Posts Tagged ‘politics’

My Big Fat Lesbian Life – 1 year

In Uncategorized on April 4, 2012 at 2:00 pm

Today marks 1 year since I asked my now ex-wife to leave. 3 days later, I would begin writing this blog.

For those of you who have been following my journey since that first blog, you’ve witnessed my healing as its unfolded from my heart to your eyes. It’s been an amazing, though difficult, journey at times.

I read my first post again tonight. I remember writing it as I laid on the floor of the living room ( I couldn’t bring myself to sleep in the bed ) trying to make my mind stop racing as the tears flowed. Today there is no tears.

I still don’t sleep in the bed, but for much different reasons than before. It used to be because I missed her, but now it’s because with clarity I can see just what awful experiences took place in that thing. I am working towards buying a new bed that’s mine.

Here’s what the past year has brought me:

– My son was diagnosed with cancer. As of this moment, he is cancer free.

– I went sailing along the Willamette at sunset.

– I saw Ray Lamontange sing one of my favorite songs.

– I hiked up Beaver Rock. It was not my cup of tea, but I can say I did it.

– My friends reached out and touched my family with their generosity of love and bought us a van. They sent art work that meant something, for our home. They listened, they loved and everyday I am thankful for all they’ve done.

– I have grown as a woman, and have allowed the healing to bring more joy into my life instead of making me “stuck” in defeat.

– I’ve learned more about what it is I’m seeking in life, and setting standards. I just simply will not allow myself to be treated with such disregard again. I know I’m deserving of respect,
kindness and consideration.

– While a couple of blogs back I openly admitted my struggle of wondering if I am loveable or not, I know I am. Perhaps those years of being around reckless people was self sabotaging, because emotionally I was protecting myself from allowing people close. Who really knows… The thing that matters now, is that I know I am loveable because I know my heart.

– I stood strong this past year. I made life in a new city work, even though the person I moved for (never, ever again) didn’t. I learned a lot, but my children and I did it!

– The Leaky Roof Restaurant will hold its own special place in my heart for years to come. I first ate there this past year, and If you ever visit Portland Oregon, I highly recommend you make it a point to eat there.

There’s a lot more, of course. My life this past year has seen people come and go, saying Good-Bye to my friend Aaron, making resolution in my heart considering my Mother and saying Hello to myself.

I can look back a year later and thank God that I got out of that marriage. Otherwise I’d be writing a much different story, and probably not one of many victories. That’s not to say my tears were in vain, because every tear brought me that much closer to healing and growth. I feel free, liberated, excited.. I didn’t sit idle paralyzed by fear or grief. Instead I faced it, I found joy and I created peace. I moved on, instead of waiting for time to move me all on its own.

Yeah, I’m a pretty kick ass woman.

*tossing confetti and releasing balloons*

Happy Anniversary To Me!!!

Today, I am one year better.


My Big Fat Lesbian Life – I’m Angry. I’m Sad. I’m Hurt. I’m Angry.

In Aaron Jamison, Blog, cancer, Cancer Sucks, children, Choose Joy, christian, communication, connection, Crying, Current events, emotions, encouragement, Facebook, feelings, Friend, friendship, God, grief, healing, health, kindness, Lesbian, Life, Love, military, Mom, Oregon, Pain, parenting, people, pictures, Portland, portland oregon, Questions, relationships, religion, women, Writing on March 30, 2012 at 6:51 pm

A couple of days ago my son had his 4th surgery. This time, they removed half of his thyroid because of a growth.

If you’ve been reading my blog, you know I was expecting him home in April (he’s stationed overseas, Marines). I haven’t seen him once since his cancer diagnosis a year ago.

They’re not sending him home in April. In fact, it could be months before his discharge now.

He posted a pic of his surgical scar on his Facebook wall after surgery, and my heart just sank. Well meaning friends have tried to keep my eyes on the fact my son is still alive, getting care, and will be home. But I’m angry, and I need to be angry. Of course I’m thankful my son is still alive, in medical care, and will be home.

But I’m angry.

I’m angry that my son has cancer at 22. I’m angry I can’t be with him. I’m angry he has to have surgery. I’m angry he is left with the scars to remind the very real battle he is fighting. I’m angry that I can’t be angry and feel like I have permission to be angry.

I’m grieving. Anger is an important part of the process, and I can’t skip one piece to reach acceptance. It’s like building a bed, but eliminating the sides of the frame. If you don’t add all the pieces, it will just keep falling apart every time you lay down. Repeating the motion will produce the same result. I need to be angry, be free to be angry, be free to say it out loud and feel safe in doing so.

I know people mean well, and I’m blessed to have people in my life who love and care enough to want to remind me of what’s good. I love each and every one of them for it. I just need to be angry too, and be told its OK to hurt that my son is dealing with such big stuff in his life, and know that this feeling is normal as I watch my son stand through this. It doesn’t reflect on my faith, but rather the fact I’m human.

I’m sad, I’m hurt…

I’m angry…

and it’s OK.