lesbianspaghetti

Posts Tagged ‘moving’

My Big Fat Life – Moving Sunsets

In blogging, changes, happy, Life, Love, parenting, smokers who suck at being humane, women on August 17, 2015 at 10:57 am

The past few months of living where I do has become a nightmare. I can’t really get into the details of it all right now, but it’s become a need to move.

I have often debated whether I should move, despite the fact I hate the town I live in. I always come back to the fact that I need to stay since Gabriel has all of his specialists up here, and his health is more important than liking where I live, so I have stayed.There have been some good things, but for the most part it’s all been a struggle for me. I personally like Portland proper, and had I moved into the city, I would most likely have stayed. But I didn’t, and I’m not.

This whole issue with the area where I am living now has forcibly uprooted me, and while a pain in the ass and beyond expensive, I have found a place to go that I am finally looking forward to. I can’t say where I am going exactly, but I can tell you that there will be sunsets involved.

I really miss the sunsets.

It’s been a really long time since I ever thought about the fact that I lived here with my ex, and honestly if I even thought about her being in my apartment, I would feel as though she was a stranger invading our space. I can’t even imagine having ever even dated her, let alone having entered into a partnership with her. It just seems that long ago, and while I long ago threw away any of the things we shared, down to the towels, it really does seem like the boys and I are the only ones who ever lived here. But in the back of my mind a part of me feels like this is the final dumping of anything she touched, and it’s a good thing in every way possible. It feels like a closure in so many ways, and yet it’s been a tremendous growth in so many others. I leave with that, and it makes it all worth it. If everything I went through was needed to bring me to this moment in my life, I would do it all over again even knowing what I know now. Moving up here has been the passage I needed to walk in order to get where I ultimately wanted be, and for the first time in my life I feel like I am closer to being where I want to be than I ever have been. It’s a pretty amazing thing and not as terrifying as I thought it would be.
I have just a few days left here in this place, and while it’s my typical to write before I move, I am not sure I want to do that here. I think this whole blog has chronicled the life that has taken place in this apartment.  While not always easy, so much good has happened here too. Beyond the pain and the tears, laughter and love has happened within these walls. When I leave, there will be no tears of resentment or fear. No feelings of being duped, manipulated or taken advantage of. I don’t feel like I am packing my boxes just to move and jump on a land mine in the name of love. There is nothing left to reflect on. Just love, peace and being stronger to handle the changes that life continues to bring.

I guess in a way this is my personal sunset.

Perhaps it’s time to start catching those sunrises.

Advertisements

My Big Fat Life – Last Pill

In Uncategorized on June 12, 2014 at 1:07 pm

June 11th was supposed to be the last day of prednisone, but apparently I counted the days wrong, and it was this morning. This day has been a dreaded coming.

When I was putting his pills in his medication dispenser a few days a go, I started tearing up. The forced reality that this is it, really hit me. This is the last time the Doctors are putting Gabriel on prednisone as a treatment for his condition, and we are cautiously hoping the colchicine works.

Tomorrow marks the last day of school for him and his brothers, so I’m pushing the homework to get the boys finished. It’s been a really stressful week around here preparing for the end of school, and the end of Gabriel’s prednisone treatment. I am looking forward to school being over for a few months while we get Gabriel’s health sorted out. I was really hoping to do something fun for the kids after school released, but I have no clue what I can do that will keep us close to home just in case Gabriel gets sick again. I also need to start looking at the fact that I need to move. The boys and I have been cramped in this stupid apartment that the ex and I moved into as transitional housing until a home was purchased for us to live in, but we have outgrown it and honestly I would love to have a washer and dryer of my own, instead of using the laundry room. The money I am spending to live here and pay to do laundry, isn’t really putting my money to work to help a single parent who needs every penny possible, to feed 4 boys. If you are reading this and know of available housing, please feel free to email me. You can reach me at lesbian_spaghetti@yahoo.com.

So here we are, and here we go…

#FeelsLikeAWeekOfMonday

(Gabriel on the morning of surgery 8/8/2013 and 5/2014. Less than a year difference and you can see how prednisone and this illness has taken it’s toll)

Image

 

My Big Fat Lesbian Life- My First Time

In Uncategorized on February 4, 2013 at 11:55 pm

Last time I wrote I had spoken of Bea, who I deleted from my Facebook. I have to admit I was surprised to see a note from her in my inbox asking me why I had. I didn’t think she would even notice to be honest. She did. I struggled with an answer for a bit, and had to process. Because I was still uncertain as to why in some aspects. But I wanted to be honest with her this time. She is the woman I just stopped contact with when I moved up here to Portland, because I found it easier.. safer.. to just stop talking to her, than have to be vulnerable and share with her the truths that I had been carrying around. So I responded. I am working towards being open with people, even when I don’t like being vulnerable. I guess I have believed if I kept it to myself, then it’s safe tucked somewhere away. There it can sit and that information can’t be seen as a weakness in my shield or expose some part of me that might show how vulnerable I can really be.

When I found myself in a place with her 20 something years after high school, she was  more than just a sexual experience with someone. She was by all accounts, my first. There was a lot of meaning behind what I shared with her. It wasn’t just a sexual thing that happened, though I knew it couldn’t be more. She was literally just out of a relationship with someone and both of us were in places that weren’t really the best foundation for the start of something new. I knew that, but my heart wasn’t listening to my head at the time.

When things came to a halt between us, I walked away feeling hurt and honestly I felt like maybe I was just a fling that didn’t mean much even though in reality I knew that’s all it would be for me. All this time I held the idea that what we shared, and what I had shared (unbeknownst to her) was nothing more than just sex. It hurt every time I saw her post something on her page, and for the longest time I guess I couldn’t really understand why. But when I sat down to write her back, the words just spilled out and there it was before me. There was no longer denying it, or even escaping it. For what it was, I knew I had to be honest with her and tell her everything.

I didn’t know how she would respond to my left field confessions, and I didn’t even know if she would respond at all. But there they were, and there was no taking the words back to fill in the cracks I was exposing in my shield. While writing I also realized part of why I never shared with her, was because I didn’t want to give that power to someone else. To know that they were given something that could be used against me in a way to hurt me, or have some sort of power. Yet, she wrote me back the most thoughtful, caring letter. It was more than I expected, and it was mindful and considerate. Tears that I didn’t realize I had for her flowed without restraint. She told me that I wasn’t just sex to her at the time, and shared some things that explained the space she was in at the time. It made sense to me, and I understood with consideration. This hurt I felt was healing, and I was feeling a closure that I couldn’t create for myself. I felt like that maybe a door was opening for me to be able to reach out to her in time, and a friendship.. a real friendship.. could develop. Bea had no clue that she was more than my first big girl crush in high school, she was also a first in many other ways and was becoming a first for me again in some way. I don’t regret that I shared those firsts with her, I only regret I wasn’t open with her to begin with. Who knows how things would have been had I been able to be more open with her, I am not sure I even want to analyze the reasons why. I just know that it felt good to show a crack in my shield and while I know not every response will be as generous or as caring when I do, it still felt nice to jump out there and be openly honest with myself.

They say you never really forget your first, but I would like to actually meet her.