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My Big Fat Lesbian Life – I Need Your Prayers.

In Uncategorized on June 30, 2013 at 6:20 pm

I was going to write when my oldest son arrived home, and tell you about how he finally made it home out of the Wounded Warriors Battalion. I wanted to write you and tell you all about how things are gong good, and I was looking forward to a summer of just trying to have fun with my family.

Instead I am writing to ask you to please pray for my family.

This past week, I took my children to Doernbechers Childrens Hospital for some appointments we needed to finish up, so we could just focus on summer instead of doctors. Three of my children have a range of disabilities, and we spend a lot of time with specialists. The very last appointment of the day was an echo cardiogram for my 12 year old son (he would want me to point out he is almost 13). I wasn’t expecting anything but a clean test result. However the test revealed my son has a rare, and very serious heart defect. He is scheduled to have open heart surgery next week. As I understand it, the doctors have only seen about 20 children with this defect and that adds to my worry. I am nervous, terrified, trying to find my logic through the emotion and more than anything I need the love, support and prayers for my son, Gabriel. 

There is so much more I will share when I find my words. Right now, I am having a difficult time putting into words all the things I am feeling. Right now the most important words I can share, are to ask that you please pray for my child.

Thank you..

 

 

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My Big Fat lesbian Life – Valerie Harper, Cancer & My Son Is Coming Home Today.

In Uncategorized on March 7, 2013 at 2:50 pm

Today is March 7th 2013 and today is the day that my son will be home. It’s been a little over two years, a cancer diagnosis, 5 surgeries and heaps of tears since I have laid my eyes on that kid last.

He spent the week competing in the Warriors Games Trials in California. Last night, the Marines took the gold in wheelchair basketball. I am so proud of him being a part of something that can show him that life can move on, even if it’s not the original direction in which he thought he would be going.

Today I read about the sad news of Valerie Harper, and her diagnosis. It seems so sad to me that cancer has to be such a part of our lives. If we don’t know someone who has it, we certainly have heard of those impacted by it. It touches too much. It pisses me off. As I read the news, I happened upon her People Magazine article in which she says “Don’t miss your life”. I read that and thought about all of the things I do in a day that I whine about, and yet have to do (like laundry and dishes). If my sons cancer has taught me anything, it is to appreciate that I am even alive to do the laundry and dishes. Yet I seem to be so exhausted by the end of the day and I feel only productive, if nothing else. I sometimes wonder if I am thankful enough, or if I am just so busy thinking I have to do everything, that I am afraid to leave the dishes in the sink and let the unfolded laundry go so I can just walk out the door and enjoy the sound of birds or visit a place I have wanted to experience. I sometimes wonder I am so thankful to be alive, that I am so busy doing everything I think I need to do, that I am forgetting to enjoy the things I can do. I stand in reflection of the things I need to adjust to keep moving forward with the most vibrant and productive self I can be. I need to not only learn to let my life me a productive one, I need to let it be a celebrating one. This life is such a gift.

My heart goes out to Valerie Harper and her family. I know they have a journey ahead of them, that isn’t easy. It’s full of too many lessons in a short amount of time. I am sure I am amongst many who were touched when we read of her diagnosis. I grew up watching her show, and as an adult I have watched the reruns. What I didn’t understand as a child, I certainly understood more as I grew. I think above an appreciation of her work, I will carry with me the words that I needed to read this morning. They spoke to me. As a single Mom with adult children, and children still at home (3 of which have disabilities), I really did need to read those words this morning. Not just for myself, but to teach my children.  I pray her family has the strength and peace they need to face the goodbye and embrace the legacy she leaves. As for myself, In a few short hours I will finally embrace my son and say hello. It seems so weird how life can bring such opposite acts, that can produce the same lessons.

If you follow me on Facebook (My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce), I will be posting photos tomorrow. Until then, be safe and happy and above all else…. live, and don’t miss it.

My Big Fat Lesbian Life – Demi Moore and Orange Leisure Suits

In Uncategorized on March 8, 2012 at 2:33 pm

I’m going to be blunt, I’m PMSing.

TMI … I know.

My body can’t decide if it’s on, or off.

I get pretty out of sync with things when my body argues with me. I’m that girl that’s dancing to a song, always moving two beats behind while wearing a neon orange leisure suit on the dance floor.

Of course my emotions get all mushy sensitive and I cry over puppy food commercials while devouring chocolate at the speed not quite determined by scientists. Toss in the neon orange leisure suit and I’m a cycle away from a one woman stand up comedy just waiting to self combust.

I’ve been feeling deep about some things. I guess it all started when I read a quote by Demi Moore. Having been recently separated she gave an interview and goes on to say..

“What scares me is that I’m going to ultimately find out at the end of my life that I’m really not lovable, that I’m not worthy of being loved. That there’s something fundamentally wrong with me.” – Demi Moore

What a big thing to say, but what an honest thing to say.

Demi said something I am sure many of us have thought about before and felt from time to time. It’s something we tend to ask ourselves at the tail end of a break-up or a drought in our personal lives as we move from place to place in our hearts, seeking that soft place to fall. However, it’s something that I have been struggling with for quite some time.

I’m sure it all goes back to my childhood, but I’ll spare the long detailed accounts. The result has been that which Demi speaks of, I get it. I completely relate. Yes, I am scared that maybe I am unlovable.

I haven’t had horrible relationships in my life, save for two notable experiences where I’ve allowed the wrong person into my world. Other than that, I’ve been pretty lucky. The recurring theme in all of my past relationship experiences, is that I’m always three sprints short of the finish line and those relationships were not going to go anywhere other than exactly where they went… nowhere.

I could blame Hollywood for the years of movies I grew up watching, conditioning me to believe that someday someone would find me moving enough to stand outside my window with a boom box or a full orchestra to win my heart (though it still is a romantic thought).

In part I’m sure it’s because I’ve always been afraid to step out of the fear of rejection that’s been my shield. It’s saved me from a lot of hurt, I’m sure. Though obviously it didn’t keep me from feeling the pangs of the remnant of a failed marriage that never should have happened in the first place. The fear of exposing my heart and it being rejected is a paralyzing thought, though I’ve been taking that risk hoping it will be different. At my age I am finding risks are sometimes better taken than not. I don’t want to be that woman that is 80 years old, thinking about all the chances I had in front of me and didn’t chose to take them because I was afraid. Though at the same time my fear echoes the words that Demi shared, and perhaps I will find myself an 80 year old woman having graduated from the orange leisure suit to wearing purple (please note reference to the poem When I Am Old, I Shall Wear Purple). I really hope not.

Either way, I refuse to be the crazy cat lady.

http://youtu.be/-j379JbL-xM