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Posts Tagged ‘Demi Moore’

My Big Fat Life – The Goodbye Girl

In Uncategorized on April 24, 2014 at 9:55 pm

Lately I have been really thinking about life. A few blogs back, I talked about the things I have learned since Gabriel has gotten ill. It’s not been easy to come to terms with a lot things that I didn’t think about, allow myself to think about or even want to think about.

One of those things is love.

Lately the boys have been talking about wanting me to date, which I find completely ridiculous considering my whole life is just about the children, doctors and school. It almost feels selfish to even think about wanting something for myself right now… ever. I have a hard enough time spending money on myself for new shoes, let alone spend time with someone else.

Truth be told, I hide behind my responsibilities a lot. I wrote a blog titled Demi Moore and Orange Leisure Suits (which you can find here —> https://lesbianspaghetti.wordpress.com/2012/03/08/my-big-fat-lesbian-life-3/  ) In that blog I write “The fear of exposing my heart and it being rejected is a paralyzing thought..” and that statement is as true today, as the day I wrote it. Since writing that blog, I have faced the truth that I hide behind my responsibilities as an excuse to not think about the things I want, and what it takes to get there. It’s something I have been really struggling with. It’s kind of like, I have this space that I have kept the curtains closed to, refusing the sun it’s just and rightful task to shine through the window pane and into my room.

I have come to terms that I have spent a lot of my life being told Good Bye, when I have wanted a life full of Hello. In part I think I have put myself in those spaces, because I knew it wouldn’t amount to much at the end of the day. It’s almost as if I sought out the emotionally wounded and unavailable, because I knew it would go nowhere. It was a safe dysfunction. In fact, this whole blog was birthed from one of those very relationships.

The few times I have opened my heart, I was really wounded. The failure of those relationships almost served as confirmation that it was impossible to truly be happy or make another person happy, even though I knew it wasn’t right. Yet I allowed it to serve as reminder/excuse to shut the curtains a bit tighter when I might see a bit of sun coming through.

I am so tired of living that truth.

You might be asking where all of this is coming from. Well, recently when the boys told me they want me to start dating, I thought it was a really weird thing for them to say. The conversation took place while I was driving, and all 4 boys decided to give me their two cents on my life. They all agreed that they want to see me happy, and in love. I’ve been carrying that thought around, and then tonight I happened upon a song to a movie that I have always loved; The Goodbye Girl. If there is ever a song you listen to and think “That could have been written about me!”; This is that song for me;Only I don’t get the guy in the end.

I’m so ready for a different song to be sung. Well, I’d like to be the Goodbye Girl that finds someone who would sing these words to her, so to speak. I only hope whoever it is, is as careful with my heart as I will be with theirs.

(link to the song)

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My Big Fat Lesbian Life – Demi Moore and Orange Leisure Suits

In Uncategorized on March 8, 2012 at 2:33 pm

I’m going to be blunt, I’m PMSing.

TMI … I know.

My body can’t decide if it’s on, or off.

I get pretty out of sync with things when my body argues with me. I’m that girl that’s dancing to a song, always moving two beats behind while wearing a neon orange leisure suit on the dance floor.

Of course my emotions get all mushy sensitive and I cry over puppy food commercials while devouring chocolate at the speed not quite determined by scientists. Toss in the neon orange leisure suit and I’m a cycle away from a one woman stand up comedy just waiting to self combust.

I’ve been feeling deep about some things. I guess it all started when I read a quote by Demi Moore. Having been recently separated she gave an interview and goes on to say..

“What scares me is that I’m going to ultimately find out at the end of my life that I’m really not lovable, that I’m not worthy of being loved. That there’s something fundamentally wrong with me.” – Demi Moore

What a big thing to say, but what an honest thing to say.

Demi said something I am sure many of us have thought about before and felt from time to time. It’s something we tend to ask ourselves at the tail end of a break-up or a drought in our personal lives as we move from place to place in our hearts, seeking that soft place to fall. However, it’s something that I have been struggling with for quite some time.

I’m sure it all goes back to my childhood, but I’ll spare the long detailed accounts. The result has been that which Demi speaks of, I get it. I completely relate. Yes, I am scared that maybe I am unlovable.

I haven’t had horrible relationships in my life, save for two notable experiences where I’ve allowed the wrong person into my world. Other than that, I’ve been pretty lucky. The recurring theme in all of my past relationship experiences, is that I’m always three sprints short of the finish line and those relationships were not going to go anywhere other than exactly where they went… nowhere.

I could blame Hollywood for the years of movies I grew up watching, conditioning me to believe that someday someone would find me moving enough to stand outside my window with a boom box or a full orchestra to win my heart (though it still is a romantic thought).

In part I’m sure it’s because I’ve always been afraid to step out of the fear of rejection that’s been my shield. It’s saved me from a lot of hurt, I’m sure. Though obviously it didn’t keep me from feeling the pangs of the remnant of a failed marriage that never should have happened in the first place. The fear of exposing my heart and it being rejected is a paralyzing thought, though I’ve been taking that risk hoping it will be different. At my age I am finding risks are sometimes better taken than not. I don’t want to be that woman that is 80 years old, thinking about all the chances I had in front of me and didn’t chose to take them because I was afraid. Though at the same time my fear echoes the words that Demi shared, and perhaps I will find myself an 80 year old woman having graduated from the orange leisure suit to wearing purple (please note reference to the poem When I Am Old, I Shall Wear Purple). I really hope not.

Either way, I refuse to be the crazy cat lady.

http://youtu.be/-j379JbL-xM

My Big Fat Lesbian Life – .

In 2012, blog, cancer, Edgefield McMenamins, encouragement, equality, Flowers, gay, God, grief, healing, health, homosexuality, Jell-O, kisses, Laughing stars, lgbt, LGBTQ, Life, Love, military, Oregon, people, pictures, Portland Oregon, Questions, Rain, Relationships, religion, sex, single, stress, Troutdale Oregon, Writing on March 4, 2012 at 9:40 pm

It’s been quite a week.

 

That’s all I got.