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Posts Tagged ‘Joy’

My Big Fat Life – Mariah Carey Just Verbally Hugged Me

In Uncategorized on March 4, 2014 at 9:01 pm

This is my third attempt to write an entry. Each time I sit down to say something I just stop cold. I don’t know why it feels so vulnerable to write tonight, but it does.

Gabriel saw the cardiologist recently, and he says the repair is perfect. I guess it takes 6 months to be able to tell for certain, and Gabriel has passed that benchmark.

Today was his last dose of the prednisone. I am so happy yet so scared. I am happy that he has tolerated this long round, and has seemed to come off the taper well. The true test will be over the next few weeks. I am praying this goes without incident, and perhaps we are finally heading in the right direction.

I am holding to that hope with one hand, and completely terrified to let go of the security of this medication at the same time, with the other. It’s kept him healthy and I like having my son smile again. It’s so nice to see him full of life. It does my spirit such wonderful things. Yet tonight, right now in this very moment, I want to be held. I would love to be gently consoled that things are going to be okay. I’ve been fighting back the tears all day, because as much as I have been hoping for this day, I have been dreading it at the same time. It’s like letting go of the edge of the boat after being tossed from it, to see if  you can swim after all.

Maybe that is why I feel so vulnerable in writing tonight. I feel so naked at this moment. I feel stripped of certainty, and I need clothed with reassurance. But here I am on a Tuesday night, the boys in bed, and I am trying to find a way to pull it from within myself to just keep going on when I would rather throw myself on the couch, cover my head with a blanket, and demand that the world stop for just a moment until I get my reserve. If only blankets could hug, I think I would probably not emerge from my bed until the sun broke the morning.

So weird as I write this, the song Hero by Mariah Carey just came through my speakers. I’d like to think the timing of the song has meaning. I do not by any means think I am a hero of any sort, but the lyrics are a bit of a verbal hug and heaven knows I will take what I can tonight.

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My Big Fat Life – Life

In Uncategorized on October 26, 2013 at 7:57 pm

Dear Life,

I would really appreciate it if you would just slow your shit down for a moment, and let’s take this one situation at a time, okay?

Sincerely,

Someone who really is only one person

I don’t know if life got that memo, but it’s ignoring me if it did.

There is so much going on. I don’t even know where to start.

G:  He took the last of his medication recently, and we are waiting to see the cardiologist for a follow up echocardiogram. I am holding to love right now, and believing that this last round of medications is all he needed to get past the healing process.

It’s really forever changed my life, having G get so sick after his operation. It forever changed me, just seeing my son in ICU and just watching go through the healing process. In some ways it has changed me for the better, and I am certain there are people who will tell you it has also changed me in ways that they don’t like. For one, I am emotionally over spent a lot of the time. Most of my time is trying to manage the day to day concerns I have, and still trying to find that coveted time to myself that everyone tells me to take, but no one likes when I do. I don’t mind that I don’t really have time to myself. Children grow way too fast, and heaven knows I am so happy I have those babies in my life. Some time to decompress and not always being on heightened alert, would help though. Maybe some time to just listen to my thoughts and work through them, than always trying to drown them out because I feel so overwhelmed the moment my mind starts talking. Yeah, that would be a really nice thing.

Then there is the Avonte Oquendo case. Can we say terrifying? I can’t tell you how many times I have gone to the news to check for updates and see how things are going. It’s not that he is just a missing child, he is a missing child with Autism. I have a child with Autism. It’s a terrifying thought that any of our children be in a place they can’t fend for themselves. My heart goes out to his family, and I want him found yesterday. Weeks ago. Moments within him running out of that school.

Things at my sons school isn’t going so well, and it’s come to my attention they aren’t following his IEP again. Not really a big surprise, yet now they are violating it in ways that put his safety in jeopardy. I am not even sure which way to turn to get things taken care of, yet I can’t ignore it. I won’t ignore it. I need to make as many calls on Monday as I possibly can, and hopefully someone can help. If there is no one, I may have to start looking at homeschooling my son. It is something I am prepared to consider and ready to do, but I would really prefer to have him have access to the services he has a right to. I want him to grow and learn in a setting that helps him socialize and develop life skills to help him through his life. Yet if the school can’t keep him safe, I don’t have a choice.

I can’t afford an attorney, before anyone suggests. It’s sad, that it costs so much money just to advocate and have people do the right thing.

I feel disjointed somehow. I can’t even put a finger on it. Maybe it is because I feel like I am being pulled in a million different directions and I only have two hands. Sometimes I have to vision a pile of laundry sitting in the middle of my room, and the only way I can start to fold it, is to begin with the shirt on the top. I am trying to list the things of great importance, yet they are all things of great importance. Instead I try to count my blessings, because there are so many. I know there are. I have so much to be thankful for, they aren’t cancelled out by the fires I need to put out. I would just love to put a fire out and have not sit and smolder, just waiting to start burning again the moment I get the next one under control.

Perhaps this is just life, and I know it’s no different for me than it is for others. I just need to feel like I am getting a handle on things, before another things comes along. I was really thrown off when I heard Gabriel needed surgery, and I haven’t been able to find my balance since. Just writing this all out feels scattered, yet I know I writing it out helps. It is supposed to help. Okay, it does help.

In lighter news, as I write this, I look down and I see a toy giraffe that the boys used paper towels and tape to make a set of pajamas for. It’s things like this, that make me smile and feel full of hope. A simple act of childhood that they will most likely not recall when they are 24, and the fact they are just so funny and full of imagination, inspires me.

I am not sure how to end the blog tonight. It’s just such a rambling mess that I should probably leave it as awkward as I came into it.

Narf.

My Big Fat Lesbian Life – Warm Blankets & Pizza

In Uncategorized on February 24, 2013 at 5:51 pm

My life is so nice right now. It’s like a big warm blanket on a cold morning. I don’t want to emerge from it, even to pee. Well, maybe to pee. But I’d run really fast to the bathroom, so I could quickly jump under the warmth of my big ol’ blanket.

My son had another biopsy to remove a growth under his tongue, of all places. I didn’t want to say anything about it, until we heard the results this time. The up and downs. the stress and the worry, is sometimes more than I feel I can handle. I am happy I have God to help me through it all. My relationship with Him is a lot like that big warm blanket. Emerging to deal with my day to day needs, can be a cold reality at times, but I know I have the warmth of Him when I really don’t feel like I can carry the worry I have over any of my children. Which, I do a lot of. The biopsy came back negative, and it turns out it was another cyst. I am so happy for that kid. I am so happy for my heart. I am just so happy, that to add a cake to the whole mix he is coming home the first week of March, for a visit. This will be the first time I have seen him since his diagnosis, and 5 surgeries later. He is sending me his schedule, so I know it is real this time. The Marines aren’t keeping him for an appointment, he has specific leave off and there is nothing they can do about it. My son is actually going to be here for a visit. I am so happy.

So the summary for my recent week is: My son had his second clean pathology report, my son is coming home in just a bit, and I have an amazing girlfriend.

There shall be cake, there shall be joy and there shall definitely be pizza.

 

My Big Fat Lesbian Life – Wide Awake

In Blog, blogging, Break-up, C.S. Lewis, christian, communication, connection, dating, equality, gay, God, healing, Lesbian Relationships, LGBTQ, Life, Love, Oregon, Portland, relationships, Relationships, respect, sex, single, Uncategorized, women, Writing on January 15, 2013 at 12:14 am

I will open this with a hard truth.

Recently a friend of mine, Lisa Mae, asked me a very honest question during a conversation, as she listened to my latest mess of a dating situation where I had to break off yet another disaster. She asked me “Aren’t you tired of telling the same story?”

Yes. Very much so actually.

In my recent awakening that I have an incredible tolerance for bullshit (see previous blog titled “Bullshit”) I have been far less tolerant of the bullshit, much quicker. While it is awesome, it also really makes dating a challenge. Because people are just full of all sorts of crap that they haven’t dealt with. Her question reveled something to me quite honestly that I need to deal with. I want to write a new story.I had to think about what that means to me.

What it means to me is taking a new step. My first step.. I have decided to change my complete outlook on how dating will be.  I want to change my story in a lot of ways, and it starts with me. While I have a new lower tolerance for bullshit, it makes no sense to keep putting myself into situations where I give space to people I find in a matter of time, I have to walk away from. It’s empowering to walk away, but it also gets very lonely.

So how will dating look? I want to spend time getting to know someone. I want to bring back the lost art of conversation. The kind of conversations that don’t have sentences like “Hey, want to move in?”, “Let’s buy a puppy together.” and the ever so popular “Who’s paying for the U-Haul?” (add side conversations regarding bubble wrap and trailer hitches).

Since my proclaimed change, I have been asked a lot of about what it is I am looking for in another person. I think I have attacked this question in another blog, but I also think my thoughts may have changed (I hope at least matured) since. There are some things that of course, always evolve. These are the things though, that I have found over the past two years, that have come to mean the most to me as a woman.

1.) I need someone who is whole. By this I don’t mean someone who has never lived. I mean someone who has closure in their life. No open doors to the past that keep shades of light flooding into their space. No hauntings of ex partners they haven’t made closure on. I NEED to know that there is space for me in their life. I don’t want to share that space trying to compete with the memory, or emotions of someone else. I am an amazing woman. I deserve nothing less this time.

2.) I need someone who can deal with their own shit (pardon the language).  I need someone who has the ability to handle their own affairs, and does it well. I want to be there to support them in the way a partner should. I don’t want to be a treated as nothing more than a personal assistant.

3.) I need someone who has room for me. I want to be the only woman who is in their life. I want a life partner, not someone to just fill my time, but to share life with. I am not talking about every single moment of every single day. I need them to have outside interests and something separate from me, but I don’t want to worry if they are the type to not keep boundaries with others, for me.. us. I want someone I can build security with, and build trust. That is something that a lot of people don’t get either. I am not paranoid that everyone is a cheater or a manipulator, but trust is built. It is not just given. The floor to build trust on, is security. Make a woman feel secure, and she will trust you. It’s a two way street though.

4.) I want to be able to openly communicate and feel heard. I want to be able to talk to my partner when something isn’t working, and not be met with resentment. I want to give that to my partner as well. Respectfully talk, respectfully listen, respectfully react. I want someone who is able to take personal responsibility and work through something with a resolution, instead of trying to make me feel my response is just wrong and avoid having to take personal responsibility for anything. Ever have someone tell you “Well, it’s your fault. You are just insecure, get over it.” ? Well guess what? Sometimes, we do stupid things to make our partners feel insecure. If we are unable to take personal responsibility, we are not ready to take on the responsibility of being the lover of our partners heart.

5.) I want passion. I know romantic love comes and goes, I have always know that. Though passion is something I want to always work on. Not just the sexual, but conversationally. Mentally. I want someone who can mentally stimulate me. Teach me something I don’t know. Share new things with me. Music, books, literature, spiritual… Something that makes me feel alive. I have to admit, there is something about a mind that drives me wild. Share music with me, and I swoon. Music that is strong, alive with meaning and depth. Someone who can connect to those things, *sigh*.. yeah. Explore me with your mind, before  your hands.

6.) A sense of spirituality. It doesn’t have to be the same as mine, but a mutual respect of my faith, as I respect theirs. There is something to be drawn from each other when you share faith.

7.) Do not try to rescue me. I do not need rescued. I do not need a Prince riding in on a horse. Horses freak me out anyways. Just someone who can stroll in and share a stellar conversation. I want to walk next to someone and be a team. Someone I can depend on, and someone who can depend on me.

8.) I want to meet someone who wants to get to know me, just as much as I want to get to know them. Someone who will ask me questions about the person I am, and show interest in getting to know who I am. I always ask questions, and start conversation. I would love it if someone took the time to show me that I am worth getting to know, as well.

That is a good start to explain what it is I want. I almost venture to say need. I’ve compromised a few of these things from time to time, and well.. how has that worked out for me so far? Yeah, I know that no one is perfect. I am not looking for perfection. I am just looking to be true to those things that I know I have longed for.  Those things I know that move me, as a woman. I know I have compromised these things in the past, to not even be met half way. It doesn’t feel good to have people rush in, take what they want and leave the rest. It’s like allowing yourself to be an emotional clearance sale, opening the doors, and allowing people to just pull off what they want, and leave.

No more emotional clearance sales.

I’m just so much more worthy than being last seasons trend.

 

*Insert Wide Awake by Katy Perry. I couldn’t pick a more perfect song for this entry.

My Big Fat Lesbian Life – Short

In Uncategorized on September 23, 2012 at 9:54 am

My son is back state side!

FINALLY!

He is currently undergoing the medical discharge process, and that takes awhile (I don’t fully understand it) but he’s that much closer to being home for good. But…

I’ll get to see him before his discharge because he’s coming home for Christmas!!!

Yay!

My Big Fat Lesbian Life – Amazing What A Towel Can Do

In Uncategorized on May 8, 2012 at 11:04 pm

This might seem a bit crazy, but if you’ve ever endured the separation of property during a break up, you’ll completely understand my excitement.

I bought a paring knife.

It’s dawned on me that I no longer really have the small essentials that I used to have, before the marriage. I had some credit at The Kitchen Collection, and decided it was time to use it up. I’ve been doing a lot more cooking and trying out new recipes, and keep finding that the things I go to use, simply aren’t there anymore. I still need to get more pans, but that is going to be a month by month thing when the finances will allow. I have my eye on a set, but at 500.00 it’s not likely I will be able to purchase them anytime soon. Besides, storage space is pretty limited in my apartment. However, I do have room for a paring knife, so I picked one up while I was out.

I left the store feeling somewhat complete with my new paring knife and cutting board in tow. It almost felt a little like Christmas in May.

One thing I haven’t replaced by intention, is the microwave. I personally never used one much before I met her, so it wasn’t a deep loss to me when she took it. I guess thinking back I did replace it, but only for about a week or so. It sat on my counter virtually unused and I didn’t see a need to keep it sitting on the counter, so I took it back. But since then, I haven’t missed it and I have no intent to purchase another one anytime soon. I think I heated water a couple of times. I don’t need a 60.00 cup of heated water that bad.

It’s taken a year to rebuild some of the things that disappeared, but it’s the small things that have been the most exciting to me to gain. I think I literally smiled all the way home the day I bought new towels, handtowels and a lamp.

One thing I would love to get is a new bed. That stupid bed still sits in the room and I really just don’t like it. I want something that is my own. Something that is more my style and more my comfort. When that day comes, I am sure I will be smiling for weeks. Perhaps even sleeping in a bed again.

But for now, I will have perfectly peeled apples. That’s something to celebrate.

My Big Fat Lesbian Life – 1 year

In Uncategorized on April 4, 2012 at 2:00 pm

Today marks 1 year since I asked my now ex-wife to leave. 3 days later, I would begin writing this blog.

For those of you who have been following my journey since that first blog, you’ve witnessed my healing as its unfolded from my heart to your eyes. It’s been an amazing, though difficult, journey at times.

I read my first post again tonight. I remember writing it as I laid on the floor of the living room ( I couldn’t bring myself to sleep in the bed ) trying to make my mind stop racing as the tears flowed. Today there is no tears.

I still don’t sleep in the bed, but for much different reasons than before. It used to be because I missed her, but now it’s because with clarity I can see just what awful experiences took place in that thing. I am working towards buying a new bed that’s mine.

Here’s what the past year has brought me:

– My son was diagnosed with cancer. As of this moment, he is cancer free.

– I went sailing along the Willamette at sunset.

– I saw Ray Lamontange sing one of my favorite songs.

– I hiked up Beaver Rock. It was not my cup of tea, but I can say I did it.

– My friends reached out and touched my family with their generosity of love and bought us a van. They sent art work that meant something, for our home. They listened, they loved and everyday I am thankful for all they’ve done.

– I have grown as a woman, and have allowed the healing to bring more joy into my life instead of making me “stuck” in defeat.

– I’ve learned more about what it is I’m seeking in life, and setting standards. I just simply will not allow myself to be treated with such disregard again. I know I’m deserving of respect,
kindness and consideration.

– While a couple of blogs back I openly admitted my struggle of wondering if I am loveable or not, I know I am. Perhaps those years of being around reckless people was self sabotaging, because emotionally I was protecting myself from allowing people close. Who really knows… The thing that matters now, is that I know I am loveable because I know my heart.

– I stood strong this past year. I made life in a new city work, even though the person I moved for (never, ever again) didn’t. I learned a lot, but my children and I did it!

– The Leaky Roof Restaurant will hold its own special place in my heart for years to come. I first ate there this past year, and If you ever visit Portland Oregon, I highly recommend you make it a point to eat there.

There’s a lot more, of course. My life this past year has seen people come and go, saying Good-Bye to my friend Aaron, making resolution in my heart considering my Mother and saying Hello to myself.

I can look back a year later and thank God that I got out of that marriage. Otherwise I’d be writing a much different story, and probably not one of many victories. That’s not to say my tears were in vain, because every tear brought me that much closer to healing and growth. I feel free, liberated, excited.. I didn’t sit idle paralyzed by fear or grief. Instead I faced it, I found joy and I created peace. I moved on, instead of waiting for time to move me all on its own.

Yeah, I’m a pretty kick ass woman.

*tossing confetti and releasing balloons*

Happy Anniversary To Me!!!

Today, I am one year better.

My Big Fat Lesbian Life – The Dr Called My Son

In Blog, cancer, children, Uncategorized on April 2, 2012 at 8:39 pm

….and pathology report is…

NO cancer in thyroid!!!

NONE!

ZERO!

ZILCH!

At this moment he is cancer free!!!

I’m just so freaking happy!!!!

My Big Fat Lesbian Life – Demi Moore and Orange Leisure Suits

In Uncategorized on March 8, 2012 at 2:33 pm

I’m going to be blunt, I’m PMSing.

TMI … I know.

My body can’t decide if it’s on, or off.

I get pretty out of sync with things when my body argues with me. I’m that girl that’s dancing to a song, always moving two beats behind while wearing a neon orange leisure suit on the dance floor.

Of course my emotions get all mushy sensitive and I cry over puppy food commercials while devouring chocolate at the speed not quite determined by scientists. Toss in the neon orange leisure suit and I’m a cycle away from a one woman stand up comedy just waiting to self combust.

I’ve been feeling deep about some things. I guess it all started when I read a quote by Demi Moore. Having been recently separated she gave an interview and goes on to say..

“What scares me is that I’m going to ultimately find out at the end of my life that I’m really not lovable, that I’m not worthy of being loved. That there’s something fundamentally wrong with me.” – Demi Moore

What a big thing to say, but what an honest thing to say.

Demi said something I am sure many of us have thought about before and felt from time to time. It’s something we tend to ask ourselves at the tail end of a break-up or a drought in our personal lives as we move from place to place in our hearts, seeking that soft place to fall. However, it’s something that I have been struggling with for quite some time.

I’m sure it all goes back to my childhood, but I’ll spare the long detailed accounts. The result has been that which Demi speaks of, I get it. I completely relate. Yes, I am scared that maybe I am unlovable.

I haven’t had horrible relationships in my life, save for two notable experiences where I’ve allowed the wrong person into my world. Other than that, I’ve been pretty lucky. The recurring theme in all of my past relationship experiences, is that I’m always three sprints short of the finish line and those relationships were not going to go anywhere other than exactly where they went… nowhere.

I could blame Hollywood for the years of movies I grew up watching, conditioning me to believe that someday someone would find me moving enough to stand outside my window with a boom box or a full orchestra to win my heart (though it still is a romantic thought).

In part I’m sure it’s because I’ve always been afraid to step out of the fear of rejection that’s been my shield. It’s saved me from a lot of hurt, I’m sure. Though obviously it didn’t keep me from feeling the pangs of the remnant of a failed marriage that never should have happened in the first place. The fear of exposing my heart and it being rejected is a paralyzing thought, though I’ve been taking that risk hoping it will be different. At my age I am finding risks are sometimes better taken than not. I don’t want to be that woman that is 80 years old, thinking about all the chances I had in front of me and didn’t chose to take them because I was afraid. Though at the same time my fear echoes the words that Demi shared, and perhaps I will find myself an 80 year old woman having graduated from the orange leisure suit to wearing purple (please note reference to the poem When I Am Old, I Shall Wear Purple). I really hope not.

Either way, I refuse to be the crazy cat lady.

http://youtu.be/-j379JbL-xM

My Big Fat Lesbian Life – .

In 2012, blog, cancer, Edgefield McMenamins, encouragement, equality, Flowers, gay, God, grief, healing, health, homosexuality, Jell-O, kisses, Laughing stars, lgbt, LGBTQ, Life, Love, military, Oregon, people, pictures, Portland Oregon, Questions, Rain, Relationships, religion, sex, single, stress, Troutdale Oregon, Writing on March 4, 2012 at 9:40 pm

It’s been quite a week.

 

That’s all I got.