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Posts Tagged ‘Autism’

My Big Fat Life – Roar

In Uncategorized on December 29, 2013 at 12:34 am

Life changes when your child is sick. It really changes a lot. Last June I was driving in my van, listening to the radio and feeling pretty good about life. I remember that day specifically, because it was the last day I was truly genuinely at peace. I remember thinking to myself “My kids are good, I have a relationship with someone I adore, school is good.. life is good.” I felt a true peace in my life. I truly thought I was on a good path to things finally settling down in my life. Today, my life couldn’t be further from that moment.

It does not escape me that I have a lot to be thankful for in my life. While ill, my son is still facing all of this with such a courageous spirit and he is here to hold. All of my children spent Christmas with me, my oldest son is home from the military and his health is well. There is a lot to be thankful for. However, extended relationships in my life seem to be struggling as I learn to adjust the changes in my life. It’s not easy. Every day seems to bring a new change, and I am not always sure how to carry it. Uncertainty is not something I do well with, yet it is something I have had a lot of thrown at me. You would think I could catch it like a football and run for the touchdown, yet I stand there with the damn thing, in center field and brace myself for the tackle. While I am not literally being tackled by a group of men in tights, if this is what it feels like, then keep the game of football to the NFL.

Today I spent a little time looking for a song that expresses how I am feeling.  I found nothing. I can’t be the only person on the face of this earth that feels like they are pulling out all the stops to keep their shit together standing strong while a bazillion tears fall. Yet that doesn’t even begin to embrace the scope of what I am feeling right now. I am feeling scared, strong, tired, ready to catch the ball and terrified as it comes barreling at me. Cripes, am I an Alanis song? Alanis is pretty cool, but right now I would love to channel my inner Katy perry lyrics (side note, I am adding to see her in concert from the floor, on to my life list. I seriously have found her lyrics seem to resonate with me this past year).

Roar.

One always hopes that people will stand by you and change with you, as the changes come. It doesn’t always happen though. Those who knew you before the event that changes you, expect you will somehow continue being the same person despite the events that took place, and those who meet you after just think you cry way too much. On the inside, I am the same person, but yet I am not the same woman at all. Things I never thought of before, now take a whole new priority. That five minutes I have free, are a treasure. If I happen to spend them talking to you, I would hope you realize you are special to me if I share that time with you. Yet I also know five minutes to other outside of my house, seems like a drop in a very large bucket. Sure, it’s not a Hallmark card, but to me it is the biggest and it means a lot. I don’t have the time to do a lot of the things I did before. It doesn’t mean I don’t want to, it just means that at this time there are other things I need to focus on. I can’t explain that enough. Yet I know that to even try to explain it feels so empty. I just don’t think people ‘get it’ until they have been there. Forbid anyone should be there.

If you have people who stand by you, and support you regardless of the changes, count your blessings. It’s not an easy place to stand for me, and I know it isn’t for them as they watch me cry and listen to me talk it out when I need an ear. But if you have it, count your blessings. It’s during these times you come to realize who stands with you, who demands from you, and who just quietly reaches out and takes your hand without reservation or expectation. It’s not an easy revelation during an already stressful time in your life… in my life. I am learning though, and most importantly I am learning that I am much stronger than I usually give myself credit for and no matter the football thrown at me, tackled or not, I am going to at least give it my best to run for a touchdown. Either people in the stands will cheer me on, stand up and walk out of the stadium or be a cheerleader on the field. Either way it won’t change the fact I still need to run towards my goal with the ball thrown at me, and do it with the most energy and courage.

I only pray if men in tights ever really do chase me in the literal, I am on the set of a Mel Brooks film.

Anything else would just be awkward.

Really awkward.

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My Big Fat Life – Life

In Uncategorized on October 26, 2013 at 7:57 pm

Dear Life,

I would really appreciate it if you would just slow your shit down for a moment, and let’s take this one situation at a time, okay?

Sincerely,

Someone who really is only one person

I don’t know if life got that memo, but it’s ignoring me if it did.

There is so much going on. I don’t even know where to start.

G:  He took the last of his medication recently, and we are waiting to see the cardiologist for a follow up echocardiogram. I am holding to love right now, and believing that this last round of medications is all he needed to get past the healing process.

It’s really forever changed my life, having G get so sick after his operation. It forever changed me, just seeing my son in ICU and just watching go through the healing process. In some ways it has changed me for the better, and I am certain there are people who will tell you it has also changed me in ways that they don’t like. For one, I am emotionally over spent a lot of the time. Most of my time is trying to manage the day to day concerns I have, and still trying to find that coveted time to myself that everyone tells me to take, but no one likes when I do. I don’t mind that I don’t really have time to myself. Children grow way too fast, and heaven knows I am so happy I have those babies in my life. Some time to decompress and not always being on heightened alert, would help though. Maybe some time to just listen to my thoughts and work through them, than always trying to drown them out because I feel so overwhelmed the moment my mind starts talking. Yeah, that would be a really nice thing.

Then there is the Avonte Oquendo case. Can we say terrifying? I can’t tell you how many times I have gone to the news to check for updates and see how things are going. It’s not that he is just a missing child, he is a missing child with Autism. I have a child with Autism. It’s a terrifying thought that any of our children be in a place they can’t fend for themselves. My heart goes out to his family, and I want him found yesterday. Weeks ago. Moments within him running out of that school.

Things at my sons school isn’t going so well, and it’s come to my attention they aren’t following his IEP again. Not really a big surprise, yet now they are violating it in ways that put his safety in jeopardy. I am not even sure which way to turn to get things taken care of, yet I can’t ignore it. I won’t ignore it. I need to make as many calls on Monday as I possibly can, and hopefully someone can help. If there is no one, I may have to start looking at homeschooling my son. It is something I am prepared to consider and ready to do, but I would really prefer to have him have access to the services he has a right to. I want him to grow and learn in a setting that helps him socialize and develop life skills to help him through his life. Yet if the school can’t keep him safe, I don’t have a choice.

I can’t afford an attorney, before anyone suggests. It’s sad, that it costs so much money just to advocate and have people do the right thing.

I feel disjointed somehow. I can’t even put a finger on it. Maybe it is because I feel like I am being pulled in a million different directions and I only have two hands. Sometimes I have to vision a pile of laundry sitting in the middle of my room, and the only way I can start to fold it, is to begin with the shirt on the top. I am trying to list the things of great importance, yet they are all things of great importance. Instead I try to count my blessings, because there are so many. I know there are. I have so much to be thankful for, they aren’t cancelled out by the fires I need to put out. I would just love to put a fire out and have not sit and smolder, just waiting to start burning again the moment I get the next one under control.

Perhaps this is just life, and I know it’s no different for me than it is for others. I just need to feel like I am getting a handle on things, before another things comes along. I was really thrown off when I heard Gabriel needed surgery, and I haven’t been able to find my balance since. Just writing this all out feels scattered, yet I know I writing it out helps. It is supposed to help. Okay, it does help.

In lighter news, as I write this, I look down and I see a toy giraffe that the boys used paper towels and tape to make a set of pajamas for. It’s things like this, that make me smile and feel full of hope. A simple act of childhood that they will most likely not recall when they are 24, and the fact they are just so funny and full of imagination, inspires me.

I am not sure how to end the blog tonight. It’s just such a rambling mess that I should probably leave it as awkward as I came into it.

Narf.

My Big Fat Lesbian Life – 1 year

In Uncategorized on April 4, 2012 at 2:00 pm

Today marks 1 year since I asked my now ex-wife to leave. 3 days later, I would begin writing this blog.

For those of you who have been following my journey since that first blog, you’ve witnessed my healing as its unfolded from my heart to your eyes. It’s been an amazing, though difficult, journey at times.

I read my first post again tonight. I remember writing it as I laid on the floor of the living room ( I couldn’t bring myself to sleep in the bed ) trying to make my mind stop racing as the tears flowed. Today there is no tears.

I still don’t sleep in the bed, but for much different reasons than before. It used to be because I missed her, but now it’s because with clarity I can see just what awful experiences took place in that thing. I am working towards buying a new bed that’s mine.

Here’s what the past year has brought me:

– My son was diagnosed with cancer. As of this moment, he is cancer free.

– I went sailing along the Willamette at sunset.

– I saw Ray Lamontange sing one of my favorite songs.

– I hiked up Beaver Rock. It was not my cup of tea, but I can say I did it.

– My friends reached out and touched my family with their generosity of love and bought us a van. They sent art work that meant something, for our home. They listened, they loved and everyday I am thankful for all they’ve done.

– I have grown as a woman, and have allowed the healing to bring more joy into my life instead of making me “stuck” in defeat.

– I’ve learned more about what it is I’m seeking in life, and setting standards. I just simply will not allow myself to be treated with such disregard again. I know I’m deserving of respect,
kindness and consideration.

– While a couple of blogs back I openly admitted my struggle of wondering if I am loveable or not, I know I am. Perhaps those years of being around reckless people was self sabotaging, because emotionally I was protecting myself from allowing people close. Who really knows… The thing that matters now, is that I know I am loveable because I know my heart.

– I stood strong this past year. I made life in a new city work, even though the person I moved for (never, ever again) didn’t. I learned a lot, but my children and I did it!

– The Leaky Roof Restaurant will hold its own special place in my heart for years to come. I first ate there this past year, and If you ever visit Portland Oregon, I highly recommend you make it a point to eat there.

There’s a lot more, of course. My life this past year has seen people come and go, saying Good-Bye to my friend Aaron, making resolution in my heart considering my Mother and saying Hello to myself.

I can look back a year later and thank God that I got out of that marriage. Otherwise I’d be writing a much different story, and probably not one of many victories. That’s not to say my tears were in vain, because every tear brought me that much closer to healing and growth. I feel free, liberated, excited.. I didn’t sit idle paralyzed by fear or grief. Instead I faced it, I found joy and I created peace. I moved on, instead of waiting for time to move me all on its own.

Yeah, I’m a pretty kick ass woman.

*tossing confetti and releasing balloons*

Happy Anniversary To Me!!!

Today, I am one year better.