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Posts Tagged ‘DADT’

MY Big Fat Life – Tolerance, Acceptance, Pray Away The Gay, and Facebook

In Uncategorized on November 6, 2014 at 12:20 am

Recently I was unfriended on Facebook.

Before I start to sound like a whiny teenager (soory teens, but you really do get freaked out about this stuff) I have to say this was someone I considreed a realy close friend at one time. Since unfriending on social media is the new “I don’t want to be your friend anymore” talk, of course it is going to sting a bit.

The reason why I was unfriended is what really gets me though. I had posted on someones page about my journey this past year. She (the friend) somehow took it as me saying you can *pray away the gay*. Gosh how I despise that saying. I wasn’t even saying that. In fact, I never even said that people can “pray away the gay”. However I also won’t minimize the role my faith has served in how things have changed for me this past year. But that change was between God and I, and a change in my faith, not some act of praying anything away.

See, I know how that “pray the gay away” thing works. It doesn’t. At least not in the traditional way the church teaches. I’ve been there. I have spent countless hours seeking pastoral counsel, asking for prayer at the altar, talking to people, praying for God to take the thoughts away, to remove the attraction, to not send me to hell because I couldn’t seem to control my thoughts when I saw an attractive woman, and pretty much everything else I could think of to “pray away the gay”. I know how hurtful that saying can be, and I know the damage it can do.

None of the above mentioned acts changed who I was. Of course they didn’t, because I was going through church approved actions expecting a result. I was in desparate places begging for changes, change of mind, change of desire, change of who I was. But none of those things changed who I was, and unless you have been there you can’t really understand that conflict between someone who identifies as a lesbian, and their faith. You can’t understand that pain that comes with it; the feeling that somehow God just doesn’t care and tossed you to the dogs to fight this conflict on your own. It really bothers me that someone could even think they have the right to challenge me on my own personal journey from where I have been, to where I am.

Let me set this out there right now. I don’t know where people stand in their own life. I can only say this is where I am, and my change came from a very quiet place between God and I, and I won’t deny the faith factor because it makes someone else uncomfortable or feeds into their need to define me based on their experiences.

I understand there will be people who will think I am really bi, or wasn’t even a lesbian at all because of this. But that isn’t their right. It isn’t my right to define you, and it isn’t your right to define me. I have no desire to even start to tell people how to *pray away the gay*. So please don’t point fingers and demand that people accept and tolerate you and your choices, while choosing to define and accuse me for living mine. Especially if you have never lived a majority of their life struggling with the idenity of your sexuality, and faith. You don’t get it.

Someone said it perfectly to me recently. He said ” I’ve found that intolerant people are just that. Usually in most aspects of their lives… So all you really lost I suppose is a person who thinks it’s ok to be them but it’s not ok to be you.” His words have stuck with me this past week, and made a real difference. It’s so true. In fact, it’s so perfectly said I don’t even need to elaborate.

With that, I will just leav this here. This is the song that came to my mind when I thought about writing this blog. I was going to post something else, but I came right back to this. I think it’s because I am not angry, I am more hurt than anything. I think this song perfectly reflects the place where I am writing this from. This life has too much sepration amongst us all. It would be such a bettrer place if we could somehow find a place where we respect each other for who we are, and not what we are.

Peace.

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My Big Fat Lesbian Life – Come here, Go Away, Go Away.

In dating, Divorce, family, gay, Lesbian, lgbt, Love, single, Uncategorized, women on January 27, 2013 at 5:20 pm

In the spirit of my new change, I have been backing up my way of thinking with action.

This week, I blocked the phone calls and text messages of someone who would literally stress me out everytime she sent me a text. I won’t go into all the reasons why she stresses me out, only to say that she seems to be in a place I don’t want to be. The negative energy, the denial.. In the past, I would have been accepting. Not anymore.

I started going to Al-Anon. Al-Anon is for the family and freinds of alochoholics. While I have dealt with a lot of the things that I expereinced at the hands of my Mothers addiction, I still have that caretaking mentality. It is what has kept me in bad relationships, making excuses for the others behavior. In the process none of my boudaries were respected. Actually, I am not sure I even had any. But I have them now, and I need to repect them. I need to hold them close and true. If someone chooses not to respect those boundaries, at least I will.

I deleted someone I had an involvement with at one time, from my Facebook page, It was Bea.. the one I wrote about, who I was totally into in High School. I have no idea why, but seeing her page and topics seemed to upset me in some weird way. So, after some thought, I decided to let whatever it was, be what it is.

I feel good about these changes. Of course I never want to hurt anyone. I find that a difficult thing to face. I also know I am tired of hurting myself, while choosing to protect the feelings of others. It’s time to take those steps and finally let my actions show that I care about myself and that I respect the boundaries I have set out for myself.

It feels good to finally liberate myself, from myself.

My Big Fat Lesbian Life – Wide Awake

In Blog, blogging, Break-up, C.S. Lewis, christian, communication, connection, dating, equality, gay, God, healing, Lesbian Relationships, LGBTQ, Life, Love, Oregon, Portland, relationships, Relationships, respect, sex, single, Uncategorized, women, Writing on January 15, 2013 at 12:14 am

I will open this with a hard truth.

Recently a friend of mine, Lisa Mae, asked me a very honest question during a conversation, as she listened to my latest mess of a dating situation where I had to break off yet another disaster. She asked me “Aren’t you tired of telling the same story?”

Yes. Very much so actually.

In my recent awakening that I have an incredible tolerance for bullshit (see previous blog titled “Bullshit”) I have been far less tolerant of the bullshit, much quicker. While it is awesome, it also really makes dating a challenge. Because people are just full of all sorts of crap that they haven’t dealt with. Her question reveled something to me quite honestly that I need to deal with. I want to write a new story.I had to think about what that means to me.

What it means to me is taking a new step. My first step.. I have decided to change my complete outlook on how dating will be.  I want to change my story in a lot of ways, and it starts with me. While I have a new lower tolerance for bullshit, it makes no sense to keep putting myself into situations where I give space to people I find in a matter of time, I have to walk away from. It’s empowering to walk away, but it also gets very lonely.

So how will dating look? I want to spend time getting to know someone. I want to bring back the lost art of conversation. The kind of conversations that don’t have sentences like “Hey, want to move in?”, “Let’s buy a puppy together.” and the ever so popular “Who’s paying for the U-Haul?” (add side conversations regarding bubble wrap and trailer hitches).

Since my proclaimed change, I have been asked a lot of about what it is I am looking for in another person. I think I have attacked this question in another blog, but I also think my thoughts may have changed (I hope at least matured) since. There are some things that of course, always evolve. These are the things though, that I have found over the past two years, that have come to mean the most to me as a woman.

1.) I need someone who is whole. By this I don’t mean someone who has never lived. I mean someone who has closure in their life. No open doors to the past that keep shades of light flooding into their space. No hauntings of ex partners they haven’t made closure on. I NEED to know that there is space for me in their life. I don’t want to share that space trying to compete with the memory, or emotions of someone else. I am an amazing woman. I deserve nothing less this time.

2.) I need someone who can deal with their own shit (pardon the language).  I need someone who has the ability to handle their own affairs, and does it well. I want to be there to support them in the way a partner should. I don’t want to be a treated as nothing more than a personal assistant.

3.) I need someone who has room for me. I want to be the only woman who is in their life. I want a life partner, not someone to just fill my time, but to share life with. I am not talking about every single moment of every single day. I need them to have outside interests and something separate from me, but I don’t want to worry if they are the type to not keep boundaries with others, for me.. us. I want someone I can build security with, and build trust. That is something that a lot of people don’t get either. I am not paranoid that everyone is a cheater or a manipulator, but trust is built. It is not just given. The floor to build trust on, is security. Make a woman feel secure, and she will trust you. It’s a two way street though.

4.) I want to be able to openly communicate and feel heard. I want to be able to talk to my partner when something isn’t working, and not be met with resentment. I want to give that to my partner as well. Respectfully talk, respectfully listen, respectfully react. I want someone who is able to take personal responsibility and work through something with a resolution, instead of trying to make me feel my response is just wrong and avoid having to take personal responsibility for anything. Ever have someone tell you “Well, it’s your fault. You are just insecure, get over it.” ? Well guess what? Sometimes, we do stupid things to make our partners feel insecure. If we are unable to take personal responsibility, we are not ready to take on the responsibility of being the lover of our partners heart.

5.) I want passion. I know romantic love comes and goes, I have always know that. Though passion is something I want to always work on. Not just the sexual, but conversationally. Mentally. I want someone who can mentally stimulate me. Teach me something I don’t know. Share new things with me. Music, books, literature, spiritual… Something that makes me feel alive. I have to admit, there is something about a mind that drives me wild. Share music with me, and I swoon. Music that is strong, alive with meaning and depth. Someone who can connect to those things, *sigh*.. yeah. Explore me with your mind, before  your hands.

6.) A sense of spirituality. It doesn’t have to be the same as mine, but a mutual respect of my faith, as I respect theirs. There is something to be drawn from each other when you share faith.

7.) Do not try to rescue me. I do not need rescued. I do not need a Prince riding in on a horse. Horses freak me out anyways. Just someone who can stroll in and share a stellar conversation. I want to walk next to someone and be a team. Someone I can depend on, and someone who can depend on me.

8.) I want to meet someone who wants to get to know me, just as much as I want to get to know them. Someone who will ask me questions about the person I am, and show interest in getting to know who I am. I always ask questions, and start conversation. I would love it if someone took the time to show me that I am worth getting to know, as well.

That is a good start to explain what it is I want. I almost venture to say need. I’ve compromised a few of these things from time to time, and well.. how has that worked out for me so far? Yeah, I know that no one is perfect. I am not looking for perfection. I am just looking to be true to those things that I know I have longed for.  Those things I know that move me, as a woman. I know I have compromised these things in the past, to not even be met half way. It doesn’t feel good to have people rush in, take what they want and leave the rest. It’s like allowing yourself to be an emotional clearance sale, opening the doors, and allowing people to just pull off what they want, and leave.

No more emotional clearance sales.

I’m just so much more worthy than being last seasons trend.

 

*Insert Wide Awake by Katy Perry. I couldn’t pick a more perfect song for this entry.

My Big Fat Lesbian Life – The Dr Called My Son

In Blog, cancer, children, Uncategorized on April 2, 2012 at 8:39 pm

….and pathology report is…

NO cancer in thyroid!!!

NONE!

ZERO!

ZILCH!

At this moment he is cancer free!!!

I’m just so freaking happy!!!!

My Big Fat Lesbian Life – Demi Moore and Orange Leisure Suits

In Uncategorized on March 8, 2012 at 2:33 pm

I’m going to be blunt, I’m PMSing.

TMI … I know.

My body can’t decide if it’s on, or off.

I get pretty out of sync with things when my body argues with me. I’m that girl that’s dancing to a song, always moving two beats behind while wearing a neon orange leisure suit on the dance floor.

Of course my emotions get all mushy sensitive and I cry over puppy food commercials while devouring chocolate at the speed not quite determined by scientists. Toss in the neon orange leisure suit and I’m a cycle away from a one woman stand up comedy just waiting to self combust.

I’ve been feeling deep about some things. I guess it all started when I read a quote by Demi Moore. Having been recently separated she gave an interview and goes on to say..

“What scares me is that I’m going to ultimately find out at the end of my life that I’m really not lovable, that I’m not worthy of being loved. That there’s something fundamentally wrong with me.” – Demi Moore

What a big thing to say, but what an honest thing to say.

Demi said something I am sure many of us have thought about before and felt from time to time. It’s something we tend to ask ourselves at the tail end of a break-up or a drought in our personal lives as we move from place to place in our hearts, seeking that soft place to fall. However, it’s something that I have been struggling with for quite some time.

I’m sure it all goes back to my childhood, but I’ll spare the long detailed accounts. The result has been that which Demi speaks of, I get it. I completely relate. Yes, I am scared that maybe I am unlovable.

I haven’t had horrible relationships in my life, save for two notable experiences where I’ve allowed the wrong person into my world. Other than that, I’ve been pretty lucky. The recurring theme in all of my past relationship experiences, is that I’m always three sprints short of the finish line and those relationships were not going to go anywhere other than exactly where they went… nowhere.

I could blame Hollywood for the years of movies I grew up watching, conditioning me to believe that someday someone would find me moving enough to stand outside my window with a boom box or a full orchestra to win my heart (though it still is a romantic thought).

In part I’m sure it’s because I’ve always been afraid to step out of the fear of rejection that’s been my shield. It’s saved me from a lot of hurt, I’m sure. Though obviously it didn’t keep me from feeling the pangs of the remnant of a failed marriage that never should have happened in the first place. The fear of exposing my heart and it being rejected is a paralyzing thought, though I’ve been taking that risk hoping it will be different. At my age I am finding risks are sometimes better taken than not. I don’t want to be that woman that is 80 years old, thinking about all the chances I had in front of me and didn’t chose to take them because I was afraid. Though at the same time my fear echoes the words that Demi shared, and perhaps I will find myself an 80 year old woman having graduated from the orange leisure suit to wearing purple (please note reference to the poem When I Am Old, I Shall Wear Purple). I really hope not.

Either way, I refuse to be the crazy cat lady.

http://youtu.be/-j379JbL-xM

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – When The Mail Makes You Cry

In Aaron Jamison, AP News, Blog, blogging, Break-up, Choose Joy, christian, Christmas, Comedian, communication, court, Crying, Current events, dating, Divorce, equality, Facebook, failure, family, feelings, Friend, friendship, gay, God, grief, healing, health, Husband, Kiss, Laughing stars, Lesbian, Lesbian Relationships, lgbt, LGBTQ, Life, Love, Marriage, military, Myspace, Oregon, Pain, parenting, people, pictures, portland oregon, relationships, religion, single, The Little Prince, wedding, women, Writing on December 21, 2011 at 8:12 pm

Penguin oh penguin wherefore art thou oh penguin?

Yes, my penguin. It’s what I say when I talk with sparkles in my eyes, romantic thoughts on my heart and dreams in my head. I long to meet my penguin. My life partner.

I spent a portion of my morning daydreaming. I was reflecting in the past months that I’ve been healing and gained some experience in the dating scene. So it was with a bit of wonderment that I let myself daydream and ask that question “when might I meet my penguin?”. I believe in love, so I haven’t given up, but I’m also not so stressed about it that I’m clinging to every possibility put there. I want a healthy love, not just any love.

I felt a little pang of wanting to be romanced and wished I had a lover who wanted to text me “Good Morning Beautiful” or something so sweet that makes me smile in that way only a lover can move me. To feel thought of in that way that women like to be thought of (well, me anyways).

Putting away my daydreams so as not to get lost, a knock at the door grounded my feet. It was UPS and thought at first it was the wrong apt. I don’t normally get packages.

Looking at the box, and not recognizing the sending address, I opened it to find a beautifully wrapped pressie. The card indicated it was sent from my friend Ta (obviously not her full name, but I haven’t asked her permission to call her out by name). I met Ta through my friend Aaron shortly before he passed, and she is a beautiful extension of friendship I had in him. His life literally rippled to mine.

I thought about slipping it under the tree, but thought “really?” and decided to open it right then and there.

Before me was one of the most beautiful snow globes I’ve ever held, and inscribed on the front is “Lia – Your Penguin is out there – Ta”

I cried.

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