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Posts Tagged ‘hug’

My Big Fat LIfe -The Perks of Being Me

In Uncategorized on April 15, 2014 at 3:41 pm

I’ve been waiting for doctors to talk to each other, and decide what the game plan is, since last week. I have called every day, and at times I have even spoke to the doctors themselves, who promise me they will speak to each other, and then the next time we talk.. nothing.

Today I spoke to one of the cardiologists and made it clear that I am waiting for them to hurry up and get it together, so we can get Gabriel where he needs to be. I am giving it just a couple of more days, and then I am just showing up at their office and waiting to see someone. This is ridiculous.

In the meantime, I just feel the need to write today. It’s been a pretty busy few days, and throw in the fact that my phone landed in a puddle of water today, I think I am ready for a hug and some coffee. The upside today, is that Dark Horse Comics sent a package of graphic novels to the house, as a gift, and is giving us a private tour of the campus in a few weeks. I really appreciate the extension of kindness.

I was looking over my blog last night, and read the entries from 2012. I measured where I am now, compared to where I was then, and I feel like I have changed a lot as a person. Some of it holds pretty true, though 2012 seems to be the year that I had a lot of awakenings.

I also realized it’s now been three years since I started this blog. The anniversary of it all just escaped me. Life has just moved on that much. That is really exciting to me, considering there was a time I was scared I would never be able to feel whole again. I will admit there have been times I have considered tearing down this blog. I look back at the entries of 2011, and I am just so embarrassed that I was that sad over a relationship that was really nothing more than a disaster. But then I get an email from someone else who is in that place, where I was in 2011, and I remember how much it meant to me to know all those things I felt, and how isolating they were. I don’t want others to feel alone, and I hope they read past those entries and see that life does move on. I guess I just don’t want people to read it, and judge me on who I used to be. I want people to get to know me for who I have grown into. Especially when dating is in the picture. People have the advantage of reading my life, and that is really exposing.

So I thank those who have been reading my journey these past three years. I especially wanted to thank those who sent me texts, emails, and support when I recently revealed that I am interested in dating men, in my blog “I Learned”. I was terrified to write out that truth, but I knew I needed to.

In closing this, I wanted to share a quote from a movie I have playing in the background while writing this. “We accept the love we think we deserve.” – The Perks of Being A Wallflower. Take that for what it means to you. To me, it means staying true to those things I wrote in Jan. 2013. I hope whatever it means to you, it means that you find good things from, and for, yourself.

 

 

 

 

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My Big Fat Lesbian Life – His Heart

In Uncategorized on August 15, 2013 at 10:29 pm

I’m writing this from a hospital room where I have been for a week now.

Gabriel had open heart surgery a week ago. The surgery went smoothly, but the recovery has been really difficult to watch, as a parent.

When we arrived for surgery, I was so anxious. My son was going to have surgery and I needed to trust his life to people I barely know (which, is actually why the surgery didn’t happen sooner. I’ll share more after he’s home, but I decided not to have the hospital who diagnosed the defect do the procedure). I was actually able to stay with him and walk the halls all the way until they wheeled him into the operating room area. I watched them past the doors until they were no longer in view. Noting can describe the feeling I had at that moment. Nothing. So I won’t even try.

I made my way to the family waiting area, where I proceeded to hold his clothing he’d worn to the hospy that morning, in my lap. I kid you not, the moment the surgeon came to tell me the surgery went well, I wanted to hug him (and I did).

I was able to see him after they’d situated him in the ICU. He was asleep and on a ventilator. The relief of knowing the surgery went well, collided with the stark truth he needed a machine to breathe for him. Tubes everywhere. My little dude was just there, sleeping, and unable to breathe on his own. I stayed by his side, refusing to move from the chair, because even 1 foot away seemed too far away. It’s the utmost feeling of helplessness to see my child in such a state, and lack all capability to help him.

When Gabriel finally started to wake up, the look in his eyes of realizing he had tubes breathing for him, was so wrenching. He laid there unable to talk, trying to signal to me that he wanted the tubes out. Out of instinct I handed him my cell phone and told him to text me. He texted he felt like he was suffocating and couldn’t breathe. I had to try to assure him that the machine was breathing for him and he’d be okay, but then he started coughing and choking on the phlegm that was accumulating in his throat and tubes. His eyes wide, and there was nothing I could do. At one point he started throwing up while on the ventilator, sending me into the hallway screaming for help. After he had been on the ventilator for a day, my rock star son grabbed the suctioning wand from the nurse and did it himself. I think he was tired of feeling like they weren’t getting it all out of his mouth.

So fast forward from those terrifying first 48 hours (they really are)… Gabriel still has fluid around his heart. He has two JP tubes emerging from his abdominal wall to drain the fluid from around his heart, and two pleural caths, one from each lung. They started him on steroids yesterday, in hopes it will start to dry things up. It has a bit, but not enough to remove the tubes. It’s scary. It’s a reminder that we may have taken some big leaps, but we’re not out of the woods. I haven’t left his side yet, and I honestly don’t think I can. I’d rather spend all the time he needs to up here, if it means that when we go home we can go with the peace of mind that the fluid is where it needs to be. I’m still worried. I really want my son to be okay.

My Big Fat Lesbian Life – .

In 2012, blog, cancer, Edgefield McMenamins, encouragement, equality, Flowers, gay, God, grief, healing, health, homosexuality, Jell-O, kisses, Laughing stars, lgbt, LGBTQ, Life, Love, military, Oregon, people, pictures, Portland Oregon, Questions, Rain, Relationships, religion, sex, single, stress, Troutdale Oregon, Writing on March 4, 2012 at 9:40 pm

It’s been quite a week.

 

That’s all I got.