless you have been there you can’t really understand that conflict between someone who identifies as a lesbian, and their faith. You can’t understand that pain that comes with it; the feeling that somehow God just doesn’t care and tossed you to the dogs to fight this conflict on your own. It really bothers me that someone could even think they have the right to challenge me on my own personal journey from where I have been, to where I am.

Let me set this out there right now. I don’t know where people stand in their own life. I can only say this is where I am, and my change came from a very quiet place between God and I, and I won’t deny the faith factor because it makes someone else uncomfortable or feeds into their need to define me based on their experiences.

I understand there will be people who will think I am really bi, or wasn’t even a lesbian at all because of this. But that isn’t their right. It isn’t my right to define you, and it isn’t your right to define me. I have no desire to even start to tell people how to *pray away the gay*. So please don’t point fingers and demand that people accept and tolerate you and your choices, while choosing to define and accuse me for living mine. Especially if you have never lived a majority of their life struggling with the idenity of your sexuality, and faith. You don’t get it.

Someone said it perfectly to me recently. He said ” I’ve found that intolerant people are just that. Usually in most aspects of their lives… So all you really lost I suppose is a person who thinks it’s ok to be them but it’s not ok to be you.” His words have stuck with me this past week, and made a real difference. It’s so true. In fact, it’s so perfectly said I don’t even need to elaborate.

With that, I will just leav this here. This is the song that came to my mind when I thought about writing this blog. I was going to post something else, but I came right back to this. I think it’s because I am not angry, I am more hurt than anything. I think this song perfectly reflects the place where I am writing this from. This life has too much sepration amongst us all. It would be such a bettrer place if we could somehow find a place where we respect each other for who we are, and not what we are.

Peace.

My Big Fat Life – I’m Not Gay

In Uncategorized on October 16, 2014 at 10:18 pm

This is possibly one of the most difficult blogs I have had to write.

I know this will be pretty unpopular, and I am prepared for the backlash of previous readers, but it’s something I simply need to talk about.

When I started this blog I was hurting.. really hurting.. from the break up of the relationship with my *now* ex Registered Domestic Partner. I was in a place where grief seemed pretty all consuming, and I had no doubt I was truly devastated that things didn’t work out. I also didn’t question my sexuality, because as far back as I can remember, I was attracted sexually to women. Things with men didn’t seem to *work* in a lot of ways, and things just seemed so much more natural with women.

When I was in my relationship with the ex, there was one guy I had met that I was attracted to, and it surprised me. I wasn’t sure what to do with the attraction I felt, and I put it away. The word ‘bisexual’ in the LGBT community is one that is often seen with a lot of discrimination, and prejudice. I didn’t think I was bisexual (and I don’t think I am now), but I also didn’t know what to think.

I continued to date women after the ending of that relationship. Though I wrote about those relationships from time to time, I also kept a lot of it to myself. I never really liked the idea of writing about my dating life to begin with. One, I didn’t want to make the person uncomfortable, and two.. well, I didn’t want to write about it and then when it ended have it be another failed relationship that became the focus of my writing.

When Gabriel had his surgery last year, and I was in a relationship at that time. I won’t go into details about what happened, though I know a lot of it I under a tremendous amount of stress. I was also at a cross roads in my personal life.

When you are faced with the reality of life in such a raw way, you start to ask yourself questions. You start to wonder if you are really on the right track in your own life. Maybe career, personal life, romantic relationships, friendships.. so many areas. I thought I had known who I was, what I wanted, where I wanted to be. I had plans for life, and I was trying to live out my goals the best I could.

I am not so sure anymore.

The past 6 months, I have been on some dates. All those dates were with men.

Now, please hang with me. I know some of you are automatically labeling me as a bisexual. I can almost hear my ex screaming “I knew it!” in the background (that is in no way to suggest she is actually doing so), but let me make this clear.. I do not label myself as a bisexual. In all honesty, labeling me is the least important thing about this entry.

Over this past year a lot of things have changed in my life, and one of those changes has been what I feel I desire in a relationship. I can’t explain to you exactly where and when my heart changed, but I can tell you that today.. here behind the screen of the computer.. is a woman who realized that I am not the certified, card carrying, absolute lesbian I believed I was born to be. I am a woman who doesn’t want to label herself in anyway, other than to say that I fully believe that dating women is not where I want to be anymore. It’s not where I believe I am to be anymore.

I am not sure how to even begin to talk about why I believe the changes came about without sparking some serious debate about faith, but yes.. I am a Christian. I have never hid the fact that I believe in God, and I can’t explain how these drastic changes in my very being have taken place because it’s such a personal experience. I can only tell you my experience is that I am no longer attracted to women either sexually or romantically.

So there you have it.

I’m not gay.

My Big Fat Lesbian Life – Wide Awake

In Blog, blogging, Break-up, C.S. Lewis, christian, communication, connection, dating, equality, gay, God, healing, Lesbian Relationships, LGBTQ, Life, Love, Oregon, Portland, relationships, Relationships, respect, sex, single, Uncategorized, women, Writing on January 15, 2013 at 12:14 am

I will open this with a hard truth.

Recently a friend of mine, Lisa Mae, asked me a very honest question during a conversation, as she listened to my latest mess of a dating situation where I had to break off yet another disaster. She asked me “Aren’t you tired of telling the same story?”

Yes. Very much so actually.

In my recent awakening that I have an incredible tolerance for bullshit (see previous blog titled “Bullshit”) I have been far less tolerant of the bullshit, much quicker. While it is awesome, it also really makes dating a challenge. Because people are just full of all sorts of crap that they haven’t dealt with. Her question reveled something to me quite honestly that I need to deal with. I want to write a new story.I had to think about what that means to me.

What it means to me is taking a new step. My first step.. I have decided to change my complete outlook on how dating will be.  I want to change my story in a lot of ways, and it starts with me. While I have a new lower tolerance for bullshit, it makes no sense to keep putting myself into situations where I give space to people I find in a matter of time, I have to walk away from. It’s empowering to walk away, but it also gets very lonely.

So how will dating look? I want to spend time getting to know someone. I want to bring back the lost art of conversation. The kind of conversations that don’t have sentences like “Hey, want to move in?”, “Let’s buy a puppy together.” and the ever so popular “Who’s paying for the U-Haul?” (add side conversations regarding bubble wrap and trailer hitches).

Since my proclaimed change, I have been asked a lot of about what it is I am looking for in another person. I think I have attacked this question in another blog, but I also think my thoughts may have changed (I hope at least matured) since. There are some things that of course, always evolve. These are the things though, that I have found over the past two years, that have come to mean the most to me as a woman.

1.) I need someone who is whole. By this I don’t mean someone who has never lived. I mean someone who has closure in their life. No open doors to the past that keep shades of light flooding into their space. No hauntings of ex partners they haven’t made closure on. I NEED to know that there is space for me in their life. I don’t want to share that space trying to compete with the memory, or emotions of someone else. I am an amazing woman. I deserve nothing less this time.

2.) I need someone who can deal with their own shit (pardon the language).  I need someone who has the ability to handle their own affairs, and does it well. I want to be there to support them in the way a partner should. I don’t want to be a treated as nothing more than a personal assistant.

3.) I need someone who has room for me. I want to be the only woman who is in their life. I want a life partner, not someone to just fill my time, but to share life with. I am not talking about every single moment of every single day. I need them to have outside interests and something separate from me, but I don’t want to worry if they are the type to not keep boundaries with others, for me.. us. I want someone I can build security with, and build trust. That is something that a lot of people don’t get either. I am not paranoid that everyone is a cheater or a manipulator, but trust is built. It is not just given. The floor to build trust on, is security. Make a woman feel secure, and she will trust you. It’s a two way street though.

4.) I want to be able to openly communicate and feel heard. I want to be able to talk to my partner when something isn’t working, and not be met with resentment. I want to give that to my partner as well. Respectfully talk, respectfully listen, respectfully react. I want someone who is able to take personal responsibility and work through something with a resolution, instead of trying to make me feel my response is just wrong and avoid having to take personal responsibility for anything. Ever have someone tell you “Well, it’s your fault. You are just insecure, get over it.” ? Well guess what? Sometimes, we do stupid things to make our partners feel insecure. If we are unable to take personal responsibility, we are not ready to take on the responsibility of being the lover of our partners heart.

5.) I want passion. I know romantic love comes and goes, I have always know that. Though passion is something I want to always work on. Not just the sexual, but conversationally. Mentally. I want someone who can mentally stimulate me. Teach me something I don’t know. Share new things with me. Music, books, literature, spiritual… Something that makes me feel alive. I have to admit, there is something about a mind that drives me wild. Share music with me, and I swoon. Music that is strong, alive with meaning and depth. Someone who can connect to those things, *sigh*.. yeah. Explore me with your mind, before  your hands.

6.) A sense of spirituality. It doesn’t have to be the same as mine, but a mutual respect of my faith, as I respect theirs. There is something to be drawn from each other when you share faith.

7.) Do not try to rescue me. I do not need rescued. I do not need a Prince riding in on a horse. Horses freak me out anyways. Just someone who can stroll in and share a stellar conversation. I want to walk next to someone and be a team. Someone I can depend on, and someone who can depend on me.

8.) I want to meet someone who wants to get to know me, just as much as I want to get to know them. Someone who will ask me questions about the person I am, and show interest in getting to know who I am. I always ask questions, and start conversation. I would love it if someone took the time to show me that I am worth getting to know, as well.

That is a good start to explain what it is I want. I almost venture to say need. I’ve compromised a few of these things from time to time, and well.. how has that worked out for me so far? Yeah, I know that no one is perfect. I am not looking for perfection. I am just looking to be true to those things that I know I have longed for.  Those things I know that move me, as a woman. I know I have compromised these things in the past, to not even be met half way. It doesn’t feel good to have people rush in, take what they want and leave the rest. It’s like allowing yourself to be an emotional clearance sale, opening the doors, and allowing people to just pull off what they want, and leave.

No more emotional clearance sales.

I’m just so much more worthy than being last seasons trend.

 

*Insert Wide Awake by Katy Perry. I couldn’t pick a more perfect song for this entry.