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Posts Tagged ‘dating’

My Big Fat Life – My Penis Says I Like You

In dating, feelings, women, Writing on March 15, 2015 at 12:11 am

There is a huge transition from dating men from having dated women. The dynamic is just completely different. I know that there are some differences because of individual personality, but over all… there is a difference.

For example, when I was dating women it was a much easier flow of conversation. I think that women just naturally seem better at carrying on a conversation that makes the other feel like we are interested in learning about the other. By that I mean we tend to ask questions that help us get to know you in a more sentimental, and personal way. We like to talk about feelings, favorite colors, and our favorite childhood memories, and we like to ask you about yours. It’s these skills that can have us get into a grocery check out line with a cart, and walk away with our bags of groceries and 5 new friends.

Men however, are a whole other ball game. In my experience so far they don’t tend to ask questions, or carry much of a mutual conversation. You would almost hear the argument “They are listening. They don’t need to ask if you are already telling them”, but I’m not. I’m pretty picky when it comes to going on a date… or not. That is obviously my problem.

I have gone on some dates to get some experience in learning how to date men all over again. I am learning to move through some of my social anxieties of meeting someone for the first time. At least that is what the goal was. I just find I have sharpened my skills at sipping coffee, and quietly listening to a make-shift counseling session. Since dating men this past year, I’ve also come to find a part of my struggle is questioning whether men even find me attractive. Just to elaborate on the attaction part, I once dated a woman who once told me that in the lesbian world she thought she was pretty hot. In the heterosexual world, she thought she was average. After I stopped laughing, I got what she was saying. I had far more confidence dating women than I did men. Not because I somehow thought I was physically fabulous on the lesbian dating circut, but because I did feel more confident with women. I felt we shared more conversation, and that made me feel more secure physically… if that makes sense. I guess I could use the insane amount of sexual advances directed towards me as a measurement, but to be honest I would rather not measure my attractivness by the reaction of my date’s penis. Attraction is so much more than just the physical.

With dating men it’s usually 45 minutes of them talking about their ex, how wonderful they (they guy) is, or some other counseling/interview session. The one thing that blows me away is the amount of guys who make sexual advances on a first date. One guy actually grabbed me by the waist, pulled me in and tried to kiss me. When I pulled away and told him that I don’t kiss on a first date, his response was “You do now”. My response was “No, I don’t”. This isn’t even the first time something like this has happened, and it floors me. Whatever happend to that nervous moment that someone reaches to hold your hand?

Is there just this huge group of men in their late 30s and 40s who are walking around with a perpetual hard on? Is there something that they can not take for this? Maybe some anti-testosterone penile introduction reaction pill that keeps it from responding within the first hour of meeting someone so we can have an mutually held verbal conversation and learn whether we find find each other mentally attractive?

Anything?

….

I especially love the courtesy of the text message after the inital meeting that asks me out for a second date. It usually says something like “It was nice to meet you. When are you avaiable to meet again?” (please keep in mind that some awkward inappropriate sexual advance has already taken place). I can’t say for certain, but I suspect if I plugged that sentence into Google translate from male to female, it would read something along the lines of “Hey, my penis says I should ask you out again. Perhaps I can spend the next date telling you all about my divorce some more, and how much I would like to have sex with you. I’d really like that. I’ll even pay for the coffee this time.”

I’m not trying to suggest that ALL men are slaves to the penis. I just don’t think I have met that one yet based on the dates I have been on.

Just. One. Nice. Guy. Who gets that sharing experiences on a first date doesn’t always invovle some sexual advance, or awkward flirtatious innuendo.

Please.

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My Big Fat Life – Now

In Uncategorized on February 22, 2015 at 11:13 pm

I stated counseling.

This is a pretty big step for me. I decided that I simply need a place to talk and work through some of the ways my life has changed. I had my first appointment this past week. It was the “get to know you” appointment. You know, that one where you talk about yourself and relive every crappy decision you have made while they take notes.

I think this is going to be a good thing.

My Big Fat Life – Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow. Shit.

In blog, blogging, emotions, failure, family, fast car, feelings, Foolish Hearts, Friend, God, grief, healing, Laughing stars, Life, Love, Pain, Portland Oregon, Questions, Rain, Relationships, The Little Prince, Writing on February 5, 2015 at 6:54 pm

I came here to write about a few updates, but I think my heart is so heavy that I am just going to vent instead. I need.. NEED to get some of what is going on inside, out.

Tomorrow I have a biopsy. I have no clue if there is something going on, and frankly I am hoping there isn’t. I am absolutely terrified.

I’ve done a lot of thinking about my life the past few days. Heaven knows I am beyond happy that I am a parent, and I love these people more than I can express to you.  They give me more joy than I can even begin to list, and it wouldn’t make a lot of sense to since I am pretty sure you wouldn’t find it as entertaining as I do.

I do feel like if something were to happen to me today though, that I would be missing out on some things I have always wanted to happen, and certainly experience. I know that at the end of it all, that I want to know love. I want to know what it is like to share a bed with someone at the end of the day, knowing they will be there. There is no question, no fear, no worry… you just know they are there, and you’re a team. Is that even possible? Have I been watching way too many movies with scripted love?

Does it exist?

 

My Big Fat Life – Dating Men

In Uncategorized on January 5, 2015 at 5:45 am

Dating men.

Years ago when I used to date men my friends would find my dating stories entertaining. Not because they were good, but because my dates were bad. Very bad. From the guy who came up behind me and grabbed my hips while thrusting into me (I had innocently bent over a display in the store… yes, he did this is public) to the guy who tried to convince me that God didn’t want him masturbating so he needed me to give him a hand job. It seemed my dates were more set ready for a comedy tour than to set the stage for a successful relationship. For the record both of those were first dates.

Dating women seemed to be easier in a lot of ways because we communicated in a very personal way. We would spend the first hour of a conversation learning about each other. Our favorite colors, band, movie, where we grew up and all of that basic information we talk to people we are interested in getting to know better. Men, however, have proved to be a different experience.

Since I started to date men again, I’ve been on a few dates.  A sad majority of them have been listening to people tell me what a rotten awful person their ex is, and/or how they are just looking for a good time. One guy spent an hour telling me how wonderful he was, and another showed up looking NOTHING like his profile photo (this is also the guy who also informed me in the middle of dinner that he was too distracted by my breasts while looking at me, to even look me in the eyes while talking). Since a majority do seem to want to talk about their ex, I’ve I considered starting my own mobile dating crisis counseling service. Possibly setting up an app that allows guys to book a date with me. Payment in form of dinner, and random compliment not related to my breasts.

*make note to invest in tacky shirt that says “My other eyes are green” *

Now… I am not trying to make men seem shallow. I don’t believe they all are. I just simply have had some pretty bad experiences. In part because I guess I expect men to communicate the same way I would if I were interested in getting to know someone. I know I wouldn’t spend time starting at their chest, and I certainly wouldn’t spent the first 45 minutes of being in their presence talking about how awful my ex is. I just wanna know what your favorite pizza is, and if you can tell some stellar jokes.

I’ve made a big change in dating, and I expected it would be a learning curve. I’ve gotten to sharpen up my listening skills, and that’s always a good thing, right?  I guess a part of me is still just confused about the communication piece. Or maybe I’m not, and I still don’t understand why someone wouldn’t want to take the time to get to know me as a person or involve in a two way conversation over dinner. Is it really that hard to ask someone what their favorite color is?

Green.

So here I am on this adventure changing my whole way of life. So far it’s been interesting, and not exactly in the best way. But I guess it is all how you look at it, so maybe I will start writing a comedy sketch or shopping around for reality shows that might want to follow an out of the closet heterosexual, who is raising 4 boys on her own as we weave our way through the medical journey of one. TLC might be in the market now that Honey Boo Boo is off the air.

I know the differences between how men and women communicate is usually pretty different. I get that. Despite knowing this, I am still holding to my desire that someone might find me fascinating enough to want to know what my favorite flower is. If I don’t, I may start to ask people to sign releases and my dating life may soon be coming to a stage near you.

I’ll call it the Diaries of Dating: A One Woman Show. It’ll tour for one date only. I’ll whine about my ex for the first 45 minutes of a set, and then get too distracted by my own breasts to continue talking while looking at the audience.

I think I have the perfect shirt to wear for this.

My Big Fat Life – Eleanor to Aisle 14 Please!

In Uncategorized on November 16, 2014 at 11:47 pm

A couple of days ago I was really having a tough day.

Who am I kidding? I have had a tough week.

I went to the store a few days ago to make a quick run for cereal after an appointment. It was a typical morning around my house. Gabriel was having side effects to his medication, I was PMSing, my new relationship wasn’t going so fabulous, I had an appointment, and I was out of cereal. You know….. a typical morning.

As I left my appointment, and made it to the store, I was already listening to music in the van that was audibly pouring salt into all the wounds I was feeling. Why is that every stupid song on the radio seems to know exactly when to prey upon my funky moments?

By the time I made it to the grocery store I was already trying to figure out how I could just get in and out, go home, throw the blankets over my head, and just sulk under the covers until I was ready to emerge when life was suddenly full of blue skies, and pizza.

I grabbed a cart and begrudginly worked my way over to the cereal. As I eyed the sales on cereal, I noticed a little old lady next to me. She was shorter than my 5’5, and had some serious earrings on that looked like saucers stuck to her lobes in comparison to her small frame. She was going about her business scouting out her cereal options as I glanced her way out of the corner of my eye. I quietly studied her for a moment, and wondered what her answer would be if I asked for her answers to longevity, and sanity. I wondered to myself quietly what her secret wisdom was. Did she regret losing time stressing over things that seemed so life altering when she was younger that turned out to really not be much in the bigger picture of life? I pondered for a moment actually asking her my questions, and then realized how awkward it would seem to seek wisdom on aisle 14 over the latest cereal sale. So I pardoned myself as I scooted past her with my cart as  vision settled on the big box of Cinnamom Toast Crunch in front of me.

As I scooted past her and mumbled my pardon, she spoke. I walked a few steps before I realized she was speaking to me, and I looked back towards her. She repeated  her question “What’s wrong sweetie?”. I stood there unable to speak as I felt my eyes starting to burn and swell with all the frustrations, disappointments, and fears I was feeling that morning. I struggled to formulate the sounds to give her answer to her question as my worries burned their salty path over my cheeks. I think she could tell I was struggling to answer her question, so she instead asked me my name. I softly uttered my name with a broken voice as I reached for a box of cereal.  “What’s wrong?” she asked me again. I replied that I was just having a really tough morning. I didn’t really want to unload my life to a stranger on aisle 14, and after the trouble I had saying my name through the tears streaming down my face I really wasn’t even sure if I could even find the words if I wanted to anyways.

As she looked at this woman who was now holding a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch with tears streaming down her face, she quietly said to me “It’s going to be alright. Whatever it is, it’s going to work out. I will pray for you”. She meant business, because with saying that, this woman in aisle 14 starts praying for me. Right there. I wasn’t quite sure what to do. I know how to pray and all of that, but I was just caught off guard that this little old lady with saucers on her lobes was there in aisle 14 taking a moment to just be kind to a woman who was crying while clutching a box of cereal.

She finished her prayer, smiled, and repeated her belief that everything was gong to be okay. I thanked her, and proceeded to grab another box of cereal off the shelf before quickly walking away. I made it a few steps before I realized I didn’t get her name, so I turned to walk back over to where she was, and asked her name. “Eleanor” she said. We shared some plesantries, and then I told her I was just having a tough morning in a space where things just seemed a little big. She spoke with me for a few moments, advised me to “Let go, and let God” (while I have heard that saying what feels like a millions times, I am still not sure what it means exactly), I thanked her again, and worked my way to the check outs.

While life still felt a little big a few days ago, the whole interaction seemed to put a few things in perspective for me. First, I should never really go to the store when I’m having a funky morning because I always buy the crap cereal that I know the kids shouldn’t eat, but I know I am going to eat as well.  Secondly, that the simple action of asking someone if they are okay makes the big world seem a little more personal.

Gabriel is going to be on a different dose of his medication, I sadly had to let the new dating relationship go (I will admit that I took that decision pretty hard. It was a part of my tears that morning. I really liked this person), and the cereal I bought that day is now gone. While those things don’t seem as big after taking a few days to step back from it all, I hope I have learned a few things about myself in the midst of it. I am not sure exactly what the knowledge gained is yet, but hopefully when a life situation rises that needs to pull out that lesson, I will recognize it.

But I can tell you that Lucky Charms still rock as much today as they did when I was kid, and aisle 14 gave me more than cereal that morning.

Wherever you are Eleanor, thank you.

MY Big Fat Life – Tolerance, Acceptance, Pray Away The Gay, and Facebook

In Uncategorized on November 6, 2014 at 12:20 am

Recently I was unfriended on Facebook.

Before I start to sound like a whiny teenager (soory teens, but you really do get freaked out about this stuff) I have to say this was someone I considreed a realy close friend at one time. Since unfriending on social media is the new “I don’t want to be your friend anymore” talk, of course it is going to sting a bit.

The reason why I was unfriended is what really gets me though. I had posted on someones page about my journey this past year. She (the friend) somehow took it as me saying you can *pray away the gay*. Gosh how I despise that saying. I wasn’t even saying that. In fact, I never even said that people can “pray away the gay”. However I also won’t minimize the role my faith has served in how things have changed for me this past year. But that change was between God and I, and a change in my faith, not some act of praying anything away.

See, I know how that “pray the gay away” thing works. It doesn’t. At least not in the traditional way the church teaches. I’ve been there. I have spent countless hours seeking pastoral counsel, asking for prayer at the altar, talking to people, praying for God to take the thoughts away, to remove the attraction, to not send me to hell because I couldn’t seem to control my thoughts when I saw an attractive woman, and pretty much everything else I could think of to “pray away the gay”. I know how hurtful that saying can be, and I know the damage it can do.

None of the above mentioned acts changed who I was. Of course they didn’t, because I was going through church approved actions expecting a result. I was in desparate places begging for changes, change of mind, change of desire, change of who I was. But none of those things changed who I was, and unless you have been there you can’t really understand that conflict between someone who identifies as a lesbian, and their faith. You can’t understand that pain that comes with it; the feeling that somehow God just doesn’t care and tossed you to the dogs to fight this conflict on your own. It really bothers me that someone could even think they have the right to challenge me on my own personal journey from where I have been, to where I am.

Let me set this out there right now. I don’t know where people stand in their own life. I can only say this is where I am, and my change came from a very quiet place between God and I, and I won’t deny the faith factor because it makes someone else uncomfortable or feeds into their need to define me based on their experiences.

I understand there will be people who will think I am really bi, or wasn’t even a lesbian at all because of this. But that isn’t their right. It isn’t my right to define you, and it isn’t your right to define me. I have no desire to even start to tell people how to *pray away the gay*. So please don’t point fingers and demand that people accept and tolerate you and your choices, while choosing to define and accuse me for living mine. Especially if you have never lived a majority of their life struggling with the idenity of your sexuality, and faith. You don’t get it.

Someone said it perfectly to me recently. He said ” I’ve found that intolerant people are just that. Usually in most aspects of their lives… So all you really lost I suppose is a person who thinks it’s ok to be them but it’s not ok to be you.” His words have stuck with me this past week, and made a real difference. It’s so true. In fact, it’s so perfectly said I don’t even need to elaborate.

With that, I will just leav this here. This is the song that came to my mind when I thought about writing this blog. I was going to post something else, but I came right back to this. I think it’s because I am not angry, I am more hurt than anything. I think this song perfectly reflects the place where I am writing this from. This life has too much sepration amongst us all. It would be such a bettrer place if we could somehow find a place where we respect each other for who we are, and not what we are.

Peace.

My Big Fat Life – I’m Not Gay

In Uncategorized on October 16, 2014 at 10:18 pm

This is possibly one of the most difficult blogs I have had to write.

I know this will be pretty unpopular, and I am prepared for the backlash of previous readers, but it’s something I simply need to talk about.

When I started this blog I was hurting.. really hurting.. from the break up of the relationship with my *now* ex Registered Domestic Partner. I was in a place where grief seemed pretty all consuming, and I had no doubt I was truly devastated that things didn’t work out. I also didn’t question my sexuality, because as far back as I can remember, I was attracted sexually to women. Things with men didn’t seem to *work* in a lot of ways, and things just seemed so much more natural with women.

When I was in my relationship with the ex, there was one guy I had met that I was attracted to, and it surprised me. I wasn’t sure what to do with the attraction I felt, and I put it away. The word ‘bisexual’ in the LGBT community is one that is often seen with a lot of discrimination, and prejudice. I didn’t think I was bisexual (and I don’t think I am now), but I also didn’t know what to think.

I continued to date women after the ending of that relationship. Though I wrote about those relationships from time to time, I also kept a lot of it to myself. I never really liked the idea of writing about my dating life to begin with. One, I didn’t want to make the person uncomfortable, and two.. well, I didn’t want to write about it and then when it ended have it be another failed relationship that became the focus of my writing.

When Gabriel had his surgery last year, and I was in a relationship at that time. I won’t go into details about what happened, though I know a lot of it I under a tremendous amount of stress. I was also at a cross roads in my personal life.

When you are faced with the reality of life in such a raw way, you start to ask yourself questions. You start to wonder if you are really on the right track in your own life. Maybe career, personal life, romantic relationships, friendships.. so many areas. I thought I had known who I was, what I wanted, where I wanted to be. I had plans for life, and I was trying to live out my goals the best I could.

I am not so sure anymore.

The past 6 months, I have been on some dates. All those dates were with men.

Now, please hang with me. I know some of you are automatically labeling me as a bisexual. I can almost hear my ex screaming “I knew it!” in the background (that is in no way to suggest she is actually doing so), but let me make this clear.. I do not label myself as a bisexual. In all honesty, labeling me is the least important thing about this entry.

Over this past year a lot of things have changed in my life, and one of those changes has been what I feel I desire in a relationship. I can’t explain to you exactly where and when my heart changed, but I can tell you that today.. here behind the screen of the computer.. is a woman who realized that I am not the certified, card carrying, absolute lesbian I believed I was born to be. I am a woman who doesn’t want to label herself in anyway, other than to say that I fully believe that dating women is not where I want to be anymore. It’s not where I believe I am to be anymore.

I am not sure how to even begin to talk about why I believe the changes came about without sparking some serious debate about faith, but yes.. I am a Christian. I have never hid the fact that I believe in God, and I can’t explain how these drastic changes in my very being have taken place because it’s such a personal experience. I can only tell you my experience is that I am no longer attracted to women either sexually or romantically.

So there you have it.

I’m not gay.

My Big Fat Life – The Goodbye Girl

In Uncategorized on April 24, 2014 at 9:55 pm

Lately I have been really thinking about life. A few blogs back, I talked about the things I have learned since Gabriel has gotten ill. It’s not been easy to come to terms with a lot things that I didn’t think about, allow myself to think about or even want to think about.

One of those things is love.

Lately the boys have been talking about wanting me to date, which I find completely ridiculous considering my whole life is just about the children, doctors and school. It almost feels selfish to even think about wanting something for myself right now… ever. I have a hard enough time spending money on myself for new shoes, let alone spend time with someone else.

Truth be told, I hide behind my responsibilities a lot. I wrote a blog titled Demi Moore and Orange Leisure Suits (which you can find here —> https://lesbianspaghetti.wordpress.com/2012/03/08/my-big-fat-lesbian-life-3/  ) In that blog I write “The fear of exposing my heart and it being rejected is a paralyzing thought..” and that statement is as true today, as the day I wrote it. Since writing that blog, I have faced the truth that I hide behind my responsibilities as an excuse to not think about the things I want, and what it takes to get there. It’s something I have been really struggling with. It’s kind of like, I have this space that I have kept the curtains closed to, refusing the sun it’s just and rightful task to shine through the window pane and into my room.

I have come to terms that I have spent a lot of my life being told Good Bye, when I have wanted a life full of Hello. In part I think I have put myself in those spaces, because I knew it wouldn’t amount to much at the end of the day. It’s almost as if I sought out the emotionally wounded and unavailable, because I knew it would go nowhere. It was a safe dysfunction. In fact, this whole blog was birthed from one of those very relationships.

The few times I have opened my heart, I was really wounded. The failure of those relationships almost served as confirmation that it was impossible to truly be happy or make another person happy, even though I knew it wasn’t right. Yet I allowed it to serve as reminder/excuse to shut the curtains a bit tighter when I might see a bit of sun coming through.

I am so tired of living that truth.

You might be asking where all of this is coming from. Well, recently when the boys told me they want me to start dating, I thought it was a really weird thing for them to say. The conversation took place while I was driving, and all 4 boys decided to give me their two cents on my life. They all agreed that they want to see me happy, and in love. I’ve been carrying that thought around, and then tonight I happened upon a song to a movie that I have always loved; The Goodbye Girl. If there is ever a song you listen to and think “That could have been written about me!”; This is that song for me;Only I don’t get the guy in the end.

I’m so ready for a different song to be sung. Well, I’d like to be the Goodbye Girl that finds someone who would sing these words to her, so to speak. I only hope whoever it is, is as careful with my heart as I will be with theirs.

(link to the song)

My Big Fat LIfe -The Perks of Being Me

In Uncategorized on April 15, 2014 at 3:41 pm

I’ve been waiting for doctors to talk to each other, and decide what the game plan is, since last week. I have called every day, and at times I have even spoke to the doctors themselves, who promise me they will speak to each other, and then the next time we talk.. nothing.

Today I spoke to one of the cardiologists and made it clear that I am waiting for them to hurry up and get it together, so we can get Gabriel where he needs to be. I am giving it just a couple of more days, and then I am just showing up at their office and waiting to see someone. This is ridiculous.

In the meantime, I just feel the need to write today. It’s been a pretty busy few days, and throw in the fact that my phone landed in a puddle of water today, I think I am ready for a hug and some coffee. The upside today, is that Dark Horse Comics sent a package of graphic novels to the house, as a gift, and is giving us a private tour of the campus in a few weeks. I really appreciate the extension of kindness.

I was looking over my blog last night, and read the entries from 2012. I measured where I am now, compared to where I was then, and I feel like I have changed a lot as a person. Some of it holds pretty true, though 2012 seems to be the year that I had a lot of awakenings.

I also realized it’s now been three years since I started this blog. The anniversary of it all just escaped me. Life has just moved on that much. That is really exciting to me, considering there was a time I was scared I would never be able to feel whole again. I will admit there have been times I have considered tearing down this blog. I look back at the entries of 2011, and I am just so embarrassed that I was that sad over a relationship that was really nothing more than a disaster. But then I get an email from someone else who is in that place, where I was in 2011, and I remember how much it meant to me to know all those things I felt, and how isolating they were. I don’t want others to feel alone, and I hope they read past those entries and see that life does move on. I guess I just don’t want people to read it, and judge me on who I used to be. I want people to get to know me for who I have grown into. Especially when dating is in the picture. People have the advantage of reading my life, and that is really exposing.

So I thank those who have been reading my journey these past three years. I especially wanted to thank those who sent me texts, emails, and support when I recently revealed that I am interested in dating men, in my blog “I Learned”. I was terrified to write out that truth, but I knew I needed to.

In closing this, I wanted to share a quote from a movie I have playing in the background while writing this. “We accept the love we think we deserve.” – The Perks of Being A Wallflower. Take that for what it means to you. To me, it means staying true to those things I wrote in Jan. 2013. I hope whatever it means to you, it means that you find good things from, and for, yourself.

 

 

 

 

My Big Fat Life – I Learned.

In Uncategorized on March 20, 2014 at 6:39 pm

Yesterday Gabriel had another echo to check things out, since it was his two week mark of being off of the prednisone. If we can make it a few more weeks without a flare, then his chances of having made it over the bump, may have finally arrived. I’m still holding my breath a bit, but I will be so happy to finally take a breath in and let it out. That means I haven’t unpacked the hospital bag just yet, and keep it ready to go at a moments notice.I have learned a lot about what it means to be a Mom to a child who has struggled with his health. I learned that it takes a lot out of you, but it also teaches you just how important your role as a parent is. It’s more than peanut butter smeared on the counter tops, sibling rivalry, long nights, and early mornings. It is a special place of your life that carries so much joy in the midst of the battles, where you realize the strength of your children teaches you more than any parenting book ever could, and wherever your children go you will always be as well.

Since I have been relaxing a bit, I have been reflecting on what I have taken from the last 7 months. So much has changed about me. Nothing quite shakes your life up and forces you to reevaluate every thing you stand for, other than standing by as you watch someone you love struggle as a machine breathes for them. Suddenly in that moment you are faced with every truth, every moment you let slip by, every time you didn’t bend and compromise when you should have, or bent too far and settled for less than what you wanted in this life.

In the past 44 years of my life, I have seen some pretty horrible things in people. I have been on the receiving end of their bad choices, and I am sure I have hurt people along the way myself. There have been things that happened, that reminded me that I am a lot stronger than I give myself credit for, and things that have brought me to my knees and reminded me just how weak I truly am. The past 7 months though, I learned something about myself I wasn’t expecting. I learned how that it’s okay to be weak while standing strong, and it’s cool to admit that. That opened a door for me to be honest with myself in ways I wasn’t exactly ready to embrace, but I was finding the courage to.

Let me say that something I always prefer not to do, is write about the people I date. I have been asked in the past to write something, or share, but there is always this apprehension. If the relationship fails it’s just documentation of your failures. Once the words are out there, there is not taking them back. You can erase them, you can hide them, you pretend you never wrote them…. but there they are. I don’t like people knowing my secret spaces, thoughts, fears or failures. It’s always kept me a safe distance, and provide an easy escape if things go awry. On the other side of that, I don’t like talking about the break ups for the same reasons. It’s just another documentation of a failure, and heaven knows none of us need that. After all, this whole blog was birthed from a failed relationship. Who needs more evidence that love is difficult? Having said that, I am pretty sure that you have been able to gather from previous posts, that my last relationship didn’t survive the process of my sons surgery and subsequent illness over the last 7 months.

When Gabriel was sick, I stayed with him the hospital every moment of every day. When I wasn’t watching him take every single breath, and keep my eyes on the monitors, I was faced with some hard truths about me. One of those things that would forever change me as a person, is that I have a much different view on what love looks like than I used to. I used to think it was all about compromise and giving in, rather than giving up. God, I am so sick of giving in. For all of the people I have allowed into my life, and compromised for in the name of love, I spent a tremendous amount of time settling for what someone else wanted, rather than what I needed. I learned what I need is consideration. I do not want to be smothered, I don’t want to be ignored. I simply want to be the balance of being considered. There is a lot of power in that realization. This extends beyond romantic relationships. It defines so many levels of communication I share with others. Yes, life is compromise. When the cost is yourself though, that’s one hell of a price tag.

I learned that there is nothing more important than the people you can be yourself around, and still love you. I learned that it’s okay to cry and want to be held quietly. I learned it’s okay to say “no” and hold to it. I learned it is okay to say “yes” and that follow through with action is just as important as the word itself. I learned to not stress over the little battles and to pick up only the big ones. I learned to smile more, and that life is really more worthy to spend with joy in your heart if you can find it. If you find something, or someone, that makes you smile.. go for it. I learned to talk to people more. I learned to hug strangers that are family in the walk. I learned that for someone who loves words, touch is the most affirming and comforting expression to me. I learned that grief can teach you more about love and life, than a single person. I learned that consideration is not the same as smothering someone with attention. In light of that, I learned I don’t like to be smothered with attention. I learned that hope is a four letter word that can provoke anxiety. I learned that instead of hoping for the best, to just live in the now and take the changes as they come while hoping they change. I learned if circumstances don’t change, I can.

 

Most importantly I learned that life is here and now. It’s not planning for 15 years from now, not for a month from now. It is right now. I don’t want to spend the last moments of my life on this earth regretting the ways I wasted my time, or the risks not taken. I don’t want to lose another moment of being afraid of what could happen, and just embracing what is set in front of me. Having said that, I also learned to not be afraid of some changes I found myself experiencing. I learned that in those moments of facing myself, that I am attracted to men and I am learning more about what that means to me.

I also just learned how scary that was to tell you that.