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My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – Thank You

In 2011, AP News, attorneys, Blog, Blue Like Jazz, Break-up, C.S. Lewis, cancer, children, Choose Joy, christian, Christmas, civil unions, clothing, coat hangers, Come Here Go Away, communication, cookies, court, Crying, Current events, dating, desert, Divorce, domestic, equality, Facebook, failure, family, fashion, fast car, feelings, finances, Fleetwood Mac, Flowers, Foolish Hearts, Friend, gardening, gay marriage, get a life, God, grief, health, Henry Miller, homosexuality, Jell-O, Kiss, Laughing stars, Law, law enforcement, Lesbian, Lesbian Relationships, lgbt, Love, Marriage, minivan, Musician, Natasha Bedingfield, Netflix, New York, news, NYE, Oregon, Pain, parenting, Pears, people, pictures, Politics, Portland, portland oregon, promises, Questions, Rain, Regret, relationships, religion, same sex, school, September, single, sleep, Steve Perry, Steve Taylor, stress, Uncategorized, vehicle, vows, wedding, women, Writing on January 17, 2012 at 12:32 am

After much thought, I decided this letter belongs as the last entry under My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce heading. It’s really more of a morph (non Power Rangers style, though I’d like to be the Pink Power Ranger if I had to choose).

In saying that, I’m struggling for the words to open a good-bye letter. Saying “good-bye” has never been my strong suit. I’ve led a life of good-byes while I’ve longed for a life of “Hello”.

But you didn’t say good-bye to me or the boys, and in retrospect, neither did we to you. Rather, we’ve lived our good-bye through each day we’ve discovered our laughter and ourselves once again.

So, let me start by saying Thank You.

I didn’t know where this journey of uprooting myself and the children to move up here would lead us. Of course I had hoped it would lead us to a better level of a new chapter in our lives, and it has. Just….without you. At first I felt that was more of an ending, but in reality it’s become a beginning.

I know I cried a lot after moving up here. I had left behind open skies, the sound of crickets at night, and the quiet streets. But despite the reasons we married, I had left it all behind because I made a commitment and I wanted to see where that journey could lead us all as a family. It wasn’t easy but that was the level I believed in my keeping my word. It wasn’t what we agreed on when we decided to marry that day we went to the courthouse, but still….

I thought despite things hadn’t come into my life as I had hoped, that it could somehow grow into what I dreamed of once I moved and in time.

Maybe I didn’t see you as my partner the way I should have when we decided to marry, but I gave it my all to grow into love with you and to be your wife. Eventually I did, but by that time I had also realized that our union was in reality a business arrangement between two people for your job, and would never really be the loving relationship of two hearts discovering each other in the natural progression I had longed for. By that time though, emotions were involved so walking away became a tangled mess. I should have walked away much sooner, but I can’t question or second guess myself anymore, because things turned out exactly as they should.

Since I’ve lived here on my own, I’ve discovered my own heart, my own voice, and my own open skies once again. Perhaps meeting you was exactly what I needed to move me to this new level of my life that’s opened up new and different opportunities for the boys and I.

B is flourishing in his new school, C is mainstreamed without an aide, G is reaching new milestones and D is excelling academically. Who knows if any of that would be the case had we not moved.

I’ve made new friends, explored new opportunities, found that I’m much stronger than I’ve ever given myself credit for, and learned to trust myself once again.

I’ve also found that I know exactly what I’m longing to feel with another person and a liberty to allow myself the freedom to feel it without reserve when it comes. I’ve had opportunities to do just that, but I haven’t settled. Because I’ve heard my voice when I filed for our divorce, and I liked the sound of my own strength.

So Thank You.

I say that without malice, sarcasm or for any other reason than to simply thank you.

You were the train ride here, that held a work shop of lessons that I needed to learn, for whatever reasons I needed. I appreciate that and I’ll always thank you for that.

But now, I need to tell you Good-Bye openly with my words instead of just living it as I have. The boys have said good-bye in their own ways, so I’m not just saying this as your ex wife, but also as your ex family.

We’re good.

I wish you love, happiness and I truly hope you find the peace you’re so desperately seeking. I hope you find healing, hope and joy. I hope many good things for you. I’m pretty sure neither of us had planned for it to end as badly as it did. That’s OK.

Because I’m exactly where God has planned all along.

If you listen to this song, you’ll hear exactly where my heart is in writing this. It starts when Chris Colfer sings, and ends with my

Good-Bye.

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My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – The Birth Control Mobile Rides Again

In blog, Cancer Sucks, Choose Joy, christian, Christmas, civil unions, coat hangers, communication, court, Crying, Current events, current events, dating, Divorce, divorce, Edgefield McMenamins, equality, Facebook, family, fast car, feelings, finances, Friend, friendship, gay, God, grief, healing, health, homosexuality, KVAL TV, Law, lesbian, lgbt, LGBTQ, love, minivan, New York, news, Pain, parenting, people, Politics, portland oregon, promises, Questions, Relationships, religion, same sex, single, sleep, stress, vehicle, vows, wedding, Wedding Ring, women, Writing on January 7, 2012 at 12:09 pm

If you’ve been reading along the past month or so, you know my ex wanted the van back because of a payment arriving one day late.

Here’s the blog link that explains what happened to the van – http://mybigfatlesbiandivorce.com/2011/10/19/my-big-fat-lesbian-divorce-the-van/

We’ve been without a vehicle (which I have always tenderly refered to as “The Birth Control Mobile”. I think with some government funding that I could be hired to do high school drive bys, with my all van windows down and all 6 children arguing over the Game Boy. I could give a reality check to some of the teens and possibly single handedly reduce teen pregnancy… OK so I doubt the government will fund this and the idea of enduring another sibling argument over a video game is a bit exhausting).

Honestly though, giving the van back worked to my advantage. She has the vehicle and I no longer have to make monthly payments on something that is breaking down. It just  makes the most financial sense for my family in the long run to be free from that previous obligation.

However, I was left without a vehicle and I was pretty scared. I was really happy to be rid of the financial obligation of that stupid van, but I was really worried about how I was going to go about the daily things I need to do, to take care of my family.

After looking around and asking people I knew about any possibile vehicles for sale, I had found a place that fixes vehicles donated and then sells them for the cost of repairs. They had one van that had extensive work done, and they were selling for 1,600.00. Clean, great condition, and an 8 seater. I haven’t been able to save up much, let alone 1,600.00, because I am still playing catch up on some bills since I asked the ex to leave, but this van seemed so perfect for my family. I’m almost on track with the finances, but not quite. I need that money tree to sprout about 2,000.00 for that to happen, but so far it’s been more of a pocket change twig.

I looked into some loans and other possibilities, but things kept falling through. I sighed a breath of relief in a way, because I really didn’t want to create more debt while I was working on getting caught up, but I was still trying to figure out how I was going to come up with the money for the van. This was/is a need. It’s not like I was out there trying to find something that was above and beyond what we need. Something to get us safely from point to point is all I was looking for, and this can fit the bill perfectly.

The garage selling the vehicle  had decided to reduce the price for me to 1,000.00 because they were really trying to help me out. 1,000.00 was still more than I had, in fact all I had was 400.00. At 1,000.00 I knew they were reducing the price to below the amount of money and time they had put into fixing the vehicle, but without the money, I still felt pretty hopless.

As things started to feel as though they were crumbling, I can’t even begin to described what happened other than love and human connection stood in the gap.

I received a message from a friend on Facebook, who wanted to know where she could send money towards the vehicle. She sent in a majority of the money I needed to purchase the vehicle, and with the 400.00 I had, I had the van paid for.

Then another friend put money towards the van, which helped pay for fuel.

Then another friend sent in money  to cover registration, and title transfer.

Then another sent in money to have both back tires and windsheild wipers replaced.

These calls jut kept coming in from the garage to tell me that my friends were calling in and putting towards the cost of the van. The woman on the other end of the phone was just so amazed and excited for us, that my friends were not only touching my life, but hers in the process as well.

The van is completely mine.

Knowing the people I have around my life, it doesn’t completely surprise me that they would step in and extend love and human connection and kindness the way they have. I simply know the most beautiful people. But it still moved me beyond belief. I was, and I still am, in complete awe of the kindness. I still look out my window just to look at the van and say a “thank you”. Even though I know it can’t be heard, I hope those who extended the kindness know it is still very much felt.

Someone gave anonymously, so I will never know to who I owe such a big thanks. But you are all truly amazing. These past months have been a journey for sure, but there are those  who have listened, cared, prayed, sent art, cards, phone calls, texts, messages, left comments, asked how we are doing, have taken me to coffee and all those things that friends do for one another. I want you all to know that I feel so loved. Not just because you extend compassion and love, but because you have been woven into my life to begin with.

Thank you soooo much

You are all truly amazing.

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – Failure… The Other “F” Word

In Blog, Break-up, Choose Joy, christian, civil unions, communication, court, Crying, Current events, dating, Divorce, divorce, domestic, equality, Facebook, failure, family, feelings, Friend, friendship, gay, gay marriage, God, grief, health, Lesbian, lesbian, lgbt, LGBTQ, Life, Love, love, Marriage, minivan, money, movies, New York, news, Oregon, Pain, Politics, Portland, portland oregon, promises, relationships, religion, same sex, sex, single, sleep, stress, vows, wedding, Wedding Ring, women, Writing, writing on November 21, 2011 at 6:00 am

I read the blog of another WordPress writer. She’s going through a divorce from her hubby, and I relate to some of the emotions she’s working through. She’s an absolutely amazing woman and I admire her courage as she shares her story.

She asked me a question that no ones asked before, but I’ve faced quietly many times with myself.

She asked me if I felt pressure not to have my marriage fail in light of the fact that marriage equality is becoming more and more of a reality. My response was….

“Excellent question.

Yes.

I felt like I was a horrible representation of everything couples have worked so hard to achieve for years. But, it was my own crummy choice in a partner that put me there, so I had to make good choices to get out. I hope that is something anyone in a bad relationship, no matter the orientation, can see that it’s possible to emotionally survive. If you’ve loved, you’ve experienced. Grief still processes without prejudice and healing comes like a long lost friend.”

I have to say that the more I’ve thought about it, that yes… I feel like I’ve done such an injustice to the work, sacrifices and tears put into the fight to openly love and be married. I know not every relationship is going to work out, straight or gay, but I know people are watching when you’re in a partnership that’s seen as a marriage.

Politically and religiously some people are ready to pounce and shout “A HA! See? There’s no integrity in gay marriage!” and so ready to use the failures as support to endorse their beliefs that gay marriage is wrong.

Love should be allowed to be equally recognized between two loving adults, regardless of gender. But please don’t use the failure of my marriage as an example of limited possibilities of a loving marriage.

I hope that my getting out of a bad situation can be seen as a representation of what it means to make a stand to do the right thing. That may not be a lot to advance the fight for marriage equality right now, but it contributes to the advancement of me evolving more into the woman God created me to be, and that’s empowering.

Just because my marriage failed doesn’t mean it was a complete failure, I grew a lot from the experience. I walked away stronger than ever. Not all failures fail to produce something wonderful.

I’d still love to meet someone to share life with, because I still believe in love and marriage. Importantly, because through the failure of my marriage I learned I still believe in myself.

That’s pretty successful.

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – Month 7

In Blog, Break-up, christian, civil unions, Come Here Go Away, communication, court, dating, Divorce, Facebook, family, feelings, Fleetwood Mac, Foolish Hearts, Friend, get a life, God, grief, homosexuality, kisses, Lesbian, Lesbian Relationships, lgbt, Life, Love, Marriage, Military, netfix, New York, news, Pain, portland oregon, relationships, sex, single, sleep, stress, vehicle, vows, wedding, women, Writing on November 9, 2011 at 6:15 am

Month 6 slipped by me without thought.

I guess I figured month 6 being the half way mark into my newly single life (since I had her asked to leave the apt), that some amazing moment would transpire within me, but instead it went by without thought.

I was dealing with the van thing (I’m still super thankful it’s gone), the now defunct attempt at spending time with someone (I’m really glad that’s over) and just… living.

Here it is and month 7 has passed. I admit it feels longer primarily in part I never have to see her (I’m reallythankful for that).

A few days ago the biggest stress in our home was the 7 year old stormed into my room, angry the his 11 year old brother was bossing his imaginary kangaroo around. While I know life has it’s ups and downs and invisible kangaroo interventions are only a part, I felt that peace that comes in knowing that life continues to move on.

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – Reckless People Dance

In Blog, Break-up, Come Here Go Away, communication, Crying, Current events, dating, domestic, Facebook, family, Foolish Hearts, Friend, gay, God, grief, kisses, Laughing stars, Lesbian, Lesbian Relationships, lgbt, Life, Love, Marriage, netfix, news, portland oregon, promises, relationships, religion, sex, single, sleep, Steve Perry, stress, vehicle, vows, wedding, women, Writing on November 4, 2011 at 11:56 pm

In my effort to make better choices in my life regarding people, I decided sometime ago not to continue seeing the woman I had been seeing since my divorce. While I experienced great sex (something I didn’t really have with the ex because she was a selfish lover), I had started seeing some of the warning signs that she wasn’t a good match for me.  So a few months in I broke it off with her. It wasn’t easy, because while I wasn’t really enjoying her company at all, I had also cared for her.

I had continued to see her in a more casual way for a little longer, simply because I thought that with breaking off the titles and and expectations that things might settle down and perhaps I could get to know her better in a more organic way (minus all the BS). However, I had increasingly become more and more aware of not only the red flags, but my own cycles that I seem to make in any type of relationship with people.

I think my own fears of abandonment (enter my alcoholic mother who was completely absent while I was growing up) leave me validated that if I stand and show I am present emotionally and physically, that I prove that I am ….

1.) Not my Mom

Now I already know I am not my Mom. I’m not even close to being anything like my Mom. Yet, I do find from time to time I have to prove that just to reassure myself that I am nothing like her. By not abandoning, I prove that. By engaging, I just keep doing the same stupid dance with the same destructive people.

Whatever the reasons I may be doing it, it has come to a stop.. or at least I am going to try to figure out how to see the red flags when they are first raised, stop and then run/walk/hop. Whatever it takes.

There were moments real early on, where I just wanted to walk away. So I know that I am gaining some ability to recognize the red flags. Now only to make my feet comply with my instincts.

I saw the classic “Come Here, Go Away” signs, but for those reasons above, I stood still. She talked about her past relationships in ways I could hear she was clinging to those who treated her poorly or rejected her, yet pushed off those who tried to make it work. That was pretty scary once I could hear what she saying.

Someday, I would like to be in a relationship where I do stand with my partner through the good times and the bad. But for all the right reasons. Not because I am trying to prove something to myself, but because we are standing together.

I asked someone I thought might have some connections to a life coach, about a love coach, and was recently given the name and number to Dr. Frankie. She writes the love advice column for Curve Magazine, and she also has a love coaching and matchmaking service.

Here is her website link –

http://littlegaybook.com

I highly suggest checking out the site. It’s wonderful.

I chatted with Dr. Frankie a bit, and found her super easy to talk to. I’m not sure how much dating I want to do right at this moment, but if I am going to, I do need to work on this pattern I seem to have established and start 1.) Recognizing the signs early on and 2.) Walking the heck away when I see them.

I have to give myself some credit, this time I only let it go for a few months before I said enough was enough. That is really a lot of growth compared to sticking it out like I did with my ex wife.

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – Reckless Train Rides

In AP News, attorneys, Ben and Jerrys Ice Cream Comfort, Blog, Break-up, Choose Joy, christian, civil unions, communication, court, Crying, Current events, dating, Divorce, Edgefield McMenamins, Facebook, family, feelings, Fleetwood Mac, friendship, gay, God, grief, homosexuality, Laughing stars, Law, Lesbian, Lesbian Relationships, lgbt, Life, Love, Marriage, movies, Musician, news, Pain, parenting, Politics, portland oregon, relationships, religion, sex, single, sleep, The Little Prince, Uncategorized on October 25, 2011 at 6:55 am

I’ve written three different paragraphs and I’ve deleted them all.

A Train Ride

(edited 10/2011)

Leaning against the window, I can feel the cool glass of the window pane against my cheek. True to the way a train moves down the tracks, it rocks back and forth and I find no comfort in leaning against the window other than my eyes are searching for a glimpse of the next stop.

Houses, small towns, fields sprinkled with colors of spring.. all pass by.

My bags are packed (well, really only one bag) and I am clutching the handles in my hands because I’m afraid I might let go and let it drop to the floor. There’s no room in the overhead for my things.

When I boarded I tried to find space for my bag. I glanced at some of the tags and noticed some of them had been there years. On the lip of the over head was a tag that read “Do not touch, ask about, or even think of moving the bags that are here upon your arrival” so I just tried to fit mine in between the hard shell cases left behind.

I looked around to see if anyone would notice me reaching up and tugging gently on one of the suitcases left behind. If I could just slip it down and move it behind a seat, no one would notice. The suitcase had been there for years, so I doubted the owner would be coming around to retrieve it anytime soon.

Pulling it down proved to be a bit more work. As I reached up to slip it down, it was as if the bag was glued to the shelf. As I stood there gently tugging, I glanced out the window and became mesmerized by the passing fields and the excitement of an unknown destination. I wasn’t focused on what I stood up to do in the first place and so somewhere between the distraction of the beauty and intrigue, I simply went back to my seat with my bag in my lap. As I realized the choice I had made, I thought maybe I would feel better if I kept my bag in my lap anyways, just in case the train asked me to unboard quickly.

Now as I sit here with my cheek pressed against the window, I can not clutch it tightly enough.

As I stand up between stops and walk up and down the empty aisles to stretch my legs, I’ve the train seems to take off rather quick. With no warning of departure, I’ve been unprepared for the the quick acceleration and stumbled a little to hurry back to find my seat. A few times falling backwards and being tossed back into the place where I was sitting like a last minute thought. But just as I was adjusting the seat, and getting comfortable, the train would come to a full stop void of warning and I would be thrust forward like a rag doll without care or consideration.

From time to time the train will come to a stop for a long period of time. I would sit waiting for other passengers to arrive, maybe someone looking to claim their baggage, but no one ever shows. As I stand to walk up and down the aisles to stretch my legs, I quietly wonder why there were so many seats on the train, if I am the only passenger. In fact, I realize I have never even seen the conductor or anyone else. Who is driving this train? I ponder this for a minute and decide to get off at this stop.

Suddenly this ride seems ominous to me. Just as I decide to get off at the stop, the train starts to pull away from the station. I realize at that moment I’m no longer holding my bag and I begin to panic. My most prized possessions were packed for this trip. My eyes search furiously as my heart races, then I see it. Somehow, it’s been moved to crowded overhead. I don’t remember fitting it in, yet I’m positive no one else could have. I quickly walk over to my bag to pull it down and find the bag is stuck to the overhead shelf. This time, I am not distracted by anything other than my clear determination to pull my bag down and quickly find my seat.

This time, I’m not looking to find space for my bag so that I may enjoy the ride. I want off.

The bag falls to my side and I rush to my seat.

As the sound of the train speeds down the track with distinct rhythm I think to myself “Oh God, let this be a short burst between stops.”

The rhythm counts each second as I move from place to place pushing to the next, wishing this ride to end. Now that I want to step off the train, it feels like the longest distance travelled at one time since I’ve boarded the train.

I lean against the window pane looking, hoping.. waiting.

Houses, small towns, fields sprinkled with colors of spring.. all pass by. This time I don’t smile with a feeling of warmth as the train rushes past, but a longing to be a part of it all again.

As they pass by I press my face a little more to the window hoping for a glimpse of the next station ahead. I want this train ride to end.

I see it. The station, there it is.

Standing up and clutching my bag in hand, I prepare myself for the quick and complete train stop by bracing myself with the seats as I walk towards the exit while the train is still moving.

The train comes to the complete stop it has so many times before, and I push to slide the exit door open. I move quickly to step down and I become still as I put my foot to the ground.

The station is empty.

My eyes sweep across looking for some sign of life, but even the air seems still.

I step fully down and have my right hand on the hand rail. Standing there, I am a little scared and sad about removing my hand.

I argue to myself for a minute about staying on the train and holding to the hope of arriving a destination filled with life, opposed to standing in a deserted station. But I know that sitting on a deserted train heading nowhere is nothing more than exactly that, and I can at least walk away from the station.

I am sure one of those small towns I passed through many times while on the train, is up ahead. Perhaps I will stop by one of the fields and pick some of the flowers that I have admired in passing.

My right hand falls to my side and I turn to the left. My heels against the concrete is the only audible sound as I walk across the platform away from the train, the station and the stillness while clutching my bag tightly.

Behind me I hear the train begin to move and in and in a matter of seconds it rushes past me in the same accelerated manner it has departed so many times before. It moves as quickly as it stops, I have never connected the pattern before now.

Within moments the train disappears from sight and only the faint sounds of the wheels against the tracks is all that is left, but fades quickly.

For a moment, I think I hear the train quickly approaching from behind and stopping abruptly at the station once again. Maybe just ghost sounds.. I don’t know.

I do not turn to look. – L.W. 6/17/2009

Sometimes I stay on the ride longer than I should for whatever reasons I do. Maybe it’s because I’m so smitten by the shiny things that I don’t see the scary things, or maybe it’s because I’m afraid it’s as good as it gets.

Whatever the reasons, I’m learning that if you want to know what the ride is going to be like, look to see what the ride was like for previous passengers. If you listen, you’ll hear.

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – Get A Life

In Blog, Break-up, christian, civil unions, coat hangers, communication, court, Crying, Current events, dating, Divorce, Edgefield McMenamins, Facebook, family, fast car, feelings, finances, Friend, gay, get a life, God, grief, health, homosexuality, Law, Lesbian, lgbt, Life, Love, Marriage, minivan, money, Monopoly, New York, news, Pain, Politics, portland oregon, promises, relationships, religion, sex, single, sleep, stress, vehicle, vows, wedding, women, Writing on October 21, 2011 at 7:38 am

I’d like to think that someday my ex will leave me completely alone.

I’ve worked on my healing. It’s been journaled, this walk I’ve taken steps to experience and to move forward on.

It feels harassing. The letters, the demands, the actions.

I wonder if this is what she did to her previous exes.

She could:

Learn to knit
Read a book
Go to counseling
Plant a garden
Train for a marathon

…. anything productive and nurtures self awareness and peace.

I feel sorry for the next woman who will have to discover on her own, the coming storm. It won’t be obvious at first. Everything will be so believable, possible.

I wish she would move on already.

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – The Van

In attorneys, Ben and Jerrys Ice Cream Comfort, Blog, Break-up, children, Choose Joy, christian, civil unions, coat hangers, communication, court, Crying, Current events, dating, Divorce, domestic, Edgefield McMenamins, Facebook, family, fast car, feelings, finances, Friend, friendship, gay, gay marriage, God, grief, health, Husband, Law, Lesbian, lgbt, Life, Love, Marriage, minivan, money, Monopoly, movies, Netflix, New York, news, Pain, parenting, Politics, portland oregon, promises, relationships, religion, school, single, sleep, stress, tracy chapman, vehicle, vows, wedding, women, Writing on October 19, 2011 at 6:12 pm

When is it a good thing to marry someone who is seemingly impulsive when it comes to reacting, without thinking the bigger picture out?

When you’re divorcing them.

My divorce was final in July, yet as you well know, she’s yet to really stop divorcing me at all. From the demands of white plastic coat hangers to a back pack, well after the divorce was over (I can’t believe her attorney wouldn’t advise her that she has no claim to the items, so to request them would result in nothing but legal fees to write the letter. Or maybe she did, but my ex just didn’t listen) I’ve been wondering what the next demand would be.

I didn’t have to wait long.

The divorce gave me possession of the van, even though it’s in her name. I’ve made the payments on the vehicle the last 2 years and the ex has no investment in the vehicle. The divorce states my payment can’t be late. It’s due on the 10th.

Because of Columbus Day, the payment arrived on the 11th. My ex freaked out. Her attorney wrote a letter stating that (she who will remain nameless – my ex’s coworker with the *in my opinion* 80s hair) was going to come by to retrieve the van last Friday. This is the same co/worker who wrote ugly comments to my blog, calling my children with disabilities ugly things, and all in poorly written English. I think it was English.

So I told them “no”. Why would I possibly allow a woman who has written verbally direct malicious comments towards my children with disabilities, on my front door step? No. I informed them if she made contact with me, I’d call the police and if they took the van, I’d report it stolen. Her attorney then stated she was moving ahead with court proceedings.

What it’s come down to, she wanted to challenge the language in the order because she’s unreasonable. She didn’t care that I needed medical transport for the children coupled with the appearance she has disposable financial resources to constantly pay her attorney. She could have easily let it go, but it feels like she’s just waiting to pounce on any avenue available to try and keep to her word to leave the children and I penniless and begging in the street. That what it feels like when she wants to drag me back to court over something as minute as this.

Now, I know I had a strong case. I had confidence should I have taken it court, that I would have been awarded the van…. again. It was technically one day late, but it was processed on the 11th. The bank informed me there’s a 10 day grace period without penalty, and the payment fell well within that.

But honestly, I didn’t want the vehicle that bad. It would have cost me an attorney to go back to court (though I would have asked for attorney fees). On top of those fees, I had the vehicle inspected a couple of weeks back which uncovered 2,000.00 of mechanical work needed. Not to mention there is still so much owed on the van, it can’t even be used for trade-in. I had planned on having the repairs done, because I need a vehicle. But there was no way I was going to invest money on a needless court hearing, waste my time or the courts time and money to entertain my ex and her attorney. The van isn’t worth that.

If she wanted the van with all the mechanical needs, debt owing and payments, then more power to her. In fact, I was more than happy to turn it over.

My ex supposedly was worried I’d “sugar the tank” so I said I’d leave the van at the mechanics, let them verify it’s in the same crappy condition it was a few weeks ago. She could go to the mechanics, hear their assessment, and look it over. If she drove it off the lot, it’s hers as is and she cannot try to sue me for repairs, damages or any other reason pertaining to the van. If she didn’t like the condition, she would leave it and I’d have to pick it up.

The mechanic didn’t even have a chance to look at the vehicle. She showed up, took the key and drove it off the lot.

I only have two words to describe how I feel right now…

THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!

*tosses confetti*

Her driving that debt off the lot today, was the second best thing she ever did for me. The first was her leaving the apartment when I called the police and had them ask her to leave. The only stress I had about losing the van, was not having a back-up plan in place.

I’m not sure what I’m going to do for a vehicle yet. I’m concerned about it, because the boys need to get to medical appointments and things of that nature. Everyone tells me it will work out, so I’m hoping it rains money sometime soon. But I’m really happy it’s now her financial responsibly and no longer mine.

I have to say, there was only one time I teared up today. On the way to drop the van off, Fast Car by Tracy Chapman came on the radio. It reminded me of that brief moment I believed in my marriage and the hope, trust and love that I thought I had in her. That feeling of belonging is something I’ve longed to feel.

Too bad the song seems to last longer than that security did.

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – Aaron

In Aaron Jamison, AP News, Ben and Jerrys Ice Cream Comfort, Blog, Blue Like Jazz, Brother, C.S. Lewis, cancer, Cancer Sucks, children, Choose Joy, christian, Comedian, Crying, Current events, Facebook, family, Friend, God, grief, health, Husband, Jell-O, KVAL TV, Laughing stars, Love, Marriage, Monopoly, movies, Musician, Myspace, netfix, New York, news, Pain, parenting, portland oregon, relationships, religion, sleep, Steve Taylor, The Little Prince, vows, wedding, Wedding Ring, women, Writing on October 2, 2011 at 5:11 pm

My friend,

Who quickly became a brother,

Aaron died this morning.

That seems like the wrong words to say, because Aaron will never really die. Aaron will always live through this amazing legacy of love he’s created.

Through his joy, pain, love for God..

By the amazing love he always showered on his wife, and praised her so openly, always making those of us who have never known
such love from another so envious … but setting a standard.

There’s so many things I could say about my amazing friend Aaron. But all I can really say is ..

Your star still shines my friend..

You have not,

and never will..

fade.

Stars as bright as you, never fall.

Stars like you,

shine… and light the way for all who take the time to look.

Make Dad smile.

I love you,

Sis

*** I don’t know why, but this post is publishing before the post I wrote yesterday.

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My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – The Little Prince & Laughing Stars – My Friend Aaron Jamison

In Aaron Jamison, AP News, Ben and Jerrys Ice Cream Comfort, Blog, Blue Like Jazz, Brother, C.S. Lewis, cancer, Cancer Sucks, children, Choose Joy, christian, Comedian, Crying, Current events, Facebook, family, Friend, God, grief, health, Husband, Jell-O, KVAL TV, Laughing stars, Life, Love, Marriage, Monopoly, movies, Musician, Myspace, netfix, New York, news, Pain, parenting, promises, relationships, religion, sleep, Steve Taylor, The Little Prince, Troutdale Oregon, vows, wedding, Wedding Ring, women, Writing on October 1, 2011 at 6:23 pm

My friend Aaron Jamison is nearing the end of his journey. He was admitted to the hospital yesterday, where he’ll remain for the 1-2 weeks he was given to finish his story. But his story will never end. All those who have read his life carry the words he wrote, speak and live.

If you haven’t heard of Aaron Jamison, he made national and world news in his journey.

Here’s a few links to his story (please keep in mind that he’s been given so many “expiration dates” as he calls it, he actually had the original date tattooed after it had well gone and passed, that you’ll see a few dates given)..

I wanted to share a blog I wrote sometime ago, shortly after Aaron was diagnosed. It just seems fitting to share it right now..

Originally titled “Shiny Ceiling Decorated In Love” — I’m reminded more of The Little Prince and his laughing stars..

April 15, 2009

It is Tuesday night..

I was driving home from Eugene tonight.. It is a bit of a drive, so I have a lot of time to think to myself.

I was passing the fields through Hwy99 and had some Eva Cassidy filling the air as my mind wandered through my life, trying to make some sense of it all.

I think we all from time to time ponder what it would be like if we were to pass on. Of course, my children would remember me, but would my life have made an impact on anyone else? Would the only thing my children remember of me, be that I was a dork who jumped on beds to wake them up and would laugh as I danced around the house blowing bubbles to make them laugh? Or would it be that I was angry when they tracked mud all over the carpet? …

My phone sends me a message anytime someone I am stalking online changes their status or posts things to their page on Facebook. Don’t worry, I am only stalking one person. ..

So I am driving and pondering the impact of my life, when Aaron changed
his status. It read “is sad and incredibly happy to watch the ones he loves grow and make choices as he waits to fade away. Never thought I’d face or feel the things I am lately.” Just reading that now, haunts me.

..

I proceeded to drive home, and along the way that the night sky was clear. being away from city lights, I could see the sky lit up in all its brilliance with stars that seemed to know no end. Fittingly, I had Eva Cassidy crooning Fields Of Gold into my heart, as I decided to pull over for a few moments and let my eyes drink the vision before me.. I admit I was feeling jealous of the stars who knew their place, their purpose..

Aarons words, my pondering, the words to the song.. the stars before me..

I was still.

I was amazed that God could hang every star with a purpose, with all
intent and design knowing exactly where he placed each and every one.
This really baffles me considering I lose pieces of paper in my very tiny apartment and here is this galaxy filled with stars, not a one lost but yet called by name.

I just sat there and pondered all that I was seeing, as a star fell from the sky and Aarons words haunted me. Of all the stars that will continue to shine, one fell from the sky tonight. One, fell from the sky that will no longer visibly shine. Yet it is the only star I can recall noticing, seeing, and being impacted by. So very much like Aaron, myself.. all of us.

This life is very brief, and tonight that
star fell not knowing the impact it made on the one person who watched it fall from the sky as she pondered her life. Yet, I doubt I will forget it anytime soon.

I am not sure I will ever know if I made an impact in this life to anyone else other than the children I am always joking about sending to therapy as adults. And sometimes, I am not sure of my own path as I flow from place to place wondering if I will ever belong. But I do know that whether I am to be a star that falls or one that continues to
shine visible to the naked eye, my goal will always be to shine through the life of others where eyes can not see. Even if it means I am just to be the one who calls a star by name, not the one to hang brightly.

The only thing to fade, are days. I pray the visions I write upon the hearts of others is sharpie worthy..

Love life.

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